RE: Darkness surrounds me

@Former-MemberHi there, I am sorry to hear things are so bad for you. Can you find anything, no matter how small, in your day that makes you feel ok, or good? Do you do anything nice for yourself? Do you have anything to distract yourself from those thoughts? Those dark feelings are difficult; I am struggling with similar issues myself. I am sorry you feel betrayed by those you feel should be helping you. It's not an eaasy road to travel. And it's horrible to have extra stress or bad news piled on top of everything else you are going. Are you on any medication for your anxiety, or can discuss extra prn medication with your pyschaitrist? Even it's just short term, it might help get you through. I am around for a another hour or so before I have sort dinner out. More than happy to listen to you, and I have poor memory right now, so I can hear your stories over and over again.

@Former-Member I don't know if those feelings ever go away - we just learn to live with them a littl better! I have exactly the same feelings and every day is a struggle to keep going. I don't have kids but my fur babies are the centre of my universe. As long as they are fed and happy then that is all that matters.

I had to wait many months to see a psychiatrist and we are all sure that this wait time contributed greatly to how ill I am now. It wasn't just my mental health that suffered but along with that came physical illnesses and ongoing health issues. Ine fed off the other and the result has been I have been physically and emotionally very unwell for some time now - and it will be a very, very long road back if I can continue to bare it!

I definitely do not have any answers (for any of us) but knowing that we can talk and be heard here is the first step in a long battle to be heard and to be helped.

@Former-MemberThe things you are talking about are almost the same that I have been discussing on my thread just a little while ago.Yes, self care must be difficult for you when you have children to take care of; their needs are great. But self care can be the smallest things. Like taking a shower, making a coffee for yourself, and taking time out, even if it's only 5mins. It doesn't have to be a lot. And I think guilt and shame often go hand in hand with mental illness, and are hard to be rid of. Do you feel comfortable sharing more of what you feel guilty and shameful of?

I just feel so lost at the moment and no one to turn to. I've kept my family in the dark and besides my psychologist, have told no one what happened to me when I was younger. And the guilt around that is so over powering.

I struggle to talk to family about all of this, but strangers is easier. Why is that???

And my safety plan is not working anymore, I ended up throwing it out this afternoon

Night times are the worst when everyone else is asleep and there is only me and my thoughts and as much as I try and distract myself it never goes away, I never get relief. Last night was hard and I am dreading tonight even more and don't know how to get through it.

@Former-Member, I am safe at the moment, it is when everyone is asleep that scares me. I was so rattled about what happened the other night with the police that I know I should reach out for help, I just don't know if I could do it again. I do hope if I get to that stage tonight, that I could just pick up the phone and talk to someone. I am just going to try and take it hour by hour tonight. I think that is all I can handle at the moment.

Thanks for the hugs!