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I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor

I feel...

I feel desperately lonely yet, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the 'Normal' world because I am tarred with the brush of mental ill health, yet because I've sort of stabilised now, I don't belong with my former peers either. I feel beige, uncoloured and boring with no emotion really even though if I had to say anything it is gutted. I feel trapped in a world I don't want and didn't ask for, yet whenever I try and break the shackles of failure, I am thrust back into the dark and reminded yet again of my failures (my Father is a constant person to remind me). I feel alone, even in a crowded room. I feel unheard, even if I am screaming loudly.

I guess I am just searching for something and not sure what.

Does anyone else feel beige?

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In response to: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

I'll think I'll walk away from the laptop at this point @outlander @Former-Member if that's okay (at least for tonight). I'm in tears and feel pretty melancholy. I think I might practice some self-care and do a meditation, or better yet play with my sensory box. Otherwise, all this rumination about self-destruction could lead to the planning stage.

I am safe do not worry. The second I feel I can no longer contain my feelings, I'll show my Mrs the red card to initiate that conversation.

In response to: Re: I feel...

outlanderSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

thats more than ok @Queenie please take care and good thinking about the red card.

In response to: Re: I feel...

Unknown userMember

Re: I feel...

Self care and mediation sounds like a great plan @Queenie- thinking of you 🙂

Hiya @outlander 🙂

In response to: Re: I feel...

Unknown userMember

Re: I feel...

quick hello to see how all are @Queenie @outlander @Former-Member

I don't have much to say ...just that I am thinking about you and how brave you are...

moh

In response to: Re: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

Feeling really bad. In physical and mental pain. Exhausted. Been sitting here for hours and the words just won't come.

I disclosed to my class that I live with a mental health issue. I have disclosed to the teacher but nobody else the details of that illness. I'm not looking for special treatment or anything. Will they think I am?

In response to: I feel...

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

Hey @Queenie. Sorry to hear you're feeling the way you are. I don't know what others would think upon hearing that you're living with a mental health issue but I know if someone disclosed that to me I wouldn't think anything bad of them. I would really hope that others in your course, especially given what it is (community services from memory?) would have lots of understanding and care if anything. The courses that I have finished, and the one I didn't which were all in a similar field, had many people in them with experience of MH and/or related challeges.

In response to: Re: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

Thanks for your reply @CheerBear. I'm sort of feeling comforted by what you have written in a way. The only way it came out at all is because we had a 'supervision meeting' as a class where we each unpacked a bit of our emotional 'baggage'. Thank goodness that subject is now complete!

I am feeling very emotional tonight (bordering on showing the Mrs my red card of distress). I don't want to spoil her celebratory mood she is in however for passing the subject (she is studying the same course). I think I've just hit the wall so to speak. I was tossing up connecting in the with the HC, but I feel like I'd just be wasting time that could be better used for someone else.

I just feel like throwing in the towel. I'm safe, I'm not actively suicidal (even though I think about it at least daily, if not more often).

I cannot focus tonight on meditation and I don't feel like playing with my sensory toys.

Feeling a whole gamut of emotions... all of them negative.

In response to: I feel...

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

I put my hand up in class to be a "client" for a counselling unit one time. The teacher is a counsellor in a form of therapy that's pretty full on. The whole idea was for him to demonstrate specific counselling skills with real life issues. I was the biggest, most gigantic mess as I totally forgot that I was in front of a whole class. It was full on and there was complete silence for a while after it was over. I went outside for a breather and when I came back the teacher asked me to look at everyone individually (because I couldn't make eye contact) and it was really scary but they were all so understanding and it was a seriously "real" moment shared. This work is all about being real (imo) @Queenie and maybe you were showing some real-ness, which for what it's worth, is so important I think. Tough stuff though.

I'm hearing you with the other parts too. I feel lots of reluctance connecting with services sometimes for the reason that I wonder whether I'm worth the time. I think deep inside I know that I am, and you are also. Definitely. It's hard to see that sometimes though. Do you think it's something that might help?

Here for a little and listening if you'd like some company here though.

In response to: Re: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

Thank you sincerely for sitting with me @CheerBear, I very much appreciate it.

In response to: I feel...

CheerBearSenior Contributor

Re: I feel...

You're welcome @Queenie. I'm so sorry things are hard. Being close to/in red - it's lots of ugh 😞
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