MDTSenior Contributor
sick of this sh*t
wasting my time is something i am really good at
i hate myself
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sick of this sh*t
235 replies
In response to: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
thanks @Former-Member
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
Unknown userMember
Re: sick of this sh*t
HI @MDT sounds like a really hard day. When im low the talk in my head is like that.. that everything and everyone thinks horrible things about me, that im awful/waste of space... but when it lifts a bit i find that its not as bad as the depression would have had me believe.. but its hard in the moment to see it... focus on just today/the next hour etc and what ever is most important right now.. and keep writing here if it helps, helplines etc, what ever it takes to help you get through...
take care
take care
In response to: sick of this sh*t
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@MDTI am sorry you are having a really tough times of life lately. It's sounds like you are realy scared of what may not eventuate, but you really don't know yet do you? All this worry is just making your anxiety and depression worse. Sometimes, all you can do is take one step, one day at a time. I know, way easier to say than to do, and I am at the other end of the spectrum from you, where I wonder if I have anything left to give after more than 20years as a nurse. Just focus on doing the best you can, you can't control exactly how things are going to work out. Try to network and put feelers out now, if you are not doing already, to givee yourself other options if the graduate offer doesn't pan out. I really wish you all the very best, whatever happens.Take care of yourself.
In response to: sick of this sh*t
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
Hi @MDT .....
I'm sorry you are feeling so unsettled at the moment.
Can I tell you something ? My kids range in age from 19 to 29yo, with only one more to cross the age zone you're in .....
You have actually achieved more in your studies than my younger two ...... and I have a DIL who took three years gap between school and uni studies .... changed her mind three times, turned one course into a shorter degree instead, then studied elesewhere in the field, and has started back into the course she was doing before ...... and the degree will be accredited towards that.
I know other adults your age who have never gone on to uni studies and just want to work manual jobs ..... or they have a degree and don't want to work in the field, just taking manual jobs to get by ...... and they are fine with that at this stage in their life.
It might feel, if you are comparing with others around you who have done the networking n stuff that you haven't made the grade, but you don't have to achieve the same way, and you can take time to work in other fields just for the hellofit and for the $ ..... so you're moving past that stage of being financially dependent on your parents while you study.
You're saying that you hate the way you look ..... I am guessing you have thought about walking into a hairdresser and asking for a radical new hairstyle ? And walking into a jeans shop and trying in all sorts of stuff that you would never buy in a pink fit, and seeing how it makes you feel ?
I don't know if any of these suggestions are workable for you, but if you're open to suggestions, maybe others here can give you some new leads.
Do you have any hobbies ? Can you check out clubs to do with that ? Or join a walking group, or one of those exercise in the park thingies that spring up here and there.
Maybe go to a gym, without any intention to join, and let them give you the walk-through, just to check it out ?
Remember that nobody actually knows your circumstances, so you get the chance to try on some new "hats" and see how they feel for you.
Take care ..... thinking of you ......
I'm sorry you are feeling so unsettled at the moment.
Can I tell you something ? My kids range in age from 19 to 29yo, with only one more to cross the age zone you're in .....
You have actually achieved more in your studies than my younger two ...... and I have a DIL who took three years gap between school and uni studies .... changed her mind three times, turned one course into a shorter degree instead, then studied elesewhere in the field, and has started back into the course she was doing before ...... and the degree will be accredited towards that.
I know other adults your age who have never gone on to uni studies and just want to work manual jobs ..... or they have a degree and don't want to work in the field, just taking manual jobs to get by ...... and they are fine with that at this stage in their life.
It might feel, if you are comparing with others around you who have done the networking n stuff that you haven't made the grade, but you don't have to achieve the same way, and you can take time to work in other fields just for the hellofit and for the $ ..... so you're moving past that stage of being financially dependent on your parents while you study.
You're saying that you hate the way you look ..... I am guessing you have thought about walking into a hairdresser and asking for a radical new hairstyle ? And walking into a jeans shop and trying in all sorts of stuff that you would never buy in a pink fit, and seeing how it makes you feel ?
I don't know if any of these suggestions are workable for you, but if you're open to suggestions, maybe others here can give you some new leads.
Do you have any hobbies ? Can you check out clubs to do with that ? Or join a walking group, or one of those exercise in the park thingies that spring up here and there.
Maybe go to a gym, without any intention to join, and let them give you the walk-through, just to check it out ?
Remember that nobody actually knows your circumstances, so you get the chance to try on some new "hats" and see how they feel for you.
Take care ..... thinking of you ......
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@Sans911 thanks
I am trying hard to think better about myself and use all the things i have but its hard... i keep finding reasons as to why i suck at life.
Lunch was okay.
Started crying a bit in the car. Luckily no one saw. I hate having nothing to do with my life and i wish i wasnt depressed and anxious or esle i could be doing so much more with my life. I am trying but I can't shake it.
A lot of people have no understanding.
I keep having horrible visions about where i will end up in my life.
Every day i am depressed and i hate it so much.
I want to be able to enjoy my life but i cant...
I have tried having a nap this arvo but my mind wont shut up and leave me be.
I am in a panic about what i should do... im always on edge and i cant take it.
I am really lost atm.
I keep feeling like the biggest loser/social outcast ever..
I am trying hard to think better about myself and use all the things i have but its hard... i keep finding reasons as to why i suck at life.
Lunch was okay.
Started crying a bit in the car. Luckily no one saw. I hate having nothing to do with my life and i wish i wasnt depressed and anxious or esle i could be doing so much more with my life. I am trying but I can't shake it.
A lot of people have no understanding.
I keep having horrible visions about where i will end up in my life.
Every day i am depressed and i hate it so much.
I want to be able to enjoy my life but i cant...
I have tried having a nap this arvo but my mind wont shut up and leave me be.
I am in a panic about what i should do... im always on edge and i cant take it.
I am really lost atm.
I keep feeling like the biggest loser/social outcast ever..
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
Please remember that they are "only thoughts" @MDT.
Sometimes our mind can chatter on like that in the background .... a bit like technology feed I guess.... and with a bit of practice you may be able to disengage from it ..... let it run but don't buy in to what it is saying, like its you fears channel or something ..... and tell yourself, "Okay, that is what my fears are saying but I don't have to listen ...." and find something to distract yourself with.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
I really really really don't know what to do....
I have no idea at all...
I have no money
I have no aims...
I am just scared..
I am trying to socialise more but i cant keep pushing myself...i have no confidence in myself because the only confidence i have is an act..
I am just stuck..
The worst part is that only i can be the one to make any changes but im too afraid to... because i hate failing... its a reminder of how pathetic i have become..
I am going to become a laughing stock of everyone... and i probably already am..
My current situation is as follows:
- part time student about to graduate at end of year with BA in government and international relations
- working casually as a tutor
- live at home
- fairly mundane and lacking social life
- have absolutely no money at all..
- spend most of my time trying to distract myself from depressive thoughts and anxiety
In terms of my options next year
- take up graduate role.. of which i have only got 1 left..
- start a TESOL course and work as a teacher of english for second language speakers (not even using my degree...)
- or take up an opportunity working as a teacher overseas in korea or similar teaching english with a company
- work in politics (family connections, but failed my recent interview)
- working holiday visa overseas somewhere
... i have ideas but my anxiety holds me back so much.. people say i am a great person and some haave complimented me on my looks, personality and friendliness... but it goes to waste when i cant even bring myself to function normally in everyday society and it is why i think so badly of myself..
Right now though i am struggling to make ends meet.. like a lot..
I am trying to go to meetup groups but they cost money and also mean i have to have confidence in myself.. but i cant when i am still reliant on my parents for money for basic things...
I hate being an outsider and feeling like i am missing out on what everyone else does.. i cant take it.. yet i feel like i am just gonna spiral down into nothingness..
Help....
In response to: sick of this sh*t
Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
If you go to your go @MDT they can create a mental health plan and book you into a psychologist for several sessions without cost. I haven't done this, but there are others on the forums here who have and who could tell you more about it. It sounds like you can use some additional support in the self-confidence department, and they can help.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
I have gone through 4 psychs @Faith-and-Hope and i see a psychiatrist too..
I take meds as well
Im embarrassed to be honest about it all...
I take meds as well
Im embarrassed to be honest about it all...
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
CatrionaBSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
It sounds like you’re got a lot going on @MDT, and I’m glad you’re sharing your thoughts and feeling with us.
I can see money is a problem but you’re doing some awesome things, such as your BA and TESOL course. You should be proud of yourself for working towards these goals.
@fa is wise, it sounds like some additional support would assist with your current thoughts and feeling.
Embarrassment is understandable, but it’s also really brave to get the help you deserve.
