fear of failing

I think there a people trying to help you.
I think you would do better to accept their help. That's all.

I am sorry to hear the way you are feeling too @MDT ..... I hope the graduate program is offered to you, but I also hope your feelings will have changed by then anyway.

Take care. You are valued here ....

@MDT I'm sorry that you see yourself in such a low and dark place. I hear on one hand some hope for change by doing a postgraduate study, but fear or resistance to change on the other. Have you really tried everything? I don't know that much about you, but from I do you you have social anxiety & depression, right? Are there any other diagnoses that you have? What other things have you tried? Any therapies, medications, coping strategies?

I won't disagree with you that change is hard, really hard. And I think that possibly you do care that others will stick by you, care for you, encourage you and stay with you through the toughest times. It's hard to find people that don't judge you no matter what happens.

Do you have any close friends that you can share your troubles with? That respect you and value you? I hope you have at least one. You know depression will feed into your darkest feelings, and it will lie to you over & over, until you totally buy into the hate and negativity. It's hard to ignore its persistent voice, but sometimes you have to in order to move forward.

@TAB I see what you mean
But I just feel like they might be wasting their time is all

@Faith-and-Hope thanks
@Sans911 yeh i do have people i share things with but i am sick of burdening them and they don't know what to say... if i say anything else then i will drive them away.. feels like people already have ffs.. 😕
I try anything.. it's insanely annoying and driving me crazy
It feels like I have to eradicate it in order to get anywhere in life or else i'll just be a shriveling mess..

Ah ok. Well wait til you are ready then maybe @MDT .. in the meantime no one is helping you because you are really looking for something you are not asking for. and your negative self assessment builds .. is that what you want? .. maybe it is. I can't buy into giving unwanted advice/hints anymore sorry. I have been where you are or seem to be a long time ago. You are doing a lot better than a lot of other people your age so please don't keep trying to put yourself down maybe.

thanks for your help @TAB I do appreciate it.. always remember that

Please get/accept help @MDT
Just a thought.. why would you seek help when you dont want it? A counsellors bane maybe.. only you can work that out.
as said I'm bowing out. I volunteered in.
I have had lots of help from different sources over the years. Usually only after asked for it. Accepting that not just turning up might be the answer. I once had a counsellor we seemed to be feeding off each other in a good way then they dropped the ' being your father' bomb .. sometimes a 'jolt' can work too. Of course I mulled on it. Did seeing them help my life overall? Yes! Did some seem useless? Yes! Am I totally together 20yrs down the track? No ! Do I listen to own neg stuff less tho? Yes ! Have I become more accepting and learnt to deal with S in own ways .. not always how I want, but .. Yes !!

i see my psych on wednesday @TAB so that will help
group support tomorrow which will probably help too
idk though... its dark... very dark

i dont want to turn you all away because this forum is all i have at the moment