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RE: Darkness surrounds me
6693 replies
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member .... 💜💕
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member Hi hun. I'm back. I'm ok. I just had to see my case manager & had to wait a long time as she had gone out. I need to stop SH, it's not good for me, so that's what it was about as I overreacted over something quite minor. I'm still struggling a bit with all, but I'm better than earlier on.
What's going on with you?
What's going on with you?
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Sans911glad you are sort of ok. Are you safe now? Did you want to talk about it at all? I don't think we overreact. I just think we are probably more sensitive to situations.
Meds just are not working, think I need to take double to get to sleep. Just over feeling like crap. I just can't get the images out of my head. They just won't go what ever I do. I am so over my life at the moment. I just feel like quitting everything.
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member I don't want to talk about it. I want to put it behind me. I am safe thanks.
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. And I definitely understand the wanting to quit; I used those same words several times in the last week. Is there anything that can distract you from your thoughts or images?
I'm sorry to hear you're struggling. And I definitely understand the wanting to quit; I used those same words several times in the last week. Is there anything that can distract you from your thoughts or images?
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
thats fine @Sans911
I really don't know what I can do. Monday rattled me so much. Everything is triggering me and I just need sleep. I havent slept since Monday night and then that wasn't much sleep. And then today it was the same stupid things. I think I am just going to have to take more meds and hope it works.
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member - sweetheart, I really think you need to ease up on yourself. It's barely been 24hours since that incident, and it's going to take some time to come down from that and feel ok again. More than a day anyway. I'm not going to preach because it's your life, but please be careful if your upping sleeping tablets as you can become tolerant to them very quickly. I know only too well. Would it help to maybe ring SCBS tonight & maybe Blue Knot tommorow? Sometimes just talking it out over and over can get it out of your system. Or you can tell me, if you feel comfortable about it.
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Sans911 I hope this doesn't trigger you, I'm sorry if it does
Hubby is asking me why I left early. I said because of my anxiety but he said u have never been that bad. I think he knows something else is going on. He asked me tonight if I wanted to commit suicide and I couldn't say no or yes to him. I feel like a rotten selfish person. And I cannot get the image of his fkn face out of my mind from Monday. It is like it is etched in there eating away at my soul. And the flashbacks swap between him saying hello to me on mon and some of the worst incidents from when I was young. And I don't know how to make them stop. I feel like I have let him win all over again and I hate myself for it. And I've gotten to the stage where I can't cry anymore, I just feel numb.
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member - I know it's really hard, and I can't tell you what to say to your husband, but I think he realises your really struggling with something big, and hurting a lot. What does your heart want to say to him if you told him you are suicidal? What do you think his reaction might be? It's not selfish to be suicidal hun. It's a point we reach when we are so overwhelmed with pain that we can see no way out. And while we don't want to hurt those we love the most, our pain supersedes sometimes the capacity to love them.
You haven't let this person win; but I understand why you would feel that way. Remember you are a victim and a survivor. You aren't to blame for what happened. You were 9years old, he took advantage of your trust. You don't know if he was possibly scared yesterday that you might have told someone about him, so perhaps turn it around to that way of thinking. He may be worried you'll report to the police, and he stands to loose his career, reputation and respect. Even if you don't, he may be worried about that.
I really, really think you need to talk this out with professionals though. And tonight. And keep calling every hour or so until things feel easier. I'm here for now as long as I can be, but I'm very worried for you fragility and safety. Are you safe right now?
You haven't let this person win; but I understand why you would feel that way. Remember you are a victim and a survivor. You aren't to blame for what happened. You were 9years old, he took advantage of your trust. You don't know if he was possibly scared yesterday that you might have told someone about him, so perhaps turn it around to that way of thinking. He may be worried you'll report to the police, and he stands to loose his career, reputation and respect. Even if you don't, he may be worried about that.
I really, really think you need to talk this out with professionals though. And tonight. And keep calling every hour or so until things feel easier. I'm here for now as long as I can be, but I'm very worried for you fragility and safety. Are you safe right now?
In response to: Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Unknown userMember
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
I think I am safe from SI but not really from SH. It has settled down however from earlier. I guess I think he would be angry at me if I told him that I could easily end it right now. He would probably ring someone. I always thought the love I have for my kids and hubby were enough to see my through, now I am not sure.
I can contact SCBC and chat to someone there. They have my history there.
In response to: RE: Darkness surrounds me
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: RE: Darkness surrounds me
@Former-Member - I think that's a really good idea to call SCBC. Perhaps they can help you with how to talk your husband; to put the words in a way that are comfortable for you and help him to understand. You don't have to necessarily tell him your suicidal but perhaps it would help to understand that you are super struggling with some past issues that are coming up for you & that these things make you feel sad & in a lot of emotional pain. See what the helpline suggests. I lot of people misundersand what suicidal feelings are. I'll wait up until you come back from the call
