I feel...

I think if I talk openly about my Father, it will open the floodgates, so I'd better remain tight-lipped until it isn't as raw. I hope that is okay @outlander?

I am thinking of checking into respite for a few days, in about a month's time. It's just a chance to regroup and keep my recovery on track. I know my Mrs will think it means I am going backwards or having a dip in my mental health, but I don't think either of these things are happening. This respite stay is to prevent this from happening.

Thanks, @outlander. 🙂

Well, no respite is available for me at the usual places (the Commonwealth-funded respite houses) and the State-funded houses are just too difficult to secure funding for because of the NDIS. I was really trying to hold it together until then, but now I know I can't go, I'm feeling the floodgates opening and wide cracks in my mental health are beginning to show. I feel like I'm not living, just existing if that at all makes sense. I have my Mrs and my cousin (the only family I talk to) pleading with me to stay sane. I don't think I'm necessarily becoming 'insane' but the cracks are definitely showing.

My Mrs, who has BPD has been SHing a lot lately as she is undertaking a dramatic medication change. I want to be there for her too, so I can't allow myself to go backwards in my mental health. It is like the carer roles have been reversed for the time being and I am caring for her as best I can, which is kinda strange as I don't feel like I am doing anywhere near to an adequate job. I feel like I am failing her, especially if I am going off the rails.

I feel like I am distant to everyone, and I don't mean to be. I finally stopped crying over the rejection my Father has given me (even though that has only been recent). Often, I sit on my laptop in the corner facing the wall with my back to the rest of the household and just listen to music and cry and cry. Nobody knows that, except for all you wonderful forumites.

I guess I am rambling here, so I'll stop except for asking can I wave the white flag of surrender now?

That's a-ok @outlander. I just wanted to thank you for thinking of me.

I'm going to head off to bed. I have therapy in the morning and a meet up with my support worker. Time to pull up my big girl knickers so to speak.