RE: Darkness surrounds me

Thanks @Former-Member,

I love my quotes!! Have them stuck in places in my room!

How are you going?

@Former-MemberI hope your freind is ok.

It is hard keeping up the "i'm ok" mask. I find the only place I take that mask of is on here and with my psychologist.

I hope for you, there are some safe and comfortable places where you can allow people to see what is behind that mask. I think we all need that at times.

Am I a bad person if I say I hate my mother??

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope she just doesn't understand sometimes how much she hurts me.

Really need to vent it out but not the right time now-have to pick kids up from school🙂

@Faith-and-Hope

So for the last 12 years my parents have lived with my family in a little unit attached to our house. They moved in b/c they lost a lot of money in a bad investment and lost thier house. 2.5 years ago my Dad passed away from a terminal illness. My mum sufferes from depression, is on anti depressents but refuses to see someone other than a GP about it.

She has always been hard to deal with, even growing up, but so much worse since my Dad died. I am at the point where I do not feel comfortable in my own house. I never know if I have done something wrong in her eyes and never know when she is going to tell me off. She thinks she has the right to say whatever she wants to me, but the minute I say something back, I am the worst in the world. And she always waits till I am by myself, she would never say anything in front of the kids or hubby.

She struggles with my Dads death and how he died a lot but wont seek help. And since she lives with me, I am the one that cops all her anger and frustration. She says really nasty things to me, calls me selfish, ungrateful, says I don't care about her and alot worse. Then a day or so later, she will come up and apologise to me and say I'm sorry, its not your fault, I'm just not dealing well with everything.

I haven't told her everything that is going on with me and have asked that she respects my decision and I will tell her when I am ready. Well I will NEVER tell her about the CSA. Then she tells me this afternoon how I have hurt her so much becasue I havent told her everything and that I don;t think about anyone other than myself. Has the nerve to tell me that I don't care about her and don't do anything for her. Doesn't matter that she has lived rent free with us for 12 years. Then says to me she spoke to her freind about me and me not telling her everything and her and her friend agree that I am being selfish. Like WTF. Doesn't matter about what I want, it is always about her. Then says ever since Dad died that she feels that I don't understand what is like for her. Of course I don't understand, I didn't loose a husband, but I did lose a father. ANd then goes on about how I do nothing for her again. At this stage I walked away.

I HATE HER - I know that is wrong but I don;t think she realises the hell she puts me through. There is no point in talking to her, I have tried too many times, and it always end up being my fault.

Some of the things she said to me were so hurtful this afternoon and just set multiple triggers of for me. I didn;t end up picking up the kids, a friend dropped them home for me, becasue I ended up having a panic attack and SH again.

And this is only a small part of what she puts me through. I feel like asking her to leave but I can't becasue she has no where else to live and no money to survive. I don;t know what to do anymore about her. I can't cope with her and everything else that is going on in my life. She wonders why I don' talk to her as much anymore. I feel like a punching bag that she can just keep hitting and hitting and it will keep its shape. I have spoken to the psych about her and it is like dealing with a child. And now I'm crying again. And the things I have written here about what she has said to me, there are so many worse things.

Sorry @Faith-and-Hope, I don't want to dump this on you. I just need to vent out. I don't except you to respond, but thanks for just listening.