I feel...

@Queenie

how are you today?? did you manage some sleep?

has the atmosphere at home improved....hopefully...another day sometimes makes the difference..

hoping that you either receive the medical attention you urgently need or are managing in the now for the time being until at least tomorrow when the whole world opens it's doors for business....

thinking of you

what colour is the traffic light now?

I had a terrible night's sleep. There were a lot of parties in the neighbourhood who kept me awake (but it is only one night so I don't really mind).

I'm still red on the traffic light system. The Mrs has gone for the afternoon to take the children back to their home, they will be back in a few days.

The Mrs has calmed down a bit although is still adamant that me wanting to go to respite means there is something wrong with her (I want to escape her). It is kind of weird because she has BPD and I know it is her abandonment issues coming to the forefront. I told her it is for a week maximum. She can call/skype me anytime she wants. She is still very negative about it.

Added to my worries is the issue of my Mrs' mh issues. Every time I go downhill and need help from respite/hospital, she resorts to SH. That is another reason why I don't speak up. Last time I was in hospital, it was pretty bad.

Hi @Queenie I have been reading along but havent commented becasue really I don't think I have any worthwhile advice to add.

I just wanted to say that it sounds like you have been put into a real difficult situation with your Mrs and are trying to think about yourself and her at the same time which makes things super tricky. But the only way to look after someone else is to look after yourself first (I am sure you know this anyway)

I am sorry that all this is happening for you. Just wanted you to know that I am hearing you, thinking of you and sending virtual hugs your way

hello @Queenie

relieved to hear that you made it through the night...that is the end of the silly season...

red traffic light indicating to me.....self care utmost ...

you are in a further difficult situation as your partner has her own mental health issues.,..I can well imagine her having difficulties with you going away due to her abandonment issues...

remember queenie they are her difficulties not caused by you....

are you able to request an urgent appointment with you pdoc or psychiatrist....whomever is your main specialist and prescribes your medication..

ask your partner if she would come too adding that you are struggling to say the right words...you are very unwell....most important for you that she understands is nothing to do with her... if put that way

she might feel less pressured...

my husband came once when I was in hospital....the second time I think....he told my therapist that he did not believe in it...the therapist responded with well done for coming in....99.9% of patient's families will not come...when my husband talked and listened ..he thanked the doctor at the end saying that he appreciated what he had been told but still did not understand mental illness...

that was ok though...i dont expect him or need him to understand the illness if he can't ...i just need him to understand that there are times where i am very unwell and on the outside might not appear any different...

if you can try to turn it around so that your partner is involved in the appointment as well as listening re medication as well as organising respite....she will not feel abandoned but that she was able to help the person she loves...

if you are struggling to put a sentence together which can happen when we get in a very bad way...write a short letter emphasising some of the above and at the end how important she is and you as a couple are..so you need to do this so that you can continue having a loving relationship..

if the answer is no....again not your fault...you tried ....she also might be struggling at this time of year and not realising or unable to voice...so no blame needed for either of you..

talk to your friends on here and get through another number of hours....count down to bedtime...

then phone call to get in to medical person tomorrow

hope some of this is helpful and do hope not too long winded...I do go on and on...is me though..

Okay, so I have wait until the 16th to go to respite, so hopefully they can fit me in. That leave 5 days of respite before my course begins. I hope it is enough.

My Mrs has decided I can go in then. I want to go sooner but nothing can be done I guess as we are fully booked with appointments and family gatherings and stuff. I am beginning to despise the teenagers as we have them so often and have to take them out places like movies and theme parks. We can't afford it and that will mean I'll probably not be able to afford respite even if I could get in.

It's a miserable effed up catch-22. My Mrs gets money from the government to care for me and she is spending it on the teenagers instead which effs me off.

thats a good start @Queenie at least you have a date in mind and i really hope that youll be able to go. itll give you that time away from everything before your course starts.

is your respite centre not government funded?

It's a co-payment system @outlander. I have to pay a user fee towards food costs. The cost of accommodation and support workers are paid for by the government. It is kind of strange, as different places under the same organisation (ARAFMI) have different funding levels and sources. I don't know all the time which house I will be placed in either, it could be close by in the same suburb, or it could be in a different city entirely.

It is a confusing mess really, just like me.

thats abit strange @Queenie but i guess it works and your not a confusing mess at all

i really hope that you and mrs can sit down and work our your finances. i know its school holidays but not every single day has to be extravagant. trips to the beach, movies days, and things like that can entertain them too and they are either free or cheap, even cake decorating at home, baking days or something.

It's a strange place by household. When the teenagers are here, they take over the lounge and I don't even have anywhere to sit with the rest of the family. I have my own chair in the lounge but selfishly, they just take over. I am outcast which hurts. They can afford the theme park and movies because they are getting my mother in law to pay for the day. I have to pay for myself.... sigh. I get the least amount of the income in the entire household (they get supplements because of caring for me and then failing at that sometimes when I need them the most). I pay board, food, Foxtel and mowing. My Mrs just pays food and petrol. I can't put respite on credit card (you have to pay cash), I just don't know how I can possibly afford everything!

I've been hearing voices really badly all day since I awoke. I wish they'd disappear. I am also so down on myself. I was tempted to do something while I was home alone for a few hours. I didn't though, I got through it by pretending I was fine and crying my eyes out. I'm just so confused, paranoid and screwed. Trying to help myself get out of the hole but finding no-one in RL wants to help me and instead just make my life difficult.

@Queenie Hi Queenie .... damn girl what a situation ...teenagers are super expensive. I am a carer for my son and I know what you get isnt a kings ransom either ... I dont know what to say to be honest except you really need to get into respite asap.