RE: Darkness surrounds me

I don't want this life anymore, I can't do it, I can't control myself any more , I give up, it's not worth going through this

Hi @Former-Member

Moderator here. I'm with you this moring. Will send you an email to check in.

I can't go through with it, I don't care how pissed off he gets at me. How do you tell someone that. Yea it's sunny outside, oh by the way is was .......................... how the hell do you say those words. And what happens if he freaks out afterwards. What happens if he just leaves.

NO, I'll get in my car and leave. But then I let people down if I don't go

i hate this is happening in my life, I hate everything going on, this is not living, this is existing

I had a shower and that didn't help and then I've just had a panic attack, I'm trying to calm down but nothing is working this morning. I can't cope with this crap. i don't want to go today. It will change everything for the worse.

@outlanderNO i can't

I treid to sleep but it didn't work, I had a shower but the panic attack came and then I did something stupid again. I am freacking out, I can't stop shaking, I can't stop crying

I want out

I have been 'watching' from afar over the last couple of hours @Former-Member - feeling your despair and riding the waves with you. I did not have anything to give you that would have helped and that has been heartbreaking Nell.

This is all I have now - today was going to be extremely difficult no matter which way you looked at it. It is a day when what you have held so close to yourself, for so long, is to be revealed. Under circumstances of your making this would have been difficult but being 'thrown' into this position - when you have not been able to prepare yourself or control the circumstances, adds a completely new dimension to how difficult this is.

This is what I know - you survived the intial abuse, you found a way to continue living a life, you have a loving and caring partner - who, by his own admission - is really worried for you, you have been able to 'talk' a little about your 'circumstances' here, and you have also been able to support others here along this journey. You are one strong and courageous lady @Former-Member and I know right now you do not see this and certainly cannot feel it within yourself but I am telling you - as I am sure many others will also - that you are a true inspiration

You will have your psychologist to guide the discussion today - if they need to actually say the words for you then lean on them to lessen the burden on you. It is in no way going to be easy - far from it - but you have the support of us here, of your psychologist and I suspect your husband also.

There is absolutely no shame and no judgement however if it is too much for you today - that is something you need to decide for yourself - you don't need to be 'pushed' into doing something that you are not ready to do - but if you can get through this today then maybe you can start 'sharing' the burden that you have carried on your own for so long with your husband.

Whatever you decide and whatever path you take - I am here with you and letting you know that it is ok to do what you feel you need to do for yourself

yea I can read them back @outlander

Sorry

I said I would stay safe but I didn't

Nothing worked

I am so angry with myself

I want to disappear

@Zoe7please do not feel bad for not saying anything. Just knowing you are there is enough for me. I know I have a lot of support around, I just have to get through this hard part now.