MDTSenior Contributor
sick of this sh*t
wasting my time is something i am really good at
i hate myself
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sick of this sh*t
235 replies
In response to: sick of this sh*t
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@MDT Does it bother you that much, or is because you think others will judge you harshly or unfairly? Depression is a nasty monster, telling us Si, so many lies and eventually we become what we believe. I think for whatever reason you are still a virgin it is a beautiful, virtuous thing. To me, it means you care deeply about your sexualising enough to not give it away. I hope someday you find someone who treasures you and your body.
In response to: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@soul indeed. If you are refering to escorts and the like then I won't be doing that (that is if I don't hit 30 and am still a virgin). The companionship is the real problem here. Seeing my mates with partners yes. But then I also question the status of that 'mateship' too - given that people drop off the grid..
You are right - I need to be more comfortable with myself before worrying about fulfilling relationships. To work on this first is paramount - and that takes a long time.
But at the same time I don't know how long it will be until that kicks in.. if it at all will..
You are right - I need to be more comfortable with myself before worrying about fulfilling relationships. To work on this first is paramount - and that takes a long time.
But at the same time I don't know how long it will be until that kicks in.. if it at all will..
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@Sans911 it bothers me on two levels - curiousity and how I am judged.
The first is normal I suppose - everyone is curious about sex. But then I remember the amount of crap I have put myself through and the depression I have... so it's taken my attention tbh.. I can think of 3 or 4 occasions where I tried dating but it kinda just fell in a heap because I wasn't sure of myself (And i was also worried about being perceived as a weirdo.. something that still kicks in and isn't helped by the fact I've had people in the past try to set me up....)
I think the real reason I am a virgin is simple. I haven't met the right girl yet. Rather simple really. But then maybe the reason I haven't met the right girl yet is due to my depression and anxiety getting in the way..... not being able to admit to myself that I have it.. not being able to admit to others that I struggle with it.
Recently I had an experience when I was out with some friends and one came with his new gf and she told me it was a shock that I haven't had a relationship or had sex yet - because i was sociable, tall (apparently that helps) and all these things. I was also able to tell them I was a virgin and that social anxiety did not help the situation. I could do that in this context because it was a new group (if that makes sense). In the old group I was 'with' (not really in, because i was never really friends with them) it was harder.
I think I will find someone who values me for who I am, because I want to value her too. That's just what I believe. I seriously think that this is the new counter-culture.. But anyway.
I'm still alone on friday and saturday nights and have no money... I need to figure out the money thing first because that's fundamentally linked to self-respect and pride... but then I question that too.
Sometimes I feel ugly or gross... but then I think that it's all perception at the end of the day and owning my situation is the key really... I'm a virgin because I chose to be. Simple. I just haven't put myself out there enough in whatever way, which can be hard for an introvert with SA and depression... but it's a learning curve and it's all part of the process I guess.
The first is normal I suppose - everyone is curious about sex. But then I remember the amount of crap I have put myself through and the depression I have... so it's taken my attention tbh.. I can think of 3 or 4 occasions where I tried dating but it kinda just fell in a heap because I wasn't sure of myself (And i was also worried about being perceived as a weirdo.. something that still kicks in and isn't helped by the fact I've had people in the past try to set me up....)
I think the real reason I am a virgin is simple. I haven't met the right girl yet. Rather simple really. But then maybe the reason I haven't met the right girl yet is due to my depression and anxiety getting in the way..... not being able to admit to myself that I have it.. not being able to admit to others that I struggle with it.
Recently I had an experience when I was out with some friends and one came with his new gf and she told me it was a shock that I haven't had a relationship or had sex yet - because i was sociable, tall (apparently that helps) and all these things. I was also able to tell them I was a virgin and that social anxiety did not help the situation. I could do that in this context because it was a new group (if that makes sense). In the old group I was 'with' (not really in, because i was never really friends with them) it was harder.
I think I will find someone who values me for who I am, because I want to value her too. That's just what I believe. I seriously think that this is the new counter-culture.. But anyway.
I'm still alone on friday and saturday nights and have no money... I need to figure out the money thing first because that's fundamentally linked to self-respect and pride... but then I question that too.
Sometimes I feel ugly or gross... but then I think that it's all perception at the end of the day and owning my situation is the key really... I'm a virgin because I chose to be. Simple. I just haven't put myself out there enough in whatever way, which can be hard for an introvert with SA and depression... but it's a learning curve and it's all part of the process I guess.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
@MDTI understand about the curiosity thing, but you know, sex it not always what you expect to be (don't get me wrong; there are times when it's amazing-now you got me blushing lol); like a lot of others things in life. And sometimes even with experience, it can be ackward for the first time with someone new, even if you've had many relationships. You're also dealing with a lot of mental health issues, which are taking up energy, time and can make you unmotivated and isolated. Yet I hear a lot of important values and positivity in your post, and that is worthwhile to hang on to. And no,you are definitely not a weirdo, not in my eyes anyway, and other people are being insensitive and judgmental when they don't even know you very well, even despite them being friends. I believe valuing your own worth and creating meaningful experiences is hugely important.I am sure in time, you will find someone who values align with your own, who respects and cares enough about you to be gentle and kind.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
Hi @MDT
sorry it took me so long to reply.
What your describing is exacly where I am.
I want a relationship but at the same time I really need to work on me first.
I have had sex but it was forced (to me im technically a virgin) and I often wonder what a 'normal' relationship is like and of course I get curious. Its normal esp considering our ages, its a very normal process and it really is nothing to be ashamed of really.
Depression plays havoc with our self esteem and meeting new people. I like your reason of not meeting the right girl yet. Thats is a reasonable thing and depression while it has a major factor doesnt have to be added. You can simply just say 'I havent met the right girl yet' because a girl/woman will love you for your flaws as well if she is the right one.
I remember you saying that youre friends have said that a few times to you just because you have the right looks, they are surprised yes but really they dont know what you deal with everyday either. They see the happy non depressed Hamsolo. We all have a 'mask' that we tend to wear esp with friends and those who dont know your experiences and guess what thats fine not everyone ahs to know everything about you either. Its good not 'live' mental illness all the time.
So next time someone says that to you try to shrug it off and just say that excuse 'I havent met the riht girl yet'. Simple and most people think nothing else of it
I can tell you as someone who has experinced SA, it is bloody hard to trust people. People only have to look at me and it freaks me out esp males.
When I was going through my 'group' were the typical teenagers who were out drinking, some smoked and also had bf with intimate relationships and it frustrated me because to them I was a virgin and tbh I wish I was and had saved myself for the right person to come along as well.
But it is what it is and ultimatley we have to put ourselves first. We first must have to trust ourselves before trusting others, if that makes sense. We have to be comfortable with who we are, be able to make our own independent decsions and be able to live not just struggle but actually live and unfortunatley it takes time.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
soulSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
I think you answered your own question @MDT. Perhaps just needed affirmation. BTW - a man who cooks is a chick magnet 😆. Even more so if he cleans up afterwards.
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
hey @outlander
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's terrible that you went through all those things you've described and thank you so much for sharing it.
I agree, depression does play havoc with our self esteem and meeting new people.
I don't think I love myself enough at this point and maybe this is what is holding me back? I often wonder why this is the case but then I think it is because I simply see so many people around me doing better for themselves and getting places (particularly in the lead up to graduation). Just now I checked facebook and saw 2 people I know post updates about where they were heading in life... I just got majorly depressed because I'm still here.. not progressing.. and then I get even more depressed and annoyed at myself. I don't think I even see the happy non-depressed Hamsolo.. it's just an act that I put on. If I let my true feelings show then people would abandon me altogether.
I'm just so anxious about my life over the next year tbh.. That's taking my attention away from socialising and making new friends and all that sort of stuff. I have no money and I have very little social interaction... so i am very depressed at the moment and I haven't got a temper to handle people's stupid concerns.. making me grumpy and annoyed at everyone.. because I'm just so worried and anxious over next year..
The reality is that I'm not going to be comfortable with who I am UNTIL I know what I am doing next year. Or at the very least, organising stable work that I can start ASAP in order to have a basis to work off of. But even that is very hard.
My degree requires so much god damn networking too... and I can't do that because of my anxiety and depression... so i just feel like a tragic loser who won't get anywhere in life because of his anxiety... a great mind wasted...
On the positive side, I'm trying to build up rapport with one of my lecturers to get him as a reference. Hopefully that helps. I might get some ideas from him actually.. ask him what I should do and where I should go.. actually yeh... might be a good idea for some ideas hey?
Either way... Life is hard at the moment in the lead up to graduation.
My independence won't ever suffer. That is something I value too much.
It's so hard at the moment...
Thanks for your insight though 🙂
Thank you for sharing your experiences. It's terrible that you went through all those things you've described and thank you so much for sharing it.
I agree, depression does play havoc with our self esteem and meeting new people.
I don't think I love myself enough at this point and maybe this is what is holding me back? I often wonder why this is the case but then I think it is because I simply see so many people around me doing better for themselves and getting places (particularly in the lead up to graduation). Just now I checked facebook and saw 2 people I know post updates about where they were heading in life... I just got majorly depressed because I'm still here.. not progressing.. and then I get even more depressed and annoyed at myself. I don't think I even see the happy non-depressed Hamsolo.. it's just an act that I put on. If I let my true feelings show then people would abandon me altogether.
I'm just so anxious about my life over the next year tbh.. That's taking my attention away from socialising and making new friends and all that sort of stuff. I have no money and I have very little social interaction... so i am very depressed at the moment and I haven't got a temper to handle people's stupid concerns.. making me grumpy and annoyed at everyone.. because I'm just so worried and anxious over next year..
The reality is that I'm not going to be comfortable with who I am UNTIL I know what I am doing next year. Or at the very least, organising stable work that I can start ASAP in order to have a basis to work off of. But even that is very hard.
My degree requires so much god damn networking too... and I can't do that because of my anxiety and depression... so i just feel like a tragic loser who won't get anywhere in life because of his anxiety... a great mind wasted...
On the positive side, I'm trying to build up rapport with one of my lecturers to get him as a reference. Hopefully that helps. I might get some ideas from him actually.. ask him what I should do and where I should go.. actually yeh... might be a good idea for some ideas hey?
Either way... Life is hard at the moment in the lead up to graduation.
My independence won't ever suffer. That is something I value too much.
It's so hard at the moment...
Thanks for your insight though 🙂
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
Yeah so I've been told @soul
but it's wasted when you don't get a chance to show it off...
i hate my life..
but it's wasted when you don't get a chance to show it off...
i hate my life..
In response to: Re: sick of this sh*t
soulSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
Your time will come @MDT. Whatcha got on this weekend?
In response to: sick of this sh*t
MDTSenior Contributor
Re: sick of this sh*t
nothing @soul .. like normal
just needed to check a few things..
went to gym this arvo but not for long coz i want to get back to a routine.
the loneliness on weekends is getting to me... feels like i have no hope.. trying to implement strategies but it doesnt work..
just needed to check a few things..
went to gym this arvo but not for long coz i want to get back to a routine.
the loneliness on weekends is getting to me... feels like i have no hope.. trying to implement strategies but it doesnt work..
