I feel...

I don't see the GP until this coming Friday @Eden1919. I only am allowed to see the GP once a fortnight unless it's for something physical rather than mental. When I finally do see her, I'll ask then. I do see my psychiatrist mid-week for NDIS stuff. I'm hoping he'll give me a moment to be able to speak freely what is happening for me. Otherwise, I don't know what else to do. I need somebody to listen while I unpack my 'stuff'. I feel like I'm in a crowded room screaming for help, but nobody is even looking in my direction. At the same time though, I feel like people shouldn't waste their time with me.

I often read the newer style approach towards mental health conditions. Rather than "what is wrong with you?", it should be "what happened to you?"

I wonder what happened to me? I don't even know.

@Queenie hopefully the GP is helpful and so is the psychiatrist. it is hard to feel so overwhelmed for so long. maybe just try and focus in small things for now like one thing at a time so it doesnt add any stress.

Thanks @Eden1919. I am trying to tackle one thing at a time in small chunks, but life is suddenly snowballing out of control with things I cannot help.

Take my study, for example, I am so far behind. My assignments came back and I failed them so it means I have more chance to resubmit before I have to repeat next year (and pay another 10 grand). I knew I was a failure! I shouldn't bother aspiring to anything because my dreams always end in heartbreak.

I am thinking exit plans because my life is just too hard. Maybe I could focus on studying better if I didn't feel half asleep all the damn time due to medications which are supposed to help me stay in the real world. Ten years ago, I was almost hospitalised in an institution for a long-term stay. My then-husband couldn't bear the thought so refused to sign paperwork required to put me away. I guess I am thankful for that, but I haven't done anything really to get back from the brink.

I am embarrassed by what I have become! I just wish somehow beyond all else, I could just be normal. Thing is I've been crazy so long, I've forgotten what 'normal' was it seems. I used to think that normal was just a setting on the washing machine and nothing else, but there is a definite demarcation, a line in the sand so to speak and I am on the wrong side of that line.

So Wednesday I will see my psychiatrist and yes I will tell him how things are going for me. No, I will tell him I don't want to be hospitalised (that will make me more of a failure as I will fall even further behind in life than I am now).

I just feel life and me don't mix well. I am shattered and heartbroken as this realisation sinks in.

Don't worry about me though... I am safe. My exit plans are thoughts not actions at this stage.

I thank you all.

hugs @Queenie im not much on words at the moment but hearing you

@Queeniehow are you going?

Hey @outlander, I went to my psychiatrist today and realised he doesn't care. He asked me about my Father today and my relationship with him. Instead of bursting into tears, I laughed hysterically for half an hour without stopping. I felt like tears but laughed... is that weird? He filled out my NDIS forms and said I probably won't get much of a package (if anything at all) and said the NDIS isn't really for mental health conditions anyway. 😞 So I give up with the NDIS stuff. If I need respite, I'll just go into hospital or something I think. I'll lose my support worker, but considering she doesn't really do much (I haven't seen her in a month), I don't really mind. Time to pull up my big girl knickers I guess. I mean, the ordinary Joe Bloggs doesn't have a support worker or stays in respite huh?

@Queenie I am sorry things are so incredibly difficult for you right now. i can understand how you are feeling though especially about just wanting to be normal. and the ndis is difficult to manage it really depends on the worker you get. i am not sure what i could do to help but i am alway here to listen if you need to vent.

Apologies for not posting recently. I've been in shut down mode. I've been reading posts and liking posts but not replying. I've been sleeping heaps and heaps. I've also had an increase in meds which I am just getting used to now.

I forgot to add that I have been re-referred to a psychologist. I'm not sure exactly what this will achieve, but perhaps it will offer a refresher for positive thinking or something like that. It's my last hope really. I don't know what else to do.