I feel...

I feel utterly broken. If the children weren't here I'd probably do something, not sure what, but something negative.

I'm wearing that proverbial mask again to show on the outside I'm coping. I'm not coping. I'm totally fked.

I'm supposed to have all these things to look forward to but I just see blackness. Everything is black. I tried playing PS4 and didn't get any joy from it.

I'm pathetic. My voices say it all the time. They tell other people to poke fun at me. Sometimes they do too (like at the bus stop yesterday when I face planted into the concrete and everyone laughed even though I hurt myself).

I wish my voices would bugger off. They are never friendly. My GP is closed as they are away until next week (I'm due to see them next week anyway). I don't want to go back to therapy. I hated it and found it so unhelpful. Every single time I hit crisis point, my psychologist would phone my shrink and have me hospitalised. How is that helpful?

I feel like I am trapped in some higher power's video game (a bit like the SIMS), only the person controlling me doesn't like me very much and keeps pushing me to the limits all the time. I know how my own SIMS feel (I play that myself) when they get sad and gloomy. I make them do things that they enjoy. I don't enjoy anything though.

I don't even know what the point of this post is. I guess it doesn't really have a point. I'm just uber-stressed and fast reaching flash point. In the past I use to curb this by drinking heavily and taking illicit drugs. I lost a lot of friends that way. Not that I am a social butterfly now, I am a loner most of the time and Miss Nigel No-Friends.

Is it wrong to fantasise about how you might harm yourself? I'm not attention seeking or anything, just really screwed up perhaps. The children are here so I'd never put them in that situation anyway, but the thoughts are there...

I'll stop this rambling stupid post now.

@Queenie Definately not stupid feeling this way particularly when you have lost a dear member of the ... family and you have to put on a brave face for your children.You are grieving and your medications are not right and your voices are telling you shite ... dont worry people laughing because they dont know what to do not that they are being mean.

Do I think it is wrong to fantacize how you would hurt yourself? ... No I used to do it all the time as long as you dont actually do the deed that is. Sweet heart I think you might have to go to hospital as a voluntary patient ... just for a couple of days to get your medications right ... can someone help take you there and be there with you. Your Mrs?

I dont like the way you are sounding. love greenpea

hello @Queenie

I feel so concerned reading your words...

I wish that I could ease your pain in some way...

I can only let you know that in getting to know you reading your responses to others and also your own writings that you are a very loving person whom has been hurt and treated unreasonably..

I have been mistreated in my life and sadly internalised all of the anger and pain....patterned thinking...self esteem robbed from me...

I think that you might be feeling this way too after experiencing another loss...

grieving after loss is so important....so please be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to grieve...

the fact that your illness is interfering is making the situation there for you more risky..

I agree with greenpea....I think that a safe action to take would be to make a telephone call to lifeline...let them know how you feel...they will make the decision for you if needed...or if you feel strongly enough yourself ring your mental health team or an ambulance...apologies I am not too sure how the system works...

the most important thing is that you do not hold yourself to blame for how you are feeling...you have not failed...slipped backwards....disappointed anyone....you have had to deal with loss at such an extremely emotional time of year...

will you just respond back to let us know that you have made the call and are in safe hands...

there are so many on this forum who care so deeply for you queenie...only the other day I was referring you to Zam and remember how you helped him....

you can do this ...we know you can....even if you do it with tears pouring down your face....no matter...you have this...

I can't make the call @Former-Member @Bunniekins. The children are here and I don't want to bring them down. I did hint to my Mrs that things are not great with me, but she is too distracted with the death of the beloved dog and the children to pay me much mind.

I don't like chatting to Lifeline, as I find them incredibly scripted (on their chat service they basically just rehash what you've already said back to you and then half an hour later wind up the conversations without any real resolutions). I've been sleeping most of the day away today. It's the only time I'm not tormented. I'm being told I'm a party pooper because I'm choosing not to drink on NYE (I don't think it's a good idea to heavily drink when I am like this). A few days later I am supposed to be going to spend the day and night with my cousin, there is nothing I can do about that. I don't want to ruin it for everybody.

Meanwhile, that rubber band inside of me is winding tighter and tighter. The only escape is sleep I'm finding. Besides even if I did decide to go to hospital, the hospital I go to doesn't do admissions between Christmas and New Year because of the fact there are no doctors there (it's a private hospital). Wild horses couldn't drag me to a public hospital as the closest one with a mh unit is notoriously violent with a lot of out of control people there.

The children go home New Years Day and I see my GP on 5/1/18, so I'm sure something will sort itself out. I would never hurt myself whilst the children are here, no matter how bad I was feeling. I guess I'll get through it myself somehow or another. I feel like I'm still in control in an out of control circumstance.

@Bunniekins, @Former-Member

@Former-Member I hear what you are saying about being robbed of self-esteem, that is a major problem for me too. All my life I've been plagued by self-disrespect and loathing for as long as I can remember. I think it started as being anti-Tall Poppy Syndrome and with the abuse I endured as a young adult, it snowballed into what I am today.

I guess that's where I am at right now. Hanging by a mere thread and hoping the light at the end of the tunnel isn't an oncoming train.

im quite concerned with what your saying @Queenie what about talking to sane on either phone or chat? i too find lifeline scripted but sane is really good.

you dont have to drink on NYE at all, your thinking of yourslef and you can celebrate with alcohol if thats what you choose to do

i remember you have a stop light system- maybe you could change it from green to orange or even red?

@Queenie I am here for you Queenie ... I am more than happy (happy is not the right word but you know what I mean) to sit with you and for you to just talk if that helps. Any time that I am here I will just listen if you like. greenpea

The SANE chat is offline and I feel comfortable talking on the phone where the children can hear. I just took a shower and told my Mrs I am an orange/red on the traffic light system @outlander. She wanted to know what my voices are saying and I told her but she just dismissed it and wanted to argue with me/them. I don't think she fully understands really how it is for me.

Thank you for sitting with me little pea @Bunniekins. I have no idea why every Summer I go downhill. It has to be the weather I think, even if my GP doesn't agree.

@Queenie my son has seizures when the weather gets really hot. It is one of his triggers getting overheated. I believe you.

Perhaps the extreme weather is the same for me too @Bunniekins? It is supposed to be very hot tomorrow with severe storms in the afternoon/evening. I am looking forward to a cool change.

seems like shes not really listening atm @Queenie you can always email sane if you would like as well but we are here for you as well.

actually the heat is a trigger for me too and the hotter months. i actually wrote a while ago about SAD in summer. i find im more depressed and anxious in the heat than i am in the cold. so maybe it is the same for you as well. actually a few people here have said the same thing as well.

hey @Bunniekins