sick of this sh*t

i hate this so much

@outlander
thanks for your help again 🙂
Today i am just focusing on what I have to do for uni.
I have group support starting tomorrow and then I have tutoring to do.
Distractions may help. But they won't eradicate the lonesomeness..

i am over worrying aboutvwhat others think and feel... because i have been doing this for my whole life..

its gotten me nowhere

i mean it when i say i will end it all if nothing happens next year

its too late for anything to change.. so this is my last hope

my youth is gone and i wont get it back..

there is too much darkness i have to combat everyday and its a drag.. i will be alone forever and i turn 24 next week.. i dont want to turn 24..

i want to get into a graduate program because that will help with everything

self improvement bores me because i cant change... ive tried it all...

i dont see any worth in things and this is why i will end it if i dont get a graduate offer at the end of the year... its simple really

i know you probably dont want to hear it. but i dont care what people think anymore because thryv abandoned me already and i havent done anything..

ive screwed myself over and there is very little i can do to change it...

rant from another page..

My younger sister relies on me way too much. She should have her damn licence by now but mum is way too protective over her. More protective over her than she ever was for me. At least my dad sympathises with my case a bit... but then he has his own approach to lots of things. Often he forgets that what I deal with prevents me from actively pursuing my goals.. like he gives me great opportunities but i struggle immensely to take them and if i do (like last week) there is always the risk of butchering them.
Mum sometimes doesn't even think about what she says when I try to talk to her about my stuff.. she mouths platitudes that are basically meaningless drivel... about how I am in a period of transition between uni and work... about how I am managing better than I think i am (which could possibly be true idk..)
and my sister constantly nags me about silly mundane stuff then gets majorly offended when i dont listen.. she plays the victim a lot.
Whereas I am the one who bloody well went to hospital because i felt suicidal. I'm the one who feels like killing myself way too often. Whenever I try to talk about it with the 3 of them it's just met with rage and tears and then turns into a pathetic argument.
My resolution is to just get on with whatever I have to.
I'm lucky enough to have 2 or 3 supportive and understanding friends. But I can't burden them too much (Especially considering one of them has SH'd in the past and deals with depression).
I guess starting up group therapy was really good timing for me. But like you, I could only do it at the right time.
I purposely don't tell the group therapy about my SI (rules against it anyway) but they say dont come if you feel really bad. But then again I'm getting individual therapy anyway so group therapy isn't a substitute.
I agree with @Former-Member because of the model they use in hospital... I don't go to the hospital because they just think "oh yeh he is at uni and is working a bit so THEREFORE he is TOTALLY FINE BY COMPARISON" which infuriates me but then I understand that there are people who are worse off than I am.
I've only been in hospital once for 1 night because they didn't want me there. It didn't help being there.. but my SI still hangs about.

What was your degree in @MDT?

@Former-Member I do a bachelor of arts majoring in government and international relations. A very broad but interesting area. It's filled with intellectual snobbery. But I enjoy learning about what's going on in the world.

Ahhh so that's why you are so concerned with grad programs.
Can I ask what you want to work as if nothing was a barrier - ie you could do whatever you wanted?

@Former-Member I would want to be the Head of a IGO/NGO or create my own political affairs thinktank. Or go into politics... Or do something that leads to bettering other people's lives. Thats my core goal. I listen/watch a lot of Jordan Peterson's material on Youtube. You might've heard of him. If not, then look it up. Really interesting and worthwhile. Maybe I will work in education at a state level (which is why i wanted that govt program so bad) and then use those skills and experiences in a developing nation in Africa or Latin America.. Or maybe throw all caution to the wind and pack up to move overseas... Get some real world experience and then come back home and share that knowledge and experience. The problem is articulating a pathway into that sort of career. Financially it's costly. There are many paths I guess. So I don't really know what it is I want? If that makes sense. Just a rough idea.

It totally makes sense. One of the paths I am thinking of following is international public health working os with an ngo.
So I think I have the same kinda 'nebulous' plan in my head that you do.
I guess why I was asking is that whilst grad plans can be a great foot in the door, it's not the end of the world if you don't get one. I didn't get one and was working in the exact same position as a friend who did get one 5 years later (this was in (federal government). And my most recent position was ahead of people who actually had the masters that I'm currently studying for due to the skills I had developed in the intervening years.
So yeah, I guess, don't stress if you don't get the grad program you want, it doesn't make much of a difference 10 years down the track. It's how you perform at work that matters in the end.
I also find your career leads you to the path you take if that makes sense?
If you don't get a grad program I'd recommend getting a job in admin with govment, or an ngo - it will stand you in good stead to get a 'graduate role' after. AND HERE IS THE BIGGEST SECRET THEY WON'T TELL YOU!!!
Most grad positions in government start you off doing admin anyway!!!! It's only after the 1st year that you start doing 'meaningful' work so to speak.
One thing you might enjoy that I'm planning on doing when I have some more experience up my sleeve is the DFAT AVID volunteering program.
http://dfat.gov.au/people-to-people/avid/volunteer/Pages/volunteer.aspx
Looking for jobs in NGO's ethical jobs is a good start and there are heaps more.
I think you have heaps of opportunities ahead of you no matter if you get a grad position or not!