I feel...

I feel... as though if I disappeared nobody would miss me.

I spent hours and hours playing on my playstation today and started crying because nobody even came to see me or talk to me. I could hear them all happily chatting away and made me realise if I wasn't here, sure there'd be some sadness initially, but I'd soon be forgotten.

Makes me kind of want to quit trying.

aww big hugs @Queenie i know that feeling all too well

i would miss you!!!!! please dont stop trying

Thank you for saying that @outlander. I wish I could be assured that people would miss me irl. I came home from doing some Christmas shopping yesterday and just realised... rather it hit me... the people I am buying for wouldn't miss me if something happened to me. People like my in-laws, my Mrs' kids, my family, my friends... I just don't seem to connect with people very well at all. Most of the time I just float through the cyber world, anonymous and scared. People in the real world can be very cruel.

i hate those moments @Queenie rest assured that we would miss you an whole heap! id miss you soo much! you were one of the first people i met here!

Yeah I remember @outlander. Way back when.

I guess I'm just feeling kinda low at the moment. In ten days time will be an important anniversary of my best friend's passing and I am really struggling with it. It seems everyone but me has forgotten her. I miss her a lot. She gave me a really big trophy once she has bought saying on the plaque "Best Friend Award". I gave her a trophy saying the same thing, because back then neither of us had ever won a trophy for anything.

One really fond memory I have of her is that we used to dress up in silly disguises and go to random shopping malls and act like normal shoppers. I'm talking fake moustaches, beards, big Elton John style glasses, funny hats, big clown shoes... you name it. People used to come up to us and offer us money for whatever cause we were raising money for. Our response was always the same "we're not raising money, we're raising laughs".

I really miss having someone I can do that kind of silly stuff with. A lot of my friends say I should forget my friend because of how she died and told me it was the coward's way out, but I don't think of Sui like that at all. She wasn't a coward, she was one of the bravest people I knew. In the end, her MI just beat her is all.

I don't know @outlander, it might be just too hard for me even though it's been 10 years. Her family blamed me for her dying and won't even tell me where her grave is. Her friends and I had a memorial for her and released butterflies. There was once a mh awareness website with her story on it, but that organization has since closed, taking the website with it. I only have one picture of my friend. We never seemed to take photos much, even of our silly disguises.