I feel...

@Queenie Yes summer is toxic. I have been feeling so sick lately (better today) but lately I havent been able to do a thing ... I dont know ... luckly my meds seem to be doing the trick now voices are quiet and I dont miss them. I need everything to be quashed out. Do you know what I mean? Either one or the other my voices generally are mischievious more so than mean of vindictive although get me into trouble.

It must be so hard for you to have nasty voices I cannot imagine ... my voices just make me look like a lunatic lol. Cant have that now can we in the real world so zombie me out please.

@outlander Hi outlander I am very concerned about queenie. Not talking about you like you are not there queenie but am concerned that you are feeling so bad.

I just wrote out in big letters I'M RED on a post-it note. I put it on my Mrs' phone where she'll see it @outlander @Bunniekins. I feel like I'd be wasting the mods time and their time is precious overseeing the forums, particularly if they are busy.

I just hope that my Mrs and I can discuss things tonight after the children are in bed.

I did protest the reduction in medication @Bunniekins, as I thought (and all puns intended) it was a crazy idea. Right now the children are in my bedroom with my Mrs discussing the upcoming holiday plans. It just makes me cringe thinking of all they are planning and how much I've got to keep on putting that mask on.

@Queenie Sounds like a good plan. Get the kids off to bed early and have a talk with Mrs 🙂

@Queenie Stupid doctors messing with medications when they are working ... *sigh* right at Christmas for you ... try not to stress. I upped my medications myself because I knew my mi was not being controlled by the current dosage. I believe it has helped and will tell Dr G and even if he says no I will keep up with the current dosage because I cannot stand being insane!

@Queenie you know what he said to me he said he didnt want me to be a zombie!! Im like well I dont want to be insane!! better a zombie than certifiable! So we will undoubtedly have a debate at our next appointment.

I'm thinking of giving my pdoc a piece of my mind when I see him next @Bunniekins! He rarely sees me angry and describes me as placid and easy going so he shall see a different side of me. Still, he is better than my old pdoc who didn't want to medicate me at all (and no wonder I was off the rails all the time, including being carted off to the hospital in handcuffs several times).

I just want to give up this fight because I'm so exhausted. Ordinarily, I'd pack myself off to respite or something, but they are full up (I know because I emailed them today). They don't close down for Christmas/New year but often take on people who are unwell but not unwell enough for hospitalisation.

I'm again blasting music in my ears, it helps a little but I pity my hearing because I play it loud enough so I can't hear my voices anymore. At the moment it is Ed Sheeran, before that, it was Lady Gaga.

i really hope your mrs does talk to you @Queenie im thinking she might be thinking the same as you in not wanting to discuss things in front of the kids so i really hope she talks to you after they are in bed.

not good about the medication reduction- is that because you kept going into the hypo stage?

That's right @outlander. I had my meds reduced because my pdoc thought I was doing well. To be honest so did I.

Sorry for the late reply, I managed to get my Mrs on my own and so I had a bit of a talk with her minus the children. She said she didn't want to see me hospitalised in any circumstances as it really crushes her emotionally (and it does, she resorts back to SH to cope). She said if I could get into respite, she'd be happy with that. The downside is she can't see me while I'm there as it is designed for carers to take a break from the people they care for so visits aren't encouraged.

I don't know if I can go back to the service I was using however, as one of my friends works there now and they'd be a conflict of interest. Kinda sucks really, but that's the way it goes. ARAFMI is a tricky organisation to navigate as it is!