RE: Darkness surrounds me

@Faith-and-Hope I am just so tired and drained of feeling like this, I just want to put an end to it all. I’ve spoken to SCBS but they just say the same thing now and to keep trying. What do they think I’ve been doing every minute of the day. Every minute is consumed with trying and I’m so tired of trying.

Thanks @Faith-and-Hope I will try and let the GP know, but I know what they will say and I don't want to go there, but if I am truthful, I don't think I will have a choice and that scares me.

@Sans911it is always so easy to give advice out rather than take it ourselves but I do hear you. And even though our life experiences may be a bit different I know you and a lot of others do understand that pain and despair. But when we get to the point where we say I've had enough, what then? Okay we keep fighting but with what. I've got nothing left to fight with. The hope, the light, the dreams, the future just seems to be vanishing each day and then we are left with nothing. And I know I have my hubbby and children, but sometimes even they are not enough for that hope to continue.

And yes you don't know me personally, and nor I know you, but you are one of the strongest people on here, even if you don't realise that. Have a productive time at the respite centre.

Hi @Former-Member,

I can very much hear how unbelievably difficult things are for you right now. I can very much relate to what you said about how do we keep fighting when we have nothing left to fight with. I can hear you wondering how we keep going when the hopes and dreams for the future seem to be vanishing. For me, the way I keep going is that I try to stay in the "right now." That is, I try (with varying degrees of success on different days!!!) to focus on the right here, right now. Right now it is a super sunny day and I am sitting in my quiet house. Everything is ok right now. I know it won't always be ok. An email, a knock at the door, a phone call, can send my world into utter chaos in the blink of an eye. But RIGHT NOW everything is ok and right now is all I need to deal with.

You mentioned that if you are honest with your GP, you fear what may happen. I am kind-of gathering that you fear you will be admitted to hospital, possibly involuntarily. Is that right? What are your fears around that? Some people find a hospital admission super helpful.

I'm going to be jumping out of Forum Land in a minute but I wanted to let you know that I am sitting with you in the darkness.

@Phoenix_Risingthanks for replying. I am just trying minute by minute and just trying not to give in too all the thoughts in my head.

Yes, I am talking about hospital. My fears are that my hubby will realise how bad I am, my children will ask questions I do not want to answer and I will be judged by my family and friends and will be ashamed that it has come to that point. Yes, I do realise how "silly" they sound, but still cannot help feeling this way. 😢

@Former-Member Your fears don't sound silly. The horrible reality is that there is still stigma around mental health issues. There shouldn't be and it super sucks that there is, but we can't pretend it doesn't exist. I know there is nothing I can say to ease those fears.

Your comments did make something pop into my brain though. Like most people, I find physical examinations for physical issues icky. However, whenever I need to do something like that and all those feelings of embarressment etc. well up such that I super don't want to go through with a procedure, I tell myself that dealing with a bit of embarressment and ickyness is better than dying. I'm pretty sure no one has ever actually died from embarressment - or shame. Those feelings super super super suck, but they aren't fatal, whereas sometimes not doing what we need to in order to address a health issue, be it physical or mental, can be. And even though being dead can seem very appealing at times, it is also an extremely permanent solution to what are usually temporary problems. I know that right now the future looks utterly hopeless to you. However, it MAY not be, and the only way to find out whether it is or not is to stick around.

And now I am REALLY jumping out of Forum Land for a little while.

@Faith-and-Hopethanks for your reply. I do hope that in time with your support, your husband can get the help he deserve, even though he may not be forthcoming himself.

@Phoenix_Risingunfortunately you are right and there is still stigma around mental helath issues and it does super suck. Maybe thats why I have kept my MI from so many people and am losing touch with friends I once was close too. I can see where you are coming from, and do agree that if it was a physical aliment I would be seeking treatment straight away, yet it is so different with mental issues. I guess that shame and embarassment plays an enormous part in how I view myself.