I feel...

Hi @Queenie. I see you and hear you.

Thank you @outlander and @Mazarita for reaching out to me.

Last night was a disaster. Today is even worse. I've bailed myself up in another room to keep from interacting with anyone.

On the verge of either exploding or giving up. Today I want to drink (I can't though because what kind of example would I be showing the kids?). I feel like reverting to my old ways because then at least I had a reason for my behaviours. If I harm myself, they will just say it's the drugs and drink. Not something darker. I want to be out of control and be on the fringe (where I belong). I have nothing to offer anymore anyway.

sorry last night was a disaster, would you like to talk about it? @Queenie

one step at a time Q, you head to respite in- i think 2 weeks?- could you put in a more detailed safety/self care plan until then?

I don't know @outlander. I got paid yesterday and I am just having this overwhelming feeling of blowing it all on some really negative stuff. I guess I have to implement a safety plan and get my stuff together, otherwise, they won't accept me into the peer house (they don't accept people in crisis). I am to meet next Friday with the workers, but it seems so hopeless. I figure if something were to happen to me, there'd be few that would actually care. My Mrs sure, she'd be upset for a while, but it would pass and she'd move on. The kids don't give a crap about me, they think of me as some sort of major inconvenience for them. My family hate me, especially my Father and stepmother.

Sorry I'm just rambling. I shouldn't. I should just shut the hell up. Please accept my apologies.

I'm just red is all.

@Queeniehow about channelling your emotions elsewhere... like with your sculpting? you said youve got some so many you could use that, get your hands dirty, make a mess. its a good distraction...

remember STOP, and the things we worked through to help yourself too.

we care for you here

and your not rambleing and i dont accept your apology because theres nothing to fogive you for.

Hi there @Queenie CandyCane one of the moderators here. I read your last post and get the sense that you are facing a difficult time and there is much going on at the moment. It sounds like you are feeling disconnected from important people in your life and you are hurt and sad. We value you as a member of the forums and encourage you to stay connected and receive support from your peers. However, you are the best authority on what is best for you at this stage and we leave the decision to you. Please feel free to send through an email to the Sane Admin team if you would like to chat.

I had a really bad night last night. I am exhausted in every sense of the word.

I try the whole fake it til you make scenario and I feel like I'm drowning in blackness. I want to drink, but am holding out because of the fact, while it gives you a temporary elated feeling, alcohol is a depressant.

I feel like I'm in trouble here on the forum? I'm sorry if I caused trouble, never meant to be a pain in the butt (just being honest here). I just want to feel better. Just reaching out.

@Queenie, we are here for you my friend

sitting with you and listening , here if like to talk