loosing the will to go on

this is pretty much the only place i can turn to @B45

im glad the forums are here they have saved me when no one else could a few times

last night yet again ive had only 2 hours sleep.
when im anxious or depressed or in certain states i have alot of nightmares
i had alot of monsters come and visit me last night.

i SH in the first time in 2 months and i know its not a permamant thing but it saved me from my thoughts last night. i needed a release and couldnt let them keep destroying me as they were.

and today the sun is shining and i still feel like complete sh**.
I dont know anymore. how can i keep going on. i dont get it and i dont understand it
i thought i was past this point but obviously not.
im never going to get better. i cant see my way out of this one.
i just dont know anymore

theres only one thing left to do and that might be to go and speak to my aunty if i can get hold of her

i dont think its wise to be driving today. ive called my second boss and said im not abel to work today and ill catch up with it all tomorrow, thankfully she was understanding. my pops gone out so thats my work sorted out. but my mothers home and so ar my sisters and its not quiet or peaceful. i jsut want some time to myself but i never get it. never ever!

Hello my beautiful cyber-Grand daughter Claire

You poor thing! I do know the constant battle for sleep, though the memory of it is faded a little from time passed. I know it is completely debilitating. Sleeping seems to affect everything, eating, drinking, peeing, pooping and absolutely thinking; the ability to understand - the lack of it seems to confuse my mind absolutely. My monsters used to visit me in broad daylight in plain sight!

Here comes you cyber-Grandma, wielding a bottle of tea-tree oil, a light bandage and an unending bubble of love I'm tending to your wounds whilst speaking very lovingly and gently to you; with just the tiniest touch of fear to the tone in my voice, all for a very selfish reason - I don't want to lose you Don't forget the little strategies like an elastic band or an ice-cube.

I gave up on 'getting better' many years ago, now I focus on managing - and it's taken a lot of the pressure off my own mind. I am who I am how I am, as you are; and I am worthwhile just like you I think maybe your symptoms {don't know if that's the right word} may go through a cycle, and because your young I think that cycle could be like a tornado - wild and destructive. As many things do though, including the cyclone in your mind, it may change and weaken as it ages. I think the hardest thing that I've learnt from my experience with my mind - is patience. Perhaps more to the point, the reason to be patient for - joy. There will be good times in life, when you feel a lot of bad in your life, even just a moment of good can be a life saver. It takes a lot of hard work waiting for those moments.

I am with you @outlander I'm reaching through your computer screen and touching your cheek right now

I hope you do enjoy a visit with your Aunty.

Sending lots of love, courage and patience,

Niqua

hello my Nan @Former-Member

my monters come out through the day too. But im meant to be awake through the day unlike night time. I should be sleeping but im dealing with the night time demons too.
They casue strange or scary dreams that suck me right in and its hard to get out of that causes me to have a panic attack. Its not great having to deal with a panic attack and constant nightmares almost everynight. I cant really remember the last time I had a dreamless night or got more than 4 hours.

Thanks for being here. It means a lot. If only you were here in life form. I need someone like you.
I tried the elastic bands and I realised that if I did it enough I would become numb to it so wasnt really helping me. And the ice vubes dont work, im so use to ice because of all the injuries.
And you can be selfish. At least someone wants me, even in cyber land.

I tried to have the state of mind where I was going to manage these things instead of getting better but im not managing at all. Im not getting anywhere. Oh yes its like a massive tornoado. If I listened to anything my mind was telling me to when I get into that destructive mode I dont know where I would be or end up. My brains told me to do drugs, become an alcoholic, drive erratically- not quite winning at this one as it does happen sometimes, and many other things that I wont name on here.
And yes I just need a glimmer of hope to show something other than darkness. Right now im engulffed in it and theres no end in sight. I cant drag myself out of it.
Even without suicidal thoughts, I feel like giving up all the time because things are just so hard. Not only do I take on my stuff, I take on everyone elses things even more so if they live with me.

Reading your words I could almost feel you literally touching my cheek. Must be your way of words- our bond.

hi @MDT
yes I try not to meantion mood disorders or anything now. Sometimes its hard when they have you got a psychologist and what have they diagnosed with etc but if I can avoid it ill try to not say it.
I get that same reaction and once they know your getting help already they seem to fob me off.

Well im not ok. Im far from ok.
I dont think this will ever end. I think this will follow right through to the grave. I just dont want to be defeated by depression. I dont want to be a victim of death through depression.
Depression is winning and I just dont have the fight within anymore.
Ive got no fire buring within. Nothing. Im empty.

i hope things ease for you too

I didnt get to see my Aunty today. Tomorrow I have the dreaded psych appointment
and I also didnt get a day off today either. A few clients rang wanting paddock cleaning and I wont have time through the week to do it so, I took my semi busy day to being full on. I got home at 6 from 5 hours paddock cleaning plus the normal part time care horses.

Hi @outlander

The Froggy is with you until midnight. I'm not sure I can swat away those demons but maybe I could catch them with my tongue 🙂

I'm sorry to hear you can't sleep yet. You must be exhausted from all that paddock clearing today!

I guess you are scared about having nightmares, and those monsters you talk about. There is no easy antidote to nightmares but trying to get your body warm and relaxed can help with a more relaxed sleep.

Maybe you can snooze a bit while watching a favourite TV show/movie, or listening to talkback radio/podcast? These things can trick our mind into feeling more relaxed.

Hope you get some sleep tonight Outlander. (I loved that series by the way - Scottish Outlander - did you see it?)

kind regards,

Frog