RE: Darkness surrounds me

I know it's so hard to sit amongst the nightmares @Former-Member .... and keep working through this zone where nothing seems worth it .... but it will be so worth it to your kids, and your husband, later .... if you can just keep pushing through.

Someone I love dearly here is in that place, and has been for some time, and it's heartbreaking, but holding to hope has seen others come through it .... and when they couldn't find the strength to hold to hope, others did for them.

My personal situation is a marathon .... and as you feel so helpless amidst the pain and nightmares, that helpless feeling pervades my situation .... watching the love of my life become someone else under the influence of his illness, unbeknowns to him .... and how it is impacting our whole family dynamic, and everyone's mental health. Until we receive a diagnosis and treatment, that's the way it is, and that feeling of helplessness is debilitating.

I have found solace here on the forums .... there are so many people here who continue share their days with me while I wait for our wheels to turn, and I have become very close to some .... but as you have seen, it doesn't always go smoothly, and there is pain in trying to work things out again here too.

But the relationships are worth the pain of misunderstandings .... I wouldn't want to be without them .... and it's often magnified by the personal pain loading that each of us bears. We can only do what we can do, and hope that it is enough.

It's part of looking after myself to be here, if that makes sense.

Thanks for asking ..... 🌷💕

I am glad @Faith-and-Hope that you have found solace here. You have a beautiful soul that seems to flourish on here💗And must be a great support for that special person in your life.

Ive promised myself I am not going to let this beat me, even though it almost does some days, so I will continue to take baby steps in this fight to live again💕💕

Wtg @Former-Member .... I am so glad to hear it .... ❣️

And I am so glad you have found the forums to help you through the worst times.

There are some very special people here.

💜💐💕

It's just not letting me breathe today. Another one down, how many more can there be until I say I quit. I don't understand why my brain is doing this to me. I feel like I am being punished for something. Enough is enough.

Hi @Sans911 had a really bad night. Had some flashbacks but they were new memories which rattled me a lot. Ended up in panic attack mode, SH during the night again, rang life line, no good, rang SCBC, they helped with the SI.

Then just had another panic attack before and now got SH and SI back on my mind. I just don't know why all of a sudden it's gotten worse (well maybe because my psych is still away). I just feel like it is one hit after another. Like my brain is punishing me and putting me through hell. I feel like a yo-yo, so up and down all the time.

Enough about me, how are you today @Sans911?

@Sans911 That's not good if you had to sleep in your car even if you did get a good nights sleep. Is there anyway you can change rooms at all? You don't want to be sleeping in your car all the time. I am glad you are back in bed however. From what you have posted on here I know you have had some rough days there. I hope with time it gets a bit easier for you.

I am anxious about my therapist being away. I normally email them in between sessions but I haven't because I haven't wanted to annoy them whilst they are on holidays. Holidays are meant to get away from work, not read miserable stuff from me! I think that's why I have been writing stuff on here more than I would if my psych was around. Maybe I should try and write it to myself than on here all the time.

I just want to quit life at the moment. I know I'll try and keep fighting for my kids. I don't want the SI to win, but crap it's getting harder and harder to fight against it.

@Sans911 I guess I could email them, just didn't want to annoy them! It does help writing things on here. I think the mods freak out every time I talk about my SH and SI but I know they are just concerned, and it is comforting knowing they are there when I need them.

I try not to tag anyone on here when I am writing my thoughts. I guess I don't want people to feel the need to respond to me if that makes sense. I figure others have enough on their plate without having to deal with my crap. It's nice when people reach out to support you but it's not why I write on here.

I think it's got something to do with my self worth to. I don't want people to worry about me because I don't feel like I am worth it.

I am glad the lady is going home tomorrow, hopefully no more car trips for you!