I feel...

What happens when you are only living for others and not yourself? Take this course for example, yes I am passionate about MH advocacy, but at the end of my studies, I doubt I'll have the capacity to work in a workplace.

Sometimes I really struggle for reasons to stay the line and keep on going every single day. I don't doubt that one day my mental health will get the better of me. I've been told that since I was 12 years old and encouraged to do it even. I honestly believe that people (including my new 'family') would get over me in time. Yes, it would be shocking to start with but with time and new relationships, people move forward. I'd be easily 'replaced' in time. That doesn't frighten me at all actually. I guess because I am estranged from my actual blood family helps with that.

Don't worry folks, I'm not going to end life today, or next week even, but the thoughts are always there, lingering.

Here's to the chronically suicidal I guess.

Hi there @Queenie 🙂

Sounds like you're deep in thought tonight, do you know what's brought on the questioning or is it something that you have a close relationship with?

Would you mind telling me some more about your studies? I like hearing your passion around the topic. Often when we are passionate about things they can in be in line with our values, for example, what we stand for in life. Do you relate to being guided by your values when your engaged with your current studies?

Also, I know I speak for others when I say this- you would be missed, so much so.

Please know your not alone,

Pebbles 🙂

Hi @Former-Member, nothing, in particular, has brought on the questioning tonight. It's something that mulls around in my head constantly. I've put it out there to try and stop thinking about it so much. There is not a single day that goes by (even when I am on a manic high I still fleeting think about this) that I don't think about my own demise by suicide. Like I said, I've been thinking about it (and actually encouraged to complete the act by my stepmother) since I was 12 years old. I didn't start having schizophrenic-type symptoms until I was 16 when I first started hearing voices.

I guessing the thinking has come about because of my studies. We are doing reflective practices at the moment and it is all about unpacking our 'baggage'. I come with enough baggage to sink a battleship! There are things I've kept absolutely private, from everyone which eat at my brain sometimes. I've done some truly horrible things in my life and if people knew about them, I'd just know they'd all hate me. Hell, I hate myself for them. Also bringing all this thinking to the forefront is talking about my dear friend who died. She deserved more from life, but I wasn't able to save her. What kind of best friend am I?

My studies are a diploma of community services work. While I enjoy it (the study), I don't think I'm necessarily cut out to be a community services worker. Initially, when I enrolled, I wanted to use the Diploma to gain a year's credit towards a social work degree. I thought this was in line with my values. I have no idea now. I did a values quiz recently and it said this kind of work WAS in line with these so-called values. I basically want to be a social worker because I don't want people to go through what I went through in the 'system'. The mental health system in Australia is problematic and there a lot of people who fall through the cracks (my friend included).

I'm safe for now. It's just this chronic thinking which never abates.

im pretty short on words tonight @Queenie but i am hearing you and your concerns. sending some hugs and wishes that things will improve for you

That's okay @outlander. Thanks for your thoughts and wishes.

I think there must be something about Summer which sends me all over the place. Every single Summer since 2006, I've been hospitalised due to this kind of thinking going into actual planning. The fact it is just thoughts and not actual planning must show some kind of improvement. It's been a year since I was last hospitalised for my schizoaffective disorder being out of control on the depressive side.

you know @Queenie i think people can get SAD in summer. i know its mostly associated with the winter months but i find the heat really hard to cope wth, constant sweat, and flies, and mosquitos and bugs etc makes me more irritated then the cooler months. maybe its the same for you too?

not being in hospital this year is a good sign things are on the mend but dont be too hard on yourself either if you do end up in there. id much rather you safe than not, you mean alot to heaps of people here including myself

I agree with you @outlander about the Summer season affective disorder (SAD). But perhaps in our Summer, there are a lot of triggering times too, like Christmas and New Year? Throw into that mix my birthday is in late January also (which can be a trigger as I'm reminded how much my immediate family hate me). My Mrs keeps bringing up memories on her Facebook wall of previous hospitalisations of mine lately. Nearly always in Summer. I think this time I managed to dodge an admission with a stay in respite for 5 nights. Things could have ended up a lot worse.

I'm safe for now. I say for now, because I honestly don't know what tomorrow will bring, it isn't promised and I'll only know once it arrives. I hope that makes sense.

I find it comforting, yet alien at the same that a group of strangers would miss me more on than my blood family. They've honestly been trying to bump me off for years now!

Thank you for your reply @Queenie, I really like the way you explain things and write 🙂

The beauty of self reflection hey. It's a loaded space. Loaded with everything! But you do have the control over what comes out, what goes where and what stays in places that feel the safest. I'm picturing a vault, one that you are in control of.

We are who we are here today and have been shaped by our past. I like to think of our future as being a space where we can work with it to help shape the future chapters. Your studies sound great, try not to judhe your self too harshly, I hear you want to become a social worker because you want to help others. That's a pretty good vision in my eyes.

Your strength radiates @Queenie- even if that's not true for you I hear such strength and courage to be standing there today.

Kindess is more powerful than judgement.

theres heaps of reasons @Queenie including all the ones you meantioned too. i think summer is way overrated and unless you love being a fish in water than im not fussed on it. and yep add xmas, nys it all adds up.

have you spoke to your mrs about the sharing on fb? maybe you could ask her not to share as it set you back and you want to move forward?

we might be strangers Q, however we are real people behind these screens. tbh i think the people on the forums better understand me than anyone else and most often more than i know myself too. i find it comforting too. your never really alone, we are all here for you