I feel...

I don't think I am good at anything in particular. I try to be a good wife to my Mrs (if that even counts?), but most of the time I sit with my back to her in the corner on my laptop crying my eyes out with headphones on to drown out voices. That is what I am doing right now. I thought about spending some time in respite, I can afford it monetarily, but the Mrs has booked holidays right up to Christmas. Then in January (when I usually go downhill) I have to enrol in studies at College. Valentine's Day she has booked an interstate holiday. I just want to run away by myself... is that rude? I guess I don't do anything right.

Today was a school friend's funeral. She achieved so much and was surrounded by love. I don't have any of that. The only friends I have are online. I have no RL friends. I used to have friends until I moved away from them. They came to my ceremony, but I haven't seen or heard from them since. Is it wrong to miss them? Maybe they hate me? I don't know. I've called them several times but they never answer and it goes through to voicemail.

Just sitting here blasting music in my ears and feeling very desolate.

I'm really sorry @outlander. I didn't mean to set you off 😞

I see my psychiatrist early December. I don't want to be hospitalised or anything like that. I am not sure though what I want. I'm glad it's not wrong to miss my friends. I've fallen out of friendships because they haven't kept in contact with me. It makes me feel sad.

I'm emotionally frazzled. Having to wear that mask again because the children are here.

Left totally and utterly confused by my Father. It seems he came all this way to ask for a phone number. Couldn't he have done that on the phone? I would've gladly given it to him had he asked instead of putting up some weird facade that he actually cared about me, however fleetingly. It was just really weird and has put me in a very emotional place of exhaustion.

Tomorrow is the Mrs' birthday party and my cousin (who is friends with her) and her friends will all be here, so more mask wearing. Then on Sunday another 7hr round trip to take the kids back. I'm exhausted. I am in a crowded room again, but feel all alone. I can't tell anyone what's wrong with me because I can't verbalise it.

hugs @Queenie im not sure what will help you right now except that im sending hugs and sitting with you.

your not alone my friend

Thank you @outlander. I don't think there is anything that will necessarily help me. I've just got to put my big girl knickers on and carry on the best way I can. I can't afford to fall apart right now. I don't want there to be any big scenes with the children here. They've suffered enough.

atta girl @Queenie youve got this! and we are right there beside you.

@Queenie

Aww thanks @outlander