RE: Darkness surrounds me

They have given me ones @outlander that will take awhile to work. They have also given me others that are meant to help straight away. Those ones are not working.

We can keep each other company💗💗💗

They are the ones that are meant to have an immediate affect that are not working @Faith-and-Hope

ahh the prns @Former-Member they dont work on me either.

we can keep each other company and distracted and ok

I have so many different emotions running through my head right now. Everybody else is asleep and it is once again just me and my thoughts. And this is the time I feel the most dangerous. It's the time when I try and take it minute by minute.

The meds I was given are not working. They are meant to calm me down. They are doing nothing which makes me just more frustrated and increases my SI and SH urges. I feel like a ticking time bomb ready to explode and I get scared at what that would look like when it happens. Last night, I think I got close to that ticking time bomb.

And no one in my life understands. They think I am just seeking attention, being selfish and think I am just going to magically get over it.

They do not understand the struggle I have everyday with myself. The don't know what deamons look like, what I went through as a child. How could they, I never told, I was silenced for so long. I look at my children and try and keep going but at the end of the day, I think they would be better of without me.

So tonight as I sit here trying so hard not to do anything stupid, the flashbacks relentless as always, the tightness creeping across my chest, the panic setting it, I really do wonder if it's worth it. And right now, I am not sure if it's good bye or see you tomorrow.

I do not expect people to respond to this. I am used to having to deal with this alone. It is a way to try and understand myself. Sorry if it triggers anyone.

They say they want to help, they will be there for you, but they are not. At the end of the day it's too hard for them. And do I blame them, no. I wouldn't want to be around me either. I just don't want to fight with myself anymore.

Hi @Former-Member

I sent you an email before, not sure if you got it?

Checking in to see how you are coping right now, and letting you know that there are plenty of helplines to talk to. Or could you wake someone up at home and tell them how you are feeling?

If not, you are welcome to keep emailing me tonight, we can talk about other things?

Take care

Zahlia

Thanks @Zahlia, I emailed you back

Here and listening to you @Former-Member ..... you matter .... you are valued, despite what those formative experiences left you with, and here you will see that .... we do want to know how you feel .... we absolutely care.

There is a lot here that doesn't need to be said if you don't want to say it, or can't find the words, or are restricted by the guidelines. There is a sense of knowing, of understanding that goes beyond the page ....

Sending you gentle hugs .... and lots of them .... as I sit here with you in this moment.

💜💐💕💜💐💕💜

You have such a way with words @Faith-and-Hope. You truely have a gift that from the short time I have been on this forum, you seem to leave you wise words of wisdom with many different people. That is such a lovely gift to give when you would be dealing with your own life and its struggles.

The deapth of despair I have at the moment becasue of the things I have expereinced in my life seems all to consuming. And it's at this stage where you start to question, I guess, life. I start to think is it worth it, a bit like I did last night. How can one word "suicide" bring up so many mixed emotions in one person. To me it is freedom from the nightmares and flashback but on the other hand it means sorrow, heartbreak - that my children would have to suffer.

I do find it is easier to express myself on here. I don't have to explain and there is no judgment.

Thanks for the hugs and for listening

Anytime @Former-Member ..... and if Minot me, then one of my many forum sisters / brothers .... so. Any beautiful spirits here honed by challenging life experiences ....

Go gently with you .... 💜