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I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor25 Sept 2017, 10:10 pm AEST

I feel...

I feel desperately lonely yet, I feel like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in the 'Normal' world because I am tarred with the brush of mental ill health, yet because I've sort of stabilised now, I don't belong with my former peers either. I feel beige, uncoloured and boring with no emotion really even though if I had to say anything it is gutted. I feel trapped in a world I don't want and didn't ask for, yet whenever I try and break the shackles of failure, I am thrust back into the dark and reminded yet again of my failures (my Father is a constant person to remind me). I feel alone, even in a crowded room. I feel unheard, even if I am screaming loudly.

I guess I am just searching for something and not sure what.

Does anyone else feel beige?

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In response to: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor07 Nov 2017, 10:45 pm AEDT

Re: I feel...

Got a little too emotional last night. Sorry I wasn't here on SANE, I was at the Emergency Department of a metropolitan hospital with the Mrs. Her GP called her and told her to go immediately to the ED for review as her illness could mean she was in dire straights and she could go blind suddenly and permanently. We spent forever up there and with much poking and prodding they sent her home with follow up to come from a specialist. I got emotional when she went for a scan, I don't even know why. I think it was all the noises of other patients in pain and suffering and all the noises of the hospital plus the reason why we were there... it just really got to me. I feel like a fool now because I should be the strong one right now.

In response to: I feel...

outlanderSenior Contributor07 Nov 2017, 10:49 pm AEDT

Re: I feel...

Oh @Queenie im sorry to hear that. Hugs to you ❤❤ being in the ed is scary eap when you get a call like that. The urgency of that call would have been scary in itself let alone waiting for scans and having to be around the other patients
How are you feeling now? Honestly Q ❤

In response to: Re: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor08 Nov 2017, 2:03 pm AEDT

Re: I feel...

Honestly @outlander, I feel kind of stupid. I panicked when I shouldn't have. The only reason really that hospitals trigger me so much is because I used to work in one and was treated rather badly by colleagues when my diagnosis became known. I was always upfront and honest, but that was my downfall. Being in a busy hospital environment is just a major trigger for me because it brings back memories of the bullying I endured at the hands of supervisors and bosses.

In response to: I feel...

outlanderSenior Contributor08 Nov 2017, 2:18 pm AEDT

Re: I feel...

Oh sweet hugs @Queenie you might feel stupid but your far from it! Those people should be ashamed for treating you that way in the first place.
Hugs you not stupid at all. Its over now though tey to remind yourself of that and we are here right behind you. ❤❤❤

In response to: Re: I feel...

QueenieSenior Contributor08 Nov 2017, 3:27 pm AEDT