loosing the will to go on

Hey @outlander

I had a read through your post earlier - the long one

Clearly you are in a rough place at the moment.

It sounds like you are aware of your own thoughts and you are self aware in general and that's a pretty good thing. Whenever I have had to deal with suicidal ideation I have found it very important to speak out about it to anyone - forums are one such way of doing this.

It's also evident to me that you are a kind person and you know what to say when people need help. I have found that I can do this too but I never extend it to myself. I know it sounds cliche and a bit pathetic but it's really important to express kindness and love for oneself. It's essential in fact.

I know the feeling of doing everything you are meant to and not having it remove or deal with the utter crap that your mind puts you through. Lately I have found this to be the case in my own life. I recently lashed out at my mum because she was having a go at me over something trivial and unimportant.

I say this to people a lot but 'this too shall pass'. It does. That's a fact you can bank on. It's not to say that the utter crap you are going through at the moment can just disappear because it won't. But so long as you go through the hell of the depression and feeling suicidal with the idea in the back of your mind that it will pass then it's all good I think. It gives you a reason to carry on.

I believe this is something that I'm currently going through as well. I've made a lot of changes recently and my mind is catching up. So rest assured that I do know what it feels like to be in this sort of situation. I know what it's like to have crappy therapists as well. Sleep interuptions, med changes, suicidal tendencies, hospitals... you name it...

Hang in there though @outlander

You've also helped me too on these forums so always remember that in this day and age of the internet there is the possibility that you impact other people on earth as well. Never ever underestimate it.

There are also other resources available too. Beyondblue forums are great simply to get others' input in your scenario who've had similar experience. There is an app called Vent that is also good (basically like a social network for people who have mental health conditions) and you can post up whatever is going on for you. People all over the world will read it but its anonymous so it's no problem in that regard. I find things like this can be helpful. Reddit is as well. I swear without the internet I would be in a far worse position.

It's okay to lack willingness and not know. I believe this is part of depression and anxiety tbh. It's okay to not be okay. Just ensure you have your contacts close by and that you know what to do and who to call in case you feel really bad. I believe this is called an emergency plan.

Anyway I hope you feel a bit better as a result of what I've said and don't be afraid to say whatever is on your chest. Venting it out on here (or anywhere) always helps.

Hi @MDT

yeah a rough place is one way of looking at it. Living hell is another.

I might be aware of my own thoughts and being self aware hasnt been easy to learn. It still takes practice and I cant always do it. Right now the only thing thats in my head is what I shouldnt be doing (SI & SH)

I find it easier to support others rather than myself and right now im in no state to support others the way I want to and that too frustrates me. Ive been patient with myself. Every time I have a bad day I stop and think why was it bad or what could I do to have done something better and learn from it but lately there arent any good days, nothing is going right and I dont understand why that is. How am I suppose to learn from it If it makes no sense to me in the first place.
Im clearly doing something wrong but I cant see where so I cant fix it.

I cant even have a go at people, I just take it and shivel back into my own shell because I know im that worthles hunk of crap that deserves it so its easier to accept rather than stick up for myself and make a total fool of myself.
I have a tendency to do that just as my ankle decided to give way the other day at the most least convienint time ever- right in front of everyone. I had to laugh it off.

I always try to think itll pass but it NEVER does. Nothing ever changes. Not even when I try my best. It always come back and its like bad calmer for the good things.
Maybe if I do bad things, things people dont expect of me then good things will start to happen to me.
Ive got heaps of information and I try to do as other have suggested, even just giving it ago and it just doesnt help me. I honestly dont know whats left to do.
I hate seeing my psychologist- not all psychs are bad but I know we have to click- I thought this one was going to be a good match but that was only the first session. I really thought she was going to help me but the last two sessions shes not lsitening to me and rambling on a heap of crap. We spent 2 hours on something that I said I understand what you talking about and right at the end of it I summed it up in literally 2 sentences and she had that 'oh' face. Like friggin hell really I asked you to stop and that I understood 3 times I didnt want to keep dragging on about it. And at the end of the session she makes me 'grade' her on different areas and I said I wasnt comfortable doing that either. But here I am every session having to re do it.
I havent done the homework either. Who wants to write the 2 biggest triggers every day when your horse has just been put down, and havin a lot of bad days that just mould into one.

Its more than a lack of willingness, its a lack of care. I just dont care anymore. This is what I was afraid of. I didnt want these thoughts to drown me this much to the point I just dont care and its done it within 3 days despite efforts of drawing, driving, music, and all the rest. I need to get somesort of joy back and with little interest in anything I dont think I will.
I can only hope one day ill wake up and the thoughts wont be as strong.

I have a safety plan which I need to update... again... I dont enjoy updating it because that means I have yet again things that arent working for me.
I have things that work for anxiety but when my depression gets into this state I cant find what brings it up. I can settle thigns abit better but I cant bring enjoyment back

@Queenie

she jsut tells me to ring a helpline. i do that and they dont help me. they ask what usually help and i say a few things that ive tried they say keep doing those bye.

they arent helpful to me. i dont ring them anymore.

my psychiatrist wants me to talk to my pscyhologist- whom i dont like- to teach distress tolerance skills. this psych doesnt listen to me. she makes me do the things i dont want to do and honestly i zone out half the time because she bores me.

i dont want to continue therapy. she wants me to keep scraping through my stuff but i said i want to learn coping strategies that are going to work for me. she thinks me list that i have is good.

she frustrates me. im suppsoe to be going on monday but i dont really want to go.

@outlander, I'm sorry you are being fobbed off by your psychiatrist. To a large extent, I know I have been too. I only see him every 6 months now. I am not eligible to see my psychologist anymore and my GP doesn't know anything about a schizoaffective disorder, so other than writing out my prescriptions, does nothing (I only see her every few months despite going to her clinic every fortnight for my injection). I get the same treatment as you if I'm in crisis call a helpline or use online services from Lifeline. Unfortunately, I find both of them incredibly scripted, if you know what I mean and not very helpful. As soon as I mention schizo anything, I am instantly in the too hard basket. So I hear you, I really do. It is hard to keep going when that happens, but you will eventually find a reason to keep yourself going. Even if it is something basic. For me, it was a pet rat that kept me literally putting one step in front of the other each day. He was the last thing I talked to at night and the first thing I saw in the morning. I miss him terribly but have since found other things to add to my resilience and keep myself going.

I'm not saying get another pet but there must be something which drives you. Even if it is something small and you don't even realise it yet. That is how in my book, you build resilience. I don't think there is an easy fix to feeling better and getting rid of SI/SH thoughts sadly. It is all about building that much-needed resilience and challenging them.

I know @Queenie its frustrating too because it feels like because im not a private customer that being paying full price and not subsidised by medicare that I dont matter to them. Its just an easy consult and get out.
My psychiatrist keeps calling me overweight which is bugging me because im working my abckside off and am loosing weight yet she keeps saying im putting on weight. Arrggghhh I know ive put on weight, it doesnt help that when I dont have the energy to do my usual at least 3 hrs a day I start gaining weight. My matobolism must be sooooo slow! Ive only got to smell something greasy or friend and I gain a kilo.
I only see my psychiatrist every few weeks and thats just to moniotr medications as she might be putting me back onto another mood stabiliser. I have to start this one as o monday and I see her in another 3 weeks so that it give it time to work and if need be change them. I dont particularly want to change because if I change its constant blood tests to test liver functions.
Its like every month thing but I dont know if I want to go through that. They will probably find something else wrong as I go along.
I see my gp every week to monitor medications and mood. I wont be telling her about these thoughts though she will want to increase my visits to twice a week again but it takes up to much of my time considering I see the psychologist weekly as well.
I feel the same, like its scripted for the harder cases. They helped me to start with when I ahd no coping strategies in place and really unaware of all this stuff but now I have a few coping strategies they tell me to use those. If they were working theni wouldnt be ringing for more support.

When I spoke to my psychiatrist a few days ago, I told her about the BPD stuff and she fobbed it off like yeah the MH team like to give labels. Shes the one who sent me there to get tested! I cant win with her either. I stick with only speaking about the medications now.

Queenie im worried that I wont find something. I tried getting D and it hasnt helped and I tried getting a second job so abit more income, less time at home something I thought id enjoy but it hasnt helped either. I dont know what else to do.

I hope your sleeping now Claire

That way you can wake up in the morning and see that I was cyber-stroking your hair and pulling up your blankets to keep you warm and comfortable 🙂

I don't know why it won't stop for you, maybe one day it will though there's no guarantees, I think it will change throughout your life.

Lots and lots and loads and loads of love and gentle thoughts for you

Good night @outlander

It doesn't matter under what circumstances we meet. As long as you have somewhere to turn in these tough times. It's great that you could tell us what you are thinking & feeling rather than having the thoughts in your head & the walls closing in. We're here for you, take care.

oh Niqua if only you really are with me @Former-Member