I feel...

I'll see if I can copy and paste my post in the alcohol thread:

Reading through this thread... I've had a bit of an epiphany. I think although I don't drink every single day, I am still battling with alcoholism. Why, you may ask?

Before my best friend took her own life 12 years ago, I use to drink to get drunk every day. If I was drinking, I was out of mind on other substances. I did all this to 'cope' the nightmare which was going on in my own mind. It somehow made it easier to accept that I just wasted, not mentally ill (for me at least). Every single time I went to hospital, I would have the combination of detoxing as well as being treated for a mental illness (dual diagnosis).

Fast forward 12 years and while I hardly drink these days, when I do have a tipple, I go overboard. When I drink alcohol I do not take my medication because I know it is dangerous to mix the two. I literally get a taste for it and don't know when to stop when I go overboard. Feel really bad mentioning this, because to be honest I thought I had reached the point in my life where I could have a couple and stop, but I can't. I drink until the bottle is dry (I drink spirits too). If my friends I am drinking with offer me more alcohol after I've exhausted my own supply, I jump at the chance.

I guess I am still an alcoholic after all. I feel kind of embarrassed knowing this.

I just feel full of shame over this. It has really triggered an intense sorrow in me. It is kind of difficult to put into words. My twenties were full of boozing. My thirties haven't changed much. I don't believe in God, so I don't put much faith in programs like AA/NA or Grow, so I just muddled along myself. My birthday was last week right? Well I spent the entire Thursday-Saturday drinking until I was sick. During this time not one of those days did I take medications. This probably is playing havoc with going up and down like a yo-yo and certainly doesn't do my schizoaffective illness any good. But I do it to be sociable, none of my friends need medication to get through each day and I know alcohol is a depressant. I rarely get out, so when I am invited to a party (this past weekend was my party organised by my Cousin who'd I'd walk over hot coals for), I like to drink to be sociable as that's what they're all doing.

I think Australia has very much a drinking culture. Once you reach 18, it is seen as the social norm to drink socially. The fact is I crossed waaaay over that line. It's just not sitting well with me that I am STILL over that line. I thought I was recovered, in fact I'm not. It's just shattering.

Yeah. 😞

I'm just a middle-aged fool. I realise that now.

I just did some googling and found the burial place of my best friend who took her own life. All I did was google her name. 😞 😞 😞 I still miss her all these years later. Man I gotta stop triggering myself. Sh*t sh*t sh*t!

Hi @Queenie

I don't think you are a fool at all but the exact opposite. I think you are extremely courageous and brave to acknoweldge what is happening for you. I think we all have things that we do that we know are not good for us but we do them anyway. The fact that you can recognise them and write about them is very brave.

Don't be too hard on yourself hun, you are doing the best you can under difficult circumstances. There are going to be ups and downs in our journeys, but as long as you keep trying then take that as a postivie.

Take care of yourself because you do matter

Thank you @Former-Member

There used to be a website dedicated my friend, but it got taken down for some reason. I only have one photo of her but a lifetime's worth of memories. I admitted a little of what I'm going through tonight to my Mrs, but I don't think she fully understands the depth of what I am talking about.

Thank you @outlander and @Former-Member for understanding. I guess it's okay not to be okay.

Losing a friend in that way is heartbreaking and we never get over it...

socialising with others and feeling the need to keep up with the alcohol is far more of a problem than is reported.. Spirits..downing shots all part of the younger generation competition.. Yes very much Australian culture..

rest and believe in yourself

as the others said you are honestly speaking about your temporary setback..I wonder if you are writing like I do..expressing what is travelling through your mind..discovering more about yourself...a good thing.. Good that you are also aware that alcohol is a depressant?.missing medications...new ones..will all have an affect on your moods..

perhaps as you say you needed to get through reminders of your loss ,acknowledging that your friend will always have a place in your heart..

rest and take, care