I feel...

Hey, little pea @Bunniekins, I missed being here too, but the late nights and early mornings meant that luxuries like surfing the internet just couldn't happen. I've made absolutely certain I am not missing out on respite. Sh*t hit the proverbial fan late last week when there was a suggestion I cut back my respite from a week to 3 days. I went completely off my head and swore at all and sundry. I said if it was only 3 days I might as well cancel the whole bloody thing! They just don't seem to see how important it is for me. I need this respite to get past the fact that I've got another birthday approaching and my Father will probably ignore it again. He has for the past 3 years so I'm not holding my breath. My aunt got angry at me for no reason the other night. She even said, "why do you bother calling me when you've got nothing to say". I felt hurt because I'm so isolated and ostracised from them that I have absolutely nothing in common with them. It kind of hurts when my own family act like they hate me.

@tinolatin, unfortunately, I have to rely on medication, as I'd much rather be in the world everyone else is in than my own (sometimes horrifying) world. I remember all too well the times before I took medication and being arrested by Police and doing really risky and unsafe things. It tore my friends and family apart. I'm staying on the medications, even if they do make my brain foggy sometimes.

Unfortunately, I don't seem to fit in with therapy much. I've had years of it @tinolatin and I've always muddled through without much to gain from it, to be honest. Yes, it works wonders for some people, but after a myriad of therapy styles and a plethora of psychologists, I am no better off.

I saw my support worker today. I wasn't even dressed when she turned up on my doorstep. What the heck is wrong with me? I'm never like this. I'm usually organised. Lately I couldn't organise my way out of a wet paper bag if I tried! I told her I am going to respite next week and told her all about my recent downturn in my mental health. I just feel so crappy. I just feel so apathetic towards everything. I miss the euphoria and confidence I had a few weeks ago.

We were prepping my application to the NDIA and realised I probably will lose out on it. I have a psychosocial disability and it is so changeable from baseline to unwell. When I am well I am independent and capable. At my worst I can barely speak and am so caught up in my own 'world' that communication is difficult. I didn't want to lose my support worker, but here I am likely to end up with no support because I'm seen as high functioning and that is exactly what is assessed - level of functioning. I feel however that I won't be the only one to slip between the cracks.

Here I am distressed yet again. Wishing everyone around me would just disappear. I've shut myself in my bedroom with music playing so they can't see me. I just feel so low. I know in reality it is the low after the high I'm experiencing, but all the same it hurts.

Heavily triggered by my Father contacting me. I am laughing hysterically when inside I feel dead already. Why can't he treat me with respect? I told him about my recent relapse (not that he really was interested). I told him about how euphoric and confident I felt when I was in a manic phase. He was surprised as he claims he's never heard of me doing that before. It seems he has a very short memory when it comes to me. I had to bring it all up again.

Oh well. This just sucks.

@Queeniesorry you had to go through that. Am hearing you. Sometimes people just suck and have no respect for others

@Former-Member It really sucks. My Mum and Brother must be turning in their graves.

Hi @Queenie, the difficulty with your father is a sad ongoing story. I think if I was in your shoes, I might just write him off, to be honest. But family is hard to let go of, and it's probably not the way to go really, though finding some way to accept the situation seems desirable if possible. One thing I did in my relationship with my mother was just accept at some point that it would never be the relationship I wanted it to be, and that there would always be difficulties and disappointments. And, since I no longer expected it to be any different, it has actually improved. Not ideal still (never will be), but better inside for me (and because of that for her too I think).

The NDIS seems a disaster when it comes to mental health (and maybe not just mental health). I made the decision not to even apply because of how psychologically damaging the process of applying would be, and because I sensed I wouldn't be approved. All accounts I've heard about it have confirmed this impression. It's a shame.

Don't have anything really positive to give back to you, but I am hearing what you are going through. ox

@Queeniethat is why I have nothing to do with some of my family, they don't want to understand me.

Remember you have other people that care for you and love you. You have a big network of support on here too.

I am sorry to hear of your brother and your mother. They seemed to support you alot more than your father ever did.

I wish sometimes I didn't answer the phone when he calls @Mazarita @Former-Member. The only problem is with saying that, is I never know it's him. He blocks his number or calls from random other phones that I don't recognise. I was just getting my life on track after his efforts just before Christmas. I have to accept it is what it is, but he always seems just how to push my buttons without seemingly trying very hard. A psychologist I once went to said: "Blessed are those without expectation, for they are never disappointed". I think that's a fairly true statement. Back then he said it to me on the basis that I expected too much of myself, but maybe I expect too much of my Father as well? The people who do love me and support me have always said that they hated the way he builds me up with false promises and when I take the bait, he tears me apart emotionally (their words not mine). I read today about bullying of another poor teen which has led them to take their own life. I even mentioned it to my Mrs how I've been bullied by my own family for most of my life now. Numerous times I've tried to take my own life and couldn't even get that right (because I'm a failure obviously). You're right, I have to accept that my Family hates me. There are so many secrets and lies being told I never know who to believe anymore.

With regards to the NDIS stuff, my support worker is encouraging me to apply but the process makes me out to be a completely helpless human being. Sure, when I am unwell, I need a lot of support added but everything is being stripped bare and put into a report for some stranger to read. Then after the humiliation of all that, I still might not get approved. It's a very problematic system.

Thank you for sitting with me and hearing what I am saying (even if it is drivel). I appreciate it.