RE: Darkness surrounds me

@Former-Member - makes perfect sense hun. Yes, it might have helped if you told them, but I understand the fear of admission too. And yes, sometimrs the helplines help; sometimes not. And it's hard to control those urges. They are super, super strong. And maybe this helps or not- but they are thoughts. Horrible, dark, insistent thoughts. But you don't have to act on them

@Former-Member stay with me sweetheart. We'll get through this together. Why do you feel necessary to feel pain though when you're suffering so much already? Is because you want to feel a different kind of pain?

@Former-Member - how long ago did you make your safety plan? Is it time to review and update it?

@Former-Member - it's ok. I understand. Please try not to hate yourself. You're doing the best you can to get through some really awful trauma, and sometimes it's all we can do to forget things when they overwhelm us. I don't hate you, nor judge you for what you do to cope. Because I do the same myself. For different reasons. Sometimes it's about feeling something when I feel nothing. Sometimes it about shutting down thoughts/memories.

I do think you should chat to your pysch about it. Its up to you at the end of the day, but your methods have changed which puts you at increased risk of harm.

I'm not sure if you qualify, but could you chat to your pysch or GP about ATAPS? It's a support service similar to SCBS, however they can regularly check on with you or you can call them. I found when they call me, it reduces my risk because I have someone to talk things over (you get 30mins) and I'm more mindful of staying safe as someone is checking up on me. I think you need some other sort of support system in place to help you.

@Former-Member - have you had someone turn up before when you've called about SH/SI? I think I remember you mentioning it. That's why you need a support service that understands these issues, and will allow you to talk about it without alerting authorities. It's a hard call for some services, as of course they have a duty of care to protect you.

I know you are trying to protect your family, and I can't even begin to imagine how difficult that would be. There's mostly just me to worry about. My house mate is aware of my SH methods and has had police turn up looking for me (when she had no idea that I was missing or at risk). But she knows more than says. And it's hard to keep things from her, because I loose control at times.

Do you keep a journal at all? I find it helps me a little. But I'm ultra protective of hiding it away. Or it comes everywhere with me. I actually hide so well once I couldn't find it for 4 months! There is also online journals you can do with password protection.

Just some thoughts

@Former-Member emailing him sounds like a sensible idea.

How are you doing/feeling now? How you calmed a little?

Im not going anywhere until you tell me to go. I like be here for you. It's so difficult to be in the space you're in. I just don't want to feel all alone.