Connect with people who understand what you are going through, seek advice and surround yourself with support. We're free, anonymous, and professionally moderated 24/7.

47,612Members
1,358,869Posts
1,400,000Visitors

Now what?

Unknown userMember07 Aug 2017, 8:47 am AEST

Now what?

Good morning all

So I've come to the conclusion that I need to continue to live, survive the daily battles. For everyone that loves me. I've understood that I have to take responsibility and that I have to participate in day to day life and also start earning a living again.

As I am writing this I can see the flaw in my thinking. I understand things on an intellectual level. I've also understood on an emotional level that it would have a traumatic impact on everyone who loves me if I hurt myself.

But where does that leave me?

84 replies

21 - 30 of 84

1 2 3 4...9

In response to: Now what?

Unknown userMember10 Aug 2017, 7:52 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

I'll pour the rest down the sink and go bed early.

In response to: Re: Now what?

NikNikSenior Contributor10 Aug 2017, 8:16 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

That's a big step @Former-Member !!

In response to: Now what?

Unknown userMember29 Aug 2017, 7:18 am AEST

Re: Now what?

Good morning

What is good about my morning? My son brought me coffee to bed, so I'm still snuggled up in bed and I got a big hug before he headed out to college. There are rain clouds, which is good, but the sun is coming up. I can hear the birds outside - and the noisy train - and my parrot is calling for me. Soon I guess my husband will come in with a second cup of coffee in hand and my parrot on his shoulder, so I can play with my parrot while I'm still in bed.

What's bad in my life? From the outside, nothing at all. From the inside, everything. I woke up thinking about suicide and possible ways to do it. Then I reminded myself that this is not an option because of the people I leave behind and who I have talked to about my thoughts. Then why does it continue to be on my mind.

Second coffee and parrot have arrived. I am spoilt, appreciated and loved.

Why is it that I cannot love myself? I cling to the facts that people love me and I cannot traumatise them - and I know I wouldn't be here anymore without them. I take my meds, practice self care in some way most days, keep most of my appointments, but I feel lost in this world and I don't really want to face finding work, doing work... I've lost all confidence in my ability and I know I have to do it as I am the breadwinner in the family.

I get disoriented with days, months, even years at times. I woke up this morning and didn't know where I was. My dreams have become intense and realistic and frequent again and sometimes it takes me days to get over them. It feels like I live in a separate dimension and if I would go back to Europe, people would still be alive that have long gone, things would be different than they are. I hate knowing that my mind plays tricks on me.

In response to: Re: Now what?

Unknown userMember30 Aug 2017, 12:21 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

The question remains - now what?

There is a suspicion now that I have a primary mental illness or disability, I don't actually know what it exactly is, that could be the reason why I am not progressing as much in therapy. So I could do more tests, new specialists...

I find life in general extremely overwhelming at the moment, this is probably the last news I needed.

I just want to go to bed, but I know that's not the solution 😞

In response to: Now what?

Unknown userMember02 Sept 2017, 5:06 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

Now what?

Still the same question. I feel like I'm just getting things ready to make it easier. I've finished sorting out paperwork, got all important info ready in one place, now I've gone through all the personal stuff and chucked heaps and I'm cleaning up the house. Spring clean?

My quote on my phone says "sometimes thing have to be shaken up, changed and rearranged to relocate us to the place we're meant to be". Fingers crossed.

I looked the other day on the internet about programs for suicide survivors. Doesn't seem there's anything before. I won't attempt, I will commit, no second chance, but I'll give myself some more time before D Day. Got a contract with my psych - what for, not his problem. I contract with myself.

In response to: Re: Now what?

Unknown userMember03 Sept 2017, 7:26 am AEST

Re: Now what?

My quote for the day says: "Never give up, for that is just the place and timer that the tide will turn".

Sound a lot like the "Don't quit" poem I know off by heart and learnt in 2001 (only the first and last paragraph). Everything I have learnt about success, planning, reaching your goals... seems a liftime away. I'm floating in the open space of nothingness, numb and quotes often make me feel like they are insulting me, as I cannot identify with them anymore 😞

I've stopped trudging, sighing, caring, fighting... I just live groundhog day.

When things go wrong, as they sometimes will,
When the road you're trudging seems all uphill,
When the funds are low and the debts are high,
And you want to smile but you have to sigh,
When care is pressing you down a bit—
Rest if you must, but don't you quit.

Success is failure turned inside out—
The silver tint of the clouds of doubt,
And when you never can tell how close you are,
It may be near when it seems afar;
So stick to the fight when you're hardest hit—
It's when things seem worst, you mustn't quit.

In response to: Now what?

Unknown userMember03 Sept 2017, 4:17 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

Almost end of day. Slept through most of it, still tired.

Over it

In response to: Now what?

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Sept 2017, 11:24 am AEST

Re: Now what?

hello @Former-Member how are you going today?

In response to: Now what?

Unknown userMember06 Sept 2017, 8:46 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

Hi @outlander

I'm doing a bit better, thank you. How are you?

I took a turn when I accepted that I was getting more and more unwell and stepped back AND listened to my doctor and increased my meds & other lifestyle factors. I'm still battling the feelings of being an absolute failure as I feel like I should be getting better but then I have to increase meds to new heights... and have to go back to basic self care and baby steps. Very frustrating. But I'm getting there.

In response to: Re: Now what?

outlanderSenior Contributor06 Sept 2017, 8:54 pm AEST

Re: Now what?

im glad your doing abit better @Former-Member

im going ok, getting abit worn down as the night goes on. nights are always worse for me.

often the hardest part is accepting that you need more help than what your already getting and youve already done that.

i know its frustrating not getting anywhere, at i felt like a catroon face palnting the wall but kept walking but getting nowhere. this might resonate with you too.

it is all about baby steps though

can you list any progresses that youve noticed no matter how small, even if its you didnt react as badly to something, or you havent been able to get out of bed but you did today?

@Former-Member

21 - 30 of 84

1 2 3 4...9