RE: Darkness surrounds me

@Sans911i think whoever told you that you should consdier mental health nursing saw that you have a gift. I am so glad that you are trying to find reasons to live, because you are worth it and you do matter. And in this world, we need more caring souls such as yourself.

I think what you wrote about forgiving that little girl is spot on. It is something my psychologist has spoken to me a number of times about. I am not there at this stage, but I am hoping that one day I can forgive her and show her love and compassion that she deserves.

@Former-Member just jumping back in briefly to leave this link for you for the Blue Knot Foundation www.blueknot.org.au

Thank you @Zoe7, will defiently take a look and give them a call tomorrow

Thought I'd jump back here now that it is a bit quieter @Former-Member

I get how totally petrifying it is going to be for you at the appointment with your husband. I may be completely wrong here but I suspect that he may have some idea of what you are going to disclose to him. I say this from knowing a bit about you. By that I mean - I can imagine that your husband is a caring, intelligent and lovely man because the YOU that I see is also all of those things (not a man though lol). I can imagine in his head he is going through a thousand different thoughts and scenarios at the moment and is genuinely worried about you - which is natural under the circumstances. As difficult as this is for you - he is also in no-man's-land with it all also.

When we don't know what a 'situation' is our mind cannot begin to deal with the multitude of thoughts running around with nowhere concrete to land. Whatever happens tomorrow - your husband will have a place for all that may be going on in his head - to finally settle (however difficult that may be).

I do not believe for one second that this is going to be easy for either of you but I do know that you have a 'soft place to land' here and the support of so many people along the way - and you have your psychologist! Others have said it but I will say it again - you do not need to go into more details than you are willing to share along this part of your 'journey' because you have our support, unconditionally, for as long as you need it, and in whatever way will best help you.

Sitting with you - listening if you need...

Zoe

Thanks @Zoe7, you write with such compassion and honesty. It is such a beautiful gift to have.

I think he is going through a lot of different scenarios and he has said to me that he doesn't have a clue what is happening because I won't talk to him. He has also said that he is not sleeping well, not concentrating at work and worried about me.

In one way I am happy about that (sounds awful I know) because it shows me he cares about me. In another way I feel so sad and guilty becasue I am the one that has put him through this torment and pain.

I only joined this forum about 3 weeks ago and I wish I knew about it months ago. It was only be accident that I came across it. The support and encouragment I have received in the last 3 weeks has been mindblowing. Furthermore, connection with total strangers has been something I didn;t expect. but welcome with open arms. To tell people things and not have to exaplain myself is like a breathe of fresh air and is very comforting. So yes Zoe, I will make sure I utilise the support of people in this forum because I know that here is my 'safe' place

@Former-Member I do not think it is at awful that you feel 'happy' about what your husband is going through because - as you said - it does mean that he loves you, he is worried about you and he truly cares for you. Those are the things that will help you both navigate your way through all of this - and they are indeed beautiful things to feel for each other

I know you feel sad and guilty because you believe you are 'putting him through all this' but the real blame for all this lies with the person who hurt you so deeply - it is not a position you should ever have had to be in - then or now - it is unfair, unjust and completely 100% not your fault. This is the part that 'we' find so hard to believe when every part of us is 'screaming out' for some salvation from the pain. It is so incredibly hard not to blame ourselves even when we know the reality is the complete opposite. It is my hope for you that your husband will be able to help you to feel 'less alone' in all of this 'thinking' and help to restore some of your own self-worth by simple acknowledgement and kindness - I do know that is an over-simplification, and the road ahead is going to be much tougher than that, but it would be a much needed positive step in the right direction

@Zoe7, ahh the whole not my fault and guilt. Yes so hard to overcome as you say. My psychologist has spoken about forgiving my 8 year old self and showing her compassion and love. Something I think we all struggle with when we have gone though CSA. I am not at that point of forgiveness yet, but I am hoping one day I will give that little child the closure she so deserves.

I know tomorrow (opps today) will not be easy and will be probably the hardest thing I have ever done, yet I am hoping that out of all this pain that I will find some light.

As long as this is a two way conversation, how are you going Zoe?

I'm still alive - so that is something lol @Former-Member

I do much better when I don't have to think myself - and 'using my brain for good' lol does help me alot