I feel...

I am waiting for my support worker to text me back. She has been very busy with another client of late, so we shall see. I have to run out for about an hour to run a few errands... I'll let you know if she contacts me.

I feel like I don't belong. I am a piece of a jigsaw which doesn't fit.

But I am too gutless to do anything about it.

Sometimes I really hate being me!

I did this online mental health quiz today from what I thought was a reputable US website and it told me I had extremely poor self-esteem. From a score of 0 (being the best) and 100 (being the worst), I scored 92. I guess I don't like me at all. I've always had a sense of hatred towards myself, beginning around the time my Mother died. I saw a psychologist after I told my Father I wanted to die at 12. She said she'd never met someone like me before. She said I lived in a world of my own where I was being tortured by my own mind. I saw her through until I 16, all this time I was hanging by a thread of sanity. I began talking to things only I could see and hear. To make it easier for everyone associated with me, I put a myriad of posters on my walls with celebrity faces staring out at me. Everyone believed I was talking to these pictures... only I knew the truth.

I guess I am crazier than even I give myself credit for. All the times I've crawled out of the rabbit hole to Wonderland. It hasn't gotten me anywhere.

I really hate my life.

Sorry @outlander. I hope you don't think I was ignoring you... I was writing this at the same time as you posted.

My support worker didn't call me back. No texts. Nothing. Ho hum. Oh well. She forgot me I think. I'm not a high priority anyway.

I see my Father on Thursday afternoon @outlander. He is picking me up from therapy. I am hoping with all my heart that he wants a relationship with me, but I sorely doubt it. I have copped emotional abuse from him since I was 11 years old. I am 38 going on 39 now.

I don't think he wants to change anytime soon because it is too comfortable for him to hate me. That's okay I guess, I hate me too.