RE: Darkness surrounds me

Yes @outlander, and thank you ..... it matters .... ❣️

Pop-ins are great @outlander. We can only do what we can do, and showing empathy for each other means a lot. It doesn’t mean we have answers ..... it means we have heart.

💜

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope Did you see some dolphins???

This is going to be a bit of an essay.

Saw my psychologist today and spoke about a few things but mainly about my safety and my reluctance to reach out for help when I am extremely distressed.

Next Tuesday hubby is going away for 2 weeks. It is a trip he has been organising for about 2 years. It is overseas. Lately I have been very reluctant to tell him how I am doing/feeling/coping because I don't want him to cancel. I don't want to be the reason why he cannot go. I would rather risk my safety than his happiness. Of course if I do something to myself when he is away, then his happiness will be compromised, however I don't think that way. Also if he doesn't go, then he has to explain to the others he is going with why he cannot, and that might mean people find out some things I am going through.

The psych talked about my huge reluctance to reach out for support when I really need it. I am the first to admit I don't. I don't want anyone turning up at my house and I know I willl be even more reluctant when hubby is away. So the question was asked what happens when I am in distress when hubby is away. I don't know the answer to this. I know the right things to say at the time, but when push comes to shove I don't do it.

So I feel stuck. I am trying to put on a front so hubby thinks I am ok so he will go away. Then I need to work out (with the help of the psych) how I am going to cope for two weeks whilst he is away.

Also spoke about SH, SI and my set plans which seem to be on my mind more and more. So I have made an agreement with him that I have to contact my psych every second day or he will ring me and if I dont answer he will ring the authorities to check in on me. I guess it is nice to know someone cares about me.

So I am writing this all down for anyone to read. I am guessing it is going to be a bit of a rocky road coming up. I know there are others on here that don't have anyone else and I should feel lucky that I have a hubby that supports me and also my kiddies. So I should be fine with him going away, shouldn't I? I should be thankful for what I have?

I just don't have the answers I need. Why does this have to be so hard.

@Former-Member Darling NellBell we will all be here for you during the period that your husband is away. It is hard I presume it is work and recreation and since he has been planning it for 2 years it cannot be rescheduled ... makes it all very hard for you and him. I think the plan you have in place of you or him contacting you every second day is great. Keep talking to us during that period dont drift away ... stay strong Nell I know you will be able to do it. Sitting with you always xx

Tahnks @Bunniekins. How did your doctors appt go?