I feel...

@Queenie Hi uni really does sound like a struggle for you right now. is it possible for you to go to another school with more support services? I am sorry about the voices too that is horrible.

Hi @Eden1919, I doubt I can go to another school unless I put myself thousands out of pocket (which I can't afford) and do the education via correspondence which doesn't work for me. I could go to one in the city which has more services, but it is full-time and I can't handle full-time study just now. I'm going to ask my GP to do a referral to my old psychologist so that I can go back into therapy again. I'll see my psychologist in the evenings so it won't impact upon anyone (she works up until 1-8pm).

I apologise forumites in general for not being very active on the forum of late. I just am struggling to stay afloat. I've been trying to shut myself away a bit and although I'm not posting much, I am still here and reading your posts.

@Queenie thats a shame about the school. I hope going back to your psychologist helps and you dont have to apologise for anything you do what you need to make it through each day. i really hope things get better for you soon though.

Thank you @Eden1919. I appreciate that more than you know.

I feel like disappearing or going incognito or something. I don't think anyone will particularly mind in my world. Life is incredibly complex and I want it simplified.

Some things I must bravely face alone are:

- I'm never going to have a normal relationship with my Father. I've got to stop pretending that I am or hoping for something that will never eventuate.

- Asher will always be nasty towards me. Despite medication, therapy and determination. After small remissions here and there, I will always hear voices telling me to KMS.

- People don't really understand me. I'll always be on the outer in social circles.

Don't worry I'm NOT suicidal, NOT at risk of anything (unless you count disappearing as a risk). I'm just at the end of my psychological tether and have little left to offer the world.

hey @Queenie glad you are safe firstly.

sorry your feeling really crappy, we would miss you here and i think you belong here but i guess its how we feel within ourselves too hey. i hope things in life become simpler for you and things work out for the best

hugs

Thank you @outlander for replying to me. I really do appreciate your kindness.

I showed my Mrs my post above and it created a sh*t fight because she thinks I want to leave her. Not so at all, she is my link to the outside world. She just doesn't understand what I am trying to say. I don't think I can articulate the words properly. It just comes out like pained verbal diarrhoea.

Now I've caused pain to someone who doesn't deserve it.

So sad and so complex.

😞

I feel red tonight. I am a wuss though, so just ignore me. 😞

My voices are annoying. I am not taking this reduction in antipsychotic well at all. Last time I really crashed hard after going manic. This time there's no mania just soul destroying lows. I want to hide. All those negative self-destructive thoughts are coming flooding back. Yet I have to 'pretend' I'm firing on all cylinders and am fine. I lie to people around me and say I'm green in mood. I'm not, it's a blatant lie. If I wasn't surrounded by the Mrs and her family, I'd be gone. I am staying here for them and nothing else. They deserve better than me however. I deserve to be alone. I called my family tonight to say hi and for some reason, they actually talked. I didn't bore them with my BS. I just listened to them. I realise how much better they would be without me in their lives. They never call me, they never tell me that they love me.

Screw it here's the tears, so I am going to end this here and go back to pretending everything is okay.

@Queenie i am sorry you feel so bad i can understand where you are coming from though. try to be kind to yourself and do things that make you feel good even if only a little. have you been able to go back to your psychologist yet?