I feel...

@Queenie

Sorry to hear you are going through such a tough time at the moment. I understand the question you ask as I often ask it myself: is it better to have sh*t family or no family at all? My father has no photos at all of me or my siblings in his house. His wife (my wicked stepmother) won't let him acknowledge us. He sometimes visits me in secret, but it is like I am a secret and not to be acknowledged. It really messes with my head. I don't want to pour my troubles out on here or take away from what you are going through. I hope hearing parts of my story makes you realise you are not alone. There are many of us who have been badly treated by so called 'family'. Family can be evil.

It sounds like you have some nice people in your life who are kind and I am happy to hear that there are some good things surrounding you. Focus on the good people in your life and keep away from the bad. Blood links us to certain people but we can choose (and make) our own family.

sending you happy thoughts

Hi @Queenie

That is so tough - people - including our parents - can be so cruel sometimes

My parents have both gone now but for years during my lifetime my mother was icy and insisted I upset her too much - now she was already upset but still - I found it really hard that I couldn't see my father for many years until he got sick and tired of the drama and wanted me back in the family

So yes - those bitter tears, stinging sore eyes, headaches from the crying and heart-ache - yes - it's so hard and I am really sad you are going through all this now

It seems as if your Mrs is your best friend - and I am sorry about the car accident induced PTSD - it can take a long time to get past that

All the best Queenie

Dec

@Queenie i do want to jsut pull something up here though...

if your feeling unsafe you will call someone wont you and get yourself help

Qlife is good, ive used them too but also lifeline, beyond blue and sane is still open too

Thank you sincerely @outlander for your kind words... especially as you have your own stuff happening right now.

My Father and I have a strange relationship. When I was little, he and I got along really well. I was definitely a 'Daddy's girl'. I remember long drives in the country, just him and me and we'd talk about all sorts of things. How I wanted to be a palaeontologist and dig up dinosaurs for a living (obviously I didn't do that in the long run, I'm just not smart enough lol). When my Mother died when I was 11, the dynamic between us changed. He didn't love me anymore and never had time for me. I was bumped from relative to relative, especially after he got remarried to my Mother's sister. Instead, I was being abused emotionally by my now stepmother and her daughter. My Father simply turned a blind eye. When I was 12, I told him I hated myself and wanted to die. He took me to see a psychologist with youth mental health, but used to allow the abuse to continue. I grew up pretty warped. I guess my Father sees me as a failure because I never lived up to my dreams. I let him down and we grew very far apart. Now if he permits me to call him (he has blocked me on his phone most of the time), he tells me how disinterested he is in me.

I guess I am mourning another parent in a way.

@QueenieI wouldnt be here if I didnt want to ok

I hate when parents decide to change because of their loss as well. Its like hes taken it out on you as well which is in no way shape or form right and shouldnt be the case at all and you deserve so much better! I understand the emotional abuse as you know from my own situation. Its really affects us in all aspect of our life.
Im wondering if part of this as well Is the fear of abandonment? He is the last link to your side of the family and maybe its bringing up those abandonment feelings?

Please dont ever think your worthless. You arent. You are a wife to im sure a lovely woman who deeply cares for you, and you are a perr supporter! Thats not an easy task. I dont that through school and being emotionally avaliable all the time is ahrd work and having to put your own feelings aside for others too.

It seems like you are already in mourning Q. and its hard.

and btw you were so young when that was your dream. people grow and change. i think being a social worker is your calling, your apssionate about it and itll help so many people not only clients but also their family too

Wow, I feel incredibly humbled by you all replying to this thread. Thank you @outlander, @Owlunar and @girl99 for your responses.

@girl99 I am sorry you went through such similar circumstances, it is something none of us deserves, but unfortunately, so many of us endure. I am really very sorry and I hope I haven't triggered any bad memories for you by bringing up this stuff of mine. I did do my best to create my own family of good friends over the years, but for whatever reasons they've gone on to have families of their own and left me behind in the past. I have my Mrs, but I could never tell her what happens for me most of the time. She knows I have a combination of bipolar and schizophrenia but that is it. I don't go into my stuff too much because it's weird but I cannot bring the words to verbally say them. Typing them is one thing. I know she is here and she said she logged in on her phone last night after I was in tears and read my posts to see what's up. I guess I should feel a little unnerved by that, but I don't. For once I am glad as she's the only family I have that I can trust.

@Owlunar wow you described how I feel right now so perfectly. The emotion I feel right now is just how you have described. It's sad so many of us have been in the same place I am now. I guess it is comforting to know I am not alone.

Thanks for sitting with me through this. @outlander I'm safe for now. I did talk to QLife earlier in the evening and found them pretty awesome. I did the online chat thing. I also spoke to two QLife counsellors on Friday at the mental health expo I was at. For some reason I just saw them and fell in a giant heap of crap at their stall. Kinda feel ashamed doing that.

Perhaps I'm just at a bipolar low, I don't know. For once the schizy side of things is pretty quiet. Maybe it is grief, I don't know. It is like mourning for someone without a funeral if that at all makes sense?

dont feel embarrassed @Queenie qlife are those who can relate to you so much even though its jsut for your sexuality but its a form of comfort having those that understand the difficulties of not being a striaght person.

i found them quite helpful as well. i spoke to them not too long ago and i found them to be quite knowledgeable.

im here for you Q. in spirit too xoxo

I am not sure if I have a fear abandonment @outlander. Perhaps I do? I remember years ago when I was first diagnosed, my then partner (my now ex-partner) said that I did and tried to tell my psychiatrist that I had BPD. I don't think I have that though. I think it isn't so much the fear of abandonment, more the knowledge that I have been abandoned and left to fend for myself at such a young age. All this stuff only ever comes up when he contacts me and this time he said he bringing everything that is a reminder of me. He is moving to a retirement village and I am not permitted to know where this is or to try to contact him until he contacts me. Every time he contacts me, it is like being stabbed in the back all over again. I think abandonment hurts, whether or not you have mental health issues and this is where I am lying now.

I feel kinda angry at him. Sometimes I would like to scream at him, but I am much too reserved for that I think. I have never once yelled at my Old Man. Perhaps I should?

@Queenie it might be that fear, just a thought.

being in this situation with or without a mh issue is tough and would be affecting a great deal either way.

and yep thats also a very valid point, the knowledge that youve been left as well. esp being a young age too so having to process that from a young age is hard. very hard.

your allowed to be angry, im like you though i wont speak my mind i will try to keep the peace except im upfront and if i speak then i will and wont hold back which is both a positive and a negative.

you dont have to confront him though. maybe this will be a blessing in disguise? youll be able to mourn (yes its possible to mourna living human) the loss of your father but in a way he will be gone. you wont speak to him and eventually might be able to accept that loss. this might jsut ease your fears about having to contact him and why he doesnt answer then getting a kick in the guts every time he does ring.

@outlander, you are a very wise young woman. Thank you for helping to put things into perspective.