I feel...

I don't remember you ever speaking drivel, @Queenie. What you are describing with your father is ongoing suffering in a relationship that should be giving you support. I didn't accept that my family 'hated' me (I don't think that). I just stopped caring as much about the relationship in some way myself. Drew something of myself back in. Which seemed to balance things better for me, and even for them.

Maybe just maybe one day I'll reach a level where I'll stop giving to the relationship with my Father. @Mazarita you have a way with words, thank you sincerely.

I'm glad if any of my words have helped, @Queenie. What do you do when you spend time alone in your room? It's the kind of thing I used to do a lot when I lived in share houses with unfamiliar people. I pretty much had everything set up in there for my amusement. I always need time out alone, every day! People are too exhausting for me.

@Queenieit is not drivel at all. It is important to you and affects you, therefore it is obvisously something that you need to express. I am happy to sit here and listen to anything you have to say.

I think a parents role is to love their children unconditionally no matter what, so I don't think you expect too much from your father. It is he who is missing out on your life.

My room is set up fairly well @Mazarita. It is situated right next to the toilet/bathroom in the house, so I don't need to pass by anyone really. I have Foxtel and my PS4 in the bedroom, plus the wifi has a strong signal so unless I need to eat or drink, I never have to leave this end of the house (laughs ironically at that point). Last night the Mrs came in to see me as I forgot to eat dinner and hadn't had anything to drink for quite a few hours. Bless her, she brought she a bottle of chilled water and a toasted sandwich. Her heart is in the right place and she knows I've been struggling lately. Strangely I've always been a people person but as my MI took a hold of me before I was treated, I began to withdraw from people. I let very few people in... perhaps because of my anxieties around being hurt?

@Former-Member yes, in a perfect world my Father would love me like he used to before he got re-married. I guess I have to come to terms with my reality though. People change and he has indeed. He's not the same man anymore. Just like I'm not a little girl anymore either.

Thank you to the both of you for sitting with me tonight. I only have to hold out 3 more days until respite and I can get some professional help in some capacity. I am really hoping the NDIS doesn't take that away from me.

Good to know you are well set up in there for times like this, @Queenie. Sweet of your Mrs to bring you food and drink in there last night. Great that it's only 3 days to respite for you. I do hope the application process leads to continued support for you.

Hello @Queenie

I wanted to let you know that I have not stopped thinking of you and the struggles that you are experiencing at this time...still waiting for your respite...you are so very strong and brave...believe that

I am unwell and struggling myself...I only mention this as I may not be able to express what I want to say to you in words that I feel will justify my intent.

Mazarita and Nell expressed beautifully that there is no fault on your part in regard to your relationship with your father..

for whatever reasons he has....whatever unresolved issues or ill health or pain...he has no right to treat you in the way he has ....as a human being let alone his daughter...

you can still choose to love the father you had in earlier years...the father who showed his love...patience and respect...you do not ever have to let go of that or lose that...those times are a part of you ....he as he was still remains with you...regardless of what he or anyone else tells you now..

you do not have to like him now as a result of how he has been treating you...

hold onto who you are.. unique....you have your own love to share ....if anyone chooses not to accept that love you have the right to withdraw it...

you still are the same loving you...they are the ones with the issues...

you are nearly there...time for respite....rest....breathe...let go slowly...

I think that your experience at the buddhist garden was a confirmation of just how much you had been holding onto....

when you are feeling more rested....think about your values ...how you like to treat others and how you would like them to treat you in all areas of your life..

this is where I am at now....constantly resetting boundaries...

bless you queenie...sending you hugs ...respect....and energy to rebuild yourself slowly...love yourself and believe in yourself..

take care

Wow @Former-Member, I am blown away by your response. I don't really know what to say in response. I feel validated so thank you.

Sometimes I feel emotionally stunted. I feel like I have all these unprocessed emotions piled up one on top of another. Emotions which have formed due to experiences I wouldn't wish on my worst enemy. I am still grieving the loss of my Mother I think. Does that sound strange at all? I was 11 years old at the time and hardly cried at all due to the shock of it all. I was always eccentric and emotionally detached during high school (which I started a few months after her death). I was bullied somewhat severely by my peers and often sat alone at recess and in class. People thought I was weird. I just had developed a set of good friends in my senior year when my Brother died. This time I fell into a deep depression. I was emotionally abused at home from my Stepmother and admitted early on in my teens that I wanted to die. My Father did nothing at first, but after my school got involved, took me to CYMHS in my State. That was the first time it was raised that I was immature for my age. I guess as I got older, emotionally I remained that same shattered 16 year old kid whose life was pretty messy.

These days I cry at a drop of a hat if I'm on a low. It is like I am still searching for acceptance and love from my family. I just have to accept and get it through my skull that it will never happen. I have a great Mrs and her family, but it never seems enough. Is that wrong?

Hello @Queenie

no need for wow....all true..I have read so many of your responses as well as your posts...you have so much courage more than you realise perhaps...

then that is mental illness..throw in some empathy and we are more than likely even further down..closer to the bottom of the list when it comes to self love..

you experienced tremendous loss at a very early age..losing your mother..a significant loss...followed by another huge loss your brother..

a not very nice stepmother ...wicked stepmother?? Would have created further loss in the closeness and loving times shared with your father..

bullying..isolation all take their toll..

yet here is a brave lady who is concerned for her Mrs and hormonal teenagers...

so it is very easy to find wonderful things to say about you..

there are some parallels with my life....I suffered loss at an early age ....I lost the love and affection which I yearned for from my twin.. She wanted independence..I wanted closeness..none of my family expressed or demonstrated love or spoke of it..more emphasis on correctness..discipline..etiquette..obedience and honesty..

even though they all knew that we all loved one another..

I felt that it was something bad about me..I felt that I was unloveable...I thought that feelings of heaviness and blanks were part of being...I wasn't diagnosed with depression until two years after the birth of my first son...then with psycotherapy I was told that I had been depressed from a young age...

we moved so mant times backwards and forwards ..7 countries before 12years old..dad in airforce and after leaving unsure where to settle..so that was loss.. He was not around much always searching for next place..home school..etc..more loss..

I lost my dad 19years ago....

life is challenging and when I am managing I like challenges...not health or sadness though..

I am relieved for you that you have this respite period coming up..Only leave when you are ready or cannot stay any longer...if you can think of what you want moving forward....how to make some personal boundaries and an interest for queenie...

I need to cry but most times can't..the emotion is stuck..so if you can cry..let the tears come then have some resting time..

take care ...you have a life ahead of you..

here is another big hug....

Well forumites, Here I am at respite. It is kind of lonely here because the workers are in the worker's area (where we're not allowed to go) and I'm the only guest. It is so quiet (but I'll get used to that). So far I've played a game of pool with myself (I lost) and I've had a glass of red cordial. Red cordial usually gets me going hyper-like, but this hasn't. I think it is the variety that has no artificial additives. I have my art stuff and my first assignments for my course are up on the student portal, so I might get busy with those.

I'm just hoping to have my mojo back where I don't cry at the drop of a hat, but at the same time, not manic either.