loosing the will to go on

My Niqua
I take those too but mine are the non drowsy ones as I need them through the day and its suppose to last 24 hrs as well. Ive gotta leave in a minute to go to my appointment. Im scared Niqua. What if she doesnt help me. What if I get worse because she doesnt help me. She made me realise I wa a mistake the last time I went.
Aww you always make me smile. It means a lot that your here

@Former-Member

@MDTyou being here is enough. I know that even though you dont really know what to say, your being here is enough to show you care.
I am familiar with the mindfullness technique but with my work im suppose to be abit more aware of what im doing as im checking horses and fences and things like that and its important I dont miss something esp when the well being of horses are at stake and the fences so their safety.
So in a way I guess im doing mindfullness by focussing only on those tasks.
Ive just taken on a new job a month ago which is what im doing now and im also studying.
Im going to see the psychologist today and if it doesnt go well I think ill pull out of therapy because I just dont want to change therapists again.

My beautiful Claire

I'm imagining your on your way now, my pride puffs up when I think of your ability to overcome your fears You have every right to them, just facing yourself is scary enough . . . trying to explain what you see to another is terrifying! If she doesn't help you I feel confident you will know and not return; and continue your search for someone that can. She is providing a service to you though, I'm pretty sure she wouldn't want to fail in doing so {even if it's just because she doesn't want to harm her professional reputation}. If you get worse because she can't help you, it is nobodies fault - that will just be the way you react to each other - and again I believe you will know and not return, and continue the search for a suitable Doctor.

You are not a mistake, if you are then we all are - I happen to think the Human Race is a mistake! . . . that means she's one too!

Can't tell you how happy it's made me, to know you've smiled. I'll be here for a little while if you need some distraction in the waiting room.

Love you @outlander

@Former-Member@MDT@B45@Queenie

I went to my psychologist today. I was there for 3 hrs!!!!
I am feeling really drained.

I was so nervous. I forgot to talk about the comparison thing.
Shes helping me get myself ready for the full week of responsibility inlcuding having the kids 24/7 through the school holidays while my mother and her bf go on holiday.
Shes trying to help me get my mother to actually get back into the mother roll rather than me being a mum,dad, sister brother and everything else in between.

I want to be a sister not a mother and right now thats not happening. I have to speak to my mother about that and how I wont cope being left like that and im worried ill end up in hospital. She said that if it goes pear shaped and im not coping and it turns into an argument then I can ring her for extra support to either help get my brain back together or give her permission to speak to my mother about it and get her back on board and open her eyes instead of shutting me out.

both myself and her are worried that this will put me back into hosiptal because its too much too soon. Its only been 2 months since ive been out. So we are both trying to get me back into a more stable state and work out what I can do etc.

we nudged abit of the trauma (not the SA) but it was ok...
she explained quite a few things about my upbringing and why I am the way that I am and also how the brain develops through the ages.
When your younger if you arent nurtured, its actaully proven that you dont really know how to self soothe. Because you adapt to your environment for example your crying crying crying so what do some parent do try to shut you up and your parents shove a dummy in your mouth and keep doing that instead of soothing you, you eventually learn to just stay quiet. You wont cry unless your hungry or your basic needs arent being met. So instead of talking to people and getting help, you shut yourself out and do the quiet things such as reading a book to squash down your feelings.
She is happy not to be jumping straight into trauma work and thinks ive made the wise decision to work on the things bothering me right now and help myself through life and when I begin to be ok then start to work on tauma. She also thinks before I get into trauma work I need to have those supports in place. Then start working on triggers and then get right into the trauma.

Because I either feel nothing or feel too much she wants me to do a mood journal in accordance with the triggers. That way we can work out what it is that keeps pushing me over the edge, besides the constant triggers but what is it that really sends me over the edge esp into the suicidal state.

We talked about the self harm and also the suicidal thoughts. And how they are always there but they get strong that I cant ignore them and then put me into that state of mind like I have been. Shes very worried about that. She wants to help me through that as well. She said that as I get older and find what I think is a purpose and begin to enjoy life again, those thoughts may fade and become a distant memory. A time to look back on and say 'ive made it through that'

i love you so much too my cyber grandmother @Former-Member

Wow Claire @outlander!

It's sounds like you had a really helpful, informative appointment 🙂

3 hours would be very tiring, but I think it was worth it, what do you think?

You will have other appointments you can talk about the comparison thing, do you write down things as you think of them - maybe get a little writing book just for your thoughts to share with your psychologist?

I didn't know you were looking after your Sisters for a week while your Mother and BF went on a holiday. I don't know what your Mother's thinking . . . I think maybe she's not.

The most wonderful words I read in your post were - 'She's helping me' and 'she's trying to help me' WOW that's exactly what you need; and that she's willing to speak to your Mother if things go pear shaped is also excellent, because if that scenario does happen - you now have someone in the really real that you can call on for help!

I think I'm learning through your learning - about the early childhood stuff, it's really very sad. I have memories of my Father smacking me for crying, I never used to cry up until about a decade ago. Now as soon as I'm in a stressful situation that's what appears to happen, but I think it's a physical reaction not really crying.

I think the plan that you've both made is a good one, tackle the here and now first; the darkness that hides beneath that surface may need you to be stronger and better than you are right now, to even look at it. But I believe your strength and your youth will get you there, and you will be able to look your past in the eye and tell it that's exactly what it is - the past - it is not a part of your present and it will not continue to damage your future.

Yay to the day, when you finally get to see, your strength and courage, and say 'I made it through that'!

Lots of love

Niqua

Yes Niqua it was very tiring but im ok I think.
Yes for a whole week during the school holidays coming up in about 2 or 3 weeks ill be juggling 2 jobs my study plus my sisters 24/7 and appointments so this is not going to be fun and its a really bad time for mum to go away. They asked me a few months ago the original plan was 3 days so I agreed to it, sure I could put things on hold for that long and get someone to wtxh the kids while I do mys econd job and the last time I checked its now 7 days. Im wondering why the ehck someone didnt tell me sooner because I would have said no its too much 3 days tops if you cant do that then dont go.

It was pretty informative yes, and its making me learn each time I go because she expains why she is thinking the reasons she does towards me and my thinking. Your example sounds like yet another perfect example. You were always shut down and werent allowed to express what your feeling so that turned into rebellion and later finally being able to cry.

Oh yes I will need to be alot stronger to tackle so of the other stuff and both me and my pscyh are in agreeance that its not the right time esp since ill have the kids. I need to be relatively stable to care for them then dig into the other stuff but not yet.

@Former-Member

Hey @outlander

sounds like your psych appointment went for a long time - i thought 1 hour was long

it's okay that you forgot to talk about the comparison thing - i have done similar before actually.. finished up with a psych and then remembered that I had forgotten something

It's good that she is also helping you with practical things to get yourself ready for the week ahead

The stuff you speak about from childhood hits home with me - a lot of what I deal with now does indeed trace back to my own experiences growing up. I believe that is a very Freudian school of psychoanalysis. It's certainly true for me I have found.

Working on the triggers first is a good idea. I have done this before. Then going to the source of the trauma. It's been about 3 weeks since my last psych appointment but my psych put me onto a new podcast called ACT in Context. It looks at the intracicies of that particular school of therapy. It's funny because you learn all the academic side of things when it comes to the therapy yet you still have to apply it in your own life.

I really like this too:

"She said that as I get older and find what I think is a purpose and begin to enjoy life again, those thoughts may fade and become a distant memory. A time to look back on and say 'ive made it through that"

that's a really good point 🙂

You will indeed get to that point one day @outlander but it's just a matter of working on the right things for now.

Good idea to go to the psych still wasn't it? 🙂

I'm glad that you are seeing some worth back in your life now. It may not seem like it is there but I can tell it's there somewhere.

Personally I know how important it is to find worthiness in yourself before you can be bothered trying to fix yourself. It's commendable what you've done today and you should be proud !

yeah we lost track of time as she didnt have any other clients till the afternoon and I was there in the am.
I think her explaining that has really helped me to understand why I am the way I am and while its not all bad it does help know thats where the bpd is stemming from. I cant regulate my emotions or moods and havent really ever been able to. Its been better since ive started medications though.

Oh yes thats the hard part, we can all learn about what to do but putting into action is a lot harder to do!

Yes it was still a good idea to go, just not while I was in that state. It was too dangerous.

Nice spoiler btw

@MDT

@outlander 3 hours is a huge amount of time to be in an appointment. i hope it was helpful though.