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not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor04 Aug 2017, 8:11 pm AEST

not coping

im not coping

i cant handle all of these things

besides my mental health deteriorating so dramatically, and my physicall health floating up the creek

and now within the past few hours

my great grandmother now is in a nursing home and they dont know how long she has left and to make thigns worse i think i have to put my beleoved horse down.

we just had vets out and spend the last 4 hours trying to save my horse. its been 2 hours and went back to check on her and its not looking good.

not good at all 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞

i dont know what to do or how to feel, im a complete mess 😞

18135 replies

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In response to: not coping

Emelia8Senior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 7:55 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Dear @outlander .... I dont know what to say sweetie, I really dont.

To say I am angry would be an understatement. To hear of how your family take advantage of you, sickens me. Not just the expectation that you will do all their bidding ... but that you continue to fork out money for them too. Im sorry sweetie, I cannot listen to this. I am soooo angry at your mother! 😡

The sooner you break out of this situation the better. You deserve so much more than this, you need a life of your own. Take care sweetie. Im sorry I cannot help.

Emelia 💔

In response to: Re: not coping

SnowieSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 7:57 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

@outlander 💖💖

In response to: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 7:58 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Its hard @Sans911 😞
Ive been out most of the day and all i asked of pop was could he do the dishes so i can cook dinner when i get home but it wasnt done at all. I know he wont remember but it would be good if he used his brain avit and thinks 'the dishes are pileing up abit i think i should do them' ive had to catch up on extra things that were suppose to be done by his carer as well so ive had to add them to the list. 2 things which wouldve taken them 20 minutes out of the 2 hrs allocated but never got done. Pop only likes the care on his terms. I even left her a note and he ripped it up 😔 i showed it to her before i left but still didnt get done.
I wish i was ok with walking out 😞 if i left theres still nothing left for me anyway

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:00 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Its ok @Emelia8 thank you

In response to: not coping

Faith-and-HopeSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:01 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Does your doctor know how much you are carrying, and how much is being expected of you @outlander ?

Can you say to your sister that if she doesn't respect your need for down-time you will re-think teaching her to drive ?

Can you make deals, maybe starting with your sisters, like "if I do this for you, what will you do for me to help me in return ? It's designed to make them think, make them consider that relationships are supposed to be a two-way street, and that is something you can say out loud to them.

If you are doing the carer work if a parent with your sisters, then you are also entitled, as a sister-parent to teach them your values. Doing this may create a true sisterhood where they begin to look out for you as much as you are looking out for them as they get older, and you can begin, all of you, to leave your mother and partner to their own lives. You and your sisters will be the actual family for each other. It's not how things are "supposed to be", but how things are is not how it's "supposed to be" anyway.

Ate you seeing a counsellor who can help you work this out ?

Hugs n hugs @outlander. Agreed. It's not at all fair, and hasn't been from the time I met you and before that.

In response to: Re: not coping

Eve7Senior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:07 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Sweetie my heart breaks for you @outlander but that doesn’t really help either.

Can you talk to your mother at all? You somehow need to set some boundaries or this will destroy you.

As for your sister, if she has a job she can pay for her own driving lessons. Be firm with her as she is treating you the same as your Pop and Mum treat you...It’s just not on!

Love

💕💖💕

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:20 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

I dont have a regular gp atm @Faith-and-Hope im in the middle of trying to find one that gives me more then 2 seconds of their time before shoving me out the door and no counsellor atm either. I had one online but with mt computer not working properly its to hard to get in touch with her and to hard on a phone so i dont have one atm.

Ive been helping with sisters as long as i can remember. I try to teach them and pull them up on things too but it seems like im the one that has to do everything. Instead of making us closer it seems to be making it harder to build a relationship because im just not their mum so i dont know. I thought it would get easier as they aged but it seems like more responsibilities instead. I guess when one gets a license it wont be as much but theres still a while to go yet with that. I can try the deals thing but im not sure itll work. Theres not much that i really need them to do i guess..

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:22 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

I cant talk to my mother. It never goes well. Ever @Eve7 tried the boundaries and things but its to hard. Its to hard if im the one who has to forever set them stick to them and they arent respected.

In response to: Re: not coping

Sans911Senior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:26 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

Is there any way to email the carers (or their company) to give them a list of things to do and to ignore your pop (to a degree)? Now it's holidays could one of your sisters not come sit with him for a while to allow to go out and get things done or to distract him from what the cleaner/carer is doing? Like @Faith-and-Hope has proposed, make a deal with your sister for giving her driving lessons. And if she wants lessons, she needs to put in some fuel. No fuel=no lesson. She is working, isn't she?

I understand you feel some sense of duty and responsibility @outlander but at what cost to you? You health is suffering, and I'm sure that stress has a big part to play. Moving away would be scary, but it would allow you freedom and space to see your family on your terms. I understand too that your mother & her partner need to work, but your other sister is old enough to care for the younger one. Caring for an elderly relative with dementia is incredibly hard, responsible and time consuming. Your mother should not expect to you to be able to work, care for 3 relatives, and all the other things that you do.

In response to: Re: not coping

Zoe7Senior Contributor20 Dec 2020, 8:43 pm AEDT

Re: not coping

With the utmost respect @outlander you have to make some big decisions. You can continue to go along as you are and continue to be used by everyone in your life or you can put your foot down and try to work out a life that you can actually have. If your sister is old enough to both work and drive then she has to be responsible for the financial side of those lessons - you do not have to take her yourself - if she wants to get her licence and have that freedon then she has to be mature enough to handle the expense of doing so. She is also old enough to look after your younger sister. You have said they fo not get on but you and they do not have a great relationship either - and that is continually compounded by the unreal expectations placed on you. As for your mother - she works - so what. The girls are her responsibility and she has to work out a way to both work and look after them. Her partners child is NOT your responsibility.He has to work out a way to organise his work and having his daughter with him also.

The longer you continue to do whatever they ask and the longer you back down on those boundaries - the more they ill expect you will do. It is time for you to look forward to what you want and what you will do. You are not the mother in this situation nor are you a slave to their every whim or need. I would encourage you to ask yourself what it is you get out of all this - is it a sense of worthiness or need, is it a feeling you are giving what you never had or is it simply all you have ever known? The answers may be all of those but the next question then needs to be what is it you want? I do not mean simply a recognition of everything you do nor of the feeling of being useful - what is it you want in your life? Do you want the freedom to find who you really are aside from all these responsibilities, the ability to work towards a future where you can feel some kind of self fullfillment and achievement on your own terms and with things you enjoy? I know you have previsouly said you do not know who you are apart from your life right now and you are also scared of moving out or living on your own without the present circumstances you are in - but I feel it really is time you look at your life and how you can make positive and lifelong changes - you deserve to find yourself and be free of all of these present constraints.

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