RE: Darkness surrounds me

Always welcome @Former-Member ..... pass it forward when you feel able to ..... ❣️

Another long drawn out night that just seems to take hours to pass. Slept on and off I think but thoughts of SH and SI were rampant last night.

I thought the meds were meant to help, maybe I just need to give them time.

I feel like I am sinking into a black hole with no way out. My whole life revolves around this and the light is being extinguished. It is so exhausting trying to deal with it day in and day out. My reason for living is my family, yet overwhelming thoughts cloud my judgement and then I can't see any reason to continue.

So another day is here and I guess I will try and put on that 'happy smile', tell people 'I'm fine' and take things minute by minute because that is all I can handle at the moment.

Thanks @Sans911 it is much easier to express those feelings when I know there is people around here that understand and from reading some of your posts, I sometimes feel like you are reading my mind when you write. I've been trying not to give in to the SH, sometimes I succeed, sometimes it's all too much. But I will keep fighting and keep reaching out because I don't want this life. I don't want the nightmares, the flashbacks, the powerless feeling that seems to override all the good I have in my life.

I hope you have had a good sleep and that you are feeling a bit more settled today. I am in awe of you, of how you have made this courageous journey and given yourself the opportunity to once again see the light and lead the life you deserve. And I am going to steal your line, "you matter so much in this world too" ❤️❤️❤️

I feel relieved that I know I am not alone in this @Sans911 but I also feel distraught that you have to go through what you are going through.

I am so glad that you have not given into the SH/SI and that you have decided that you cannot continue the way you were. Professionals can suggest treatments/hospital etc, but I think that unless we decide that we want a better life for ourselves, than nothing changes. So yes, I think you are extremely courageous for having the courage to step outside your comfort zone and tackle this head on💕💕💕

So today has been a hard day and I don't know why. I have spent most of my time in my 'happy place' because I didn't feel safe otherwise. I sent hubby and the kids out to a friends house that I was meant to go to also. I could just not handle talking fac to face to people today. It seemed like such an exhausting thing to do today.

My anxiety has been through the roof and have struggled to calm myself down and ended up having a panic attack over a bloody stupid ad on tv.

My SH and SI are high tonight and I am still not sure if I will be able to control them. I don't want to contact the MHT because I know they will send me to hospital and I don't want to go.

Days and nights seem to roll into one and starting to lose track of what day it is. That darkness is all to consuming at the moment and tonight I am struggling to see that glimmer of light.

hi @Former-Member please stay safe tonight, if you don't think you can then it is important you contact your MHT or suicide call back service as you are important. Dont forget to refer to your safety plan and remember you have been through this before as you are very resiliant as you have managed to get through it before.

Thanks @jazz,

I've been using my safety plan for about the last 2 hours now. Not working but will keep trying I guess. The panic attack took a lot out of me so I am hoping I can sleep a bit if I can control the SI and SH tonight.

@Former-Member great