I feel...

oh thats handy @Zoe7 thank you for sharing

I feel like a crumpled piece of paper, about to be tossed into the trash. My euthymic phase has ended. All I want to do is sleep, I'm irritable and snappy. I just want to listen to the most depressing songs going. I am supposed to be going to an important event tomorrow. Something I bought tickets for a year ago. You'd think I'd be excited but I'm not.

I think the high dose of antibiotics I'm currently taking is affecting my medication. I feel so flat.

@Queenie I feel really flat maybe it is in the stars.... all I want to do is sleep.

Blah. I feel blah. I had a phone call from a family member tonight and it's just thrown me. Especially when I am trying to put myself on an even keel after slumping into a depressive phase. I am trying to pull those proverbial socks up and keep on going. It made me realise they truly are better off without me.

Edit: I just got into trouble from the MIL. Sigh... I can't do anything right. I hate myself sometimes. I really can't do anything right at all. I don't mean people to get angry at me, it just happens, especially if I don't even know they are talking to me. I feel so clueless when it comes to people sometimes. I feel like crying but can't because everyone will see me and make me feel even more stupid than I do now.

I am sorry you are feeling this way @Queenie but in no way are you stupid. You are going through a lot at the moment and can completly understand feeling this way.

Am around tonight if you need a chat

@Snowie I was told to get out of the slump I'm in, like I can help it. Who'd actually wish this upon themselves? I feel very self-destructive since yesterday, but I don't dare mention anything (especially in RL). I know it'll pass and I just have to ride it through. It's not like I get a lot of outside help with my psychiatric issues. I have a support worker I never see and even when she does do a home visit, the appointment is cut short because I have to do chores around the home (like it's demanded right there and then of all times). I'm trying to get into therapy again but have had to start going at night because my needs come last around here and that is the only time available. I know it isn't my house (it belongs to my MIL) so I should be respectful and all, but holy crap I'm giving them over half my income each fortnight too. I couldn't afford to move out even if I wanted to and when I moved here anyway all my stuff went to the tip (like bed, table and chairs, sofa etc). I've been getting more and more paranoid that I will wind up homeless again. I've been there before and it could so easily happen again.

Anyhoo I am rambling and probably being irritational. I still feel like crying though. I just can't otherwise I'll make a massive fool of myself.

Thanks @Former-Member. It seems whenever the teenagers are here, I get forgotten. Everyone got a weekly treat in the grocery shopping (with the kids getting a lot of stuff). I was completely forgotten... again. I spoke up about it this time and was told I could have had something had I "bothered to go with them". There was no room in the bloody car!

It's just niggling little things that make me regret moving here. I have no friends (whereas I had heaps of social contact before). My family almost never see me (whereas I had more contact before). It's not that I hate it here, it's okay. I just miss having my own turf.

Great, just great! Now the MIL is ignoring me. WTF did I bloody do now???!!!