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not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor04 Aug 2017, 8:11 pm AEST

not coping

im not coping

i cant handle all of these things

besides my mental health deteriorating so dramatically, and my physicall health floating up the creek

and now within the past few hours

my great grandmother now is in a nursing home and they dont know how long she has left and to make thigns worse i think i have to put my beleoved horse down.

we just had vets out and spend the last 4 hours trying to save my horse. its been 2 hours and went back to check on her and its not looking good.

not good at all 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞

i dont know what to do or how to feel, im a complete mess 😞

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In response to: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 1:27 am AEST

Re: not coping

Thanks @Sans911 i read your posts but my brain cogs arent turning much atm to respond rright now

Are you going ok? Do you want cup of tea and come sit with me for abit?

In response to: not coping

NatureLoverSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 9:26 am AEST

Re: not coping

Thanks for the update, @outlander ...sorry to hear about your gums /cheeks and that the scan yesterday wasn't successful. Hopefully the gastroenterologist has enough inofrmation from all your scans put together to make an assessment. I hope he calls soon.

Really hope that today is a bit better for you... ❤

In response to: Re: not coping

ethSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 10:11 am AEST

Re: not coping

Thinking of you and sending warm wishes @outlander and very much hoping you get some answers soon.

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 10:41 am AEST

Re: not coping

thank you @NatureLover @eth

ive asked to make an appointment to see him, im just waiting on a response as to when I can book in.

soo good to see you @Former-Member

In response to: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 10:54 am AEST

Re: not coping

im finding the emotional regulation thing really hard more so the last few weeks @Sans911

it comes on really really quickly, a lot more stronger and more abrupt lately. one minute im ok and the next minute something sets me off and im having meltdowns or im so angry that I don't even know what im doing. it feels like a lot of my compassion and understanding towards people is really lacking esp when I really should be more like I would normally be. not so much on here but offline life.

things happen so quickly like I threw a plate, grabbed my jacket and walked out of the house just yesterday when I really should've been much kinder to what was happening. but just as quick as that outburst I started to be more ok again.

In response to: Re: not coping

Sans911Senior Contributor10 June 2020, 12:33 pm AEST

Re: not coping

Please don't be too hard on yourself @outlander (which you are). I found the times I was most dysregulated was when I was completely overwhelmed and there was no let up with that. This is what's happening for you and has been for a very long time. And unfortunately, I think things are getting worse, not better. You really have no one to vent to properly.

Sometimes too we get what's known as compassion fatigue or burnout. I've had it myself as a nurse several times, and I often had to step away from the situation until I can calm myself down. You don't have that ability to step away.

Even here is limited. I know you are against seeing a psychologist, but would talking to a counsellor or social worker help? Does Carers Australia have access or referral to this kind of people? Don't look it at it like therapy, just someone you can 'blah' to (that's my phrase for venting).

Do you still have a support worker coming for your pop? I know you had him assessed for any help (is that right?) but was there anything else suggested by his gp? Has he been considered for a HACC (home and community care) package? Even some coming to help clean would give you a little break.

And perhaps consider looking into either respite for a week or longer for your pop and you. I know he won't like it, and will fight you about it, but you need a decent break. Perhaps even see if they are day programs around for your pop to go to once a week. It would be good for him to socialise with others.

I know there's a lot in this post to digest, and I have asked lots of questions, but I want you to start thinking about your needs. And your pops too.

I wish I was there to help you. I would come in a heartbeat and stay for a while to support you. It feels so lame for me the support I give you here. Know though that I care about you very, very much. I wish I could give a gentle, but long hug right now. 💖💖

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 9:14 pm AEST

Re: not coping

Thanks @Sans911

I know about the compassion fatigue but didnt really think of it as an added possibility tbh. I guess it wouldnt surprise me since ive been caring for many yrs now and all the added roles.

The lack of compassion etc feels strange but may be a warning signs that things mightnt be so peachy like i keep wearing the mask for. Its like I care but I also dont want to know sometimes. Im not sure if that makes much sense though..

I have set up online counselling sessions with KHL temporaily to see how I go with it. I didnt speak with them for very long today because I just didnt have it in me but I asked what days they worked and if the option of chatting to them on a more regular basis is still an optional. There arent any set times but each time I log on she will tell me which days and shift she is working and I can connect to the webchat/or the phone during that time and ask to speak with her instead of random people.

I think I have a pdoc appointment in another week, and im guessing itll be the same thing as before-go on medications. Its really not what I want though.

I have another specilist appt that will hopefully go ok and might give some answers to another health issue that needs reviewing and then I speak with the gastroenterologist next friday to talk about the test results, where to from here etc.

I spoke with the people who are offering the care assistance through my aged care. Thankfully they didnt have to talk to pop so I could talk to them more openly. Atm there isnt a whole heap on offer but to start with he has a support worker coming in for 2 hours each week starting from either next week or the week after once they get all the paperwork started and a support worker assigned properly etc. Thatll be an ongoing thing esp since its pretty cheap as well. They will help a little with light domestic duties, and take him out and about or help him with projects or something. The support worker they are thinking of sounds like a really good match for pop as he loves music and exploring cars so they can go to look around music shops and motor life sorts of museums as well.

Pop doesnt want to do the social groups thing but the going out with the support worker might be a good start for now until some more things open up. They said that sometimes they run a group for elderly people for about an hour a week and they do like some fitness activities but atm its not running due to covid. I asked them to keep me updated though as that could also me something that he might benefit from.

I agree that I do need a break longer then a day or 2 here and there but I also feel like I cant just abandon things like my work with the horses, or the kids as well.
I dont think I can bring up taking a break again with my mother or anyone in the family. It really didnt go well last time and the changes didnt last any longer then a week even after my attempt (which the aniversary will be at the end of this month). I know the kids arent my responsibility and it has gotten better and im not here constantly. Mostly of a late night now but I dont take them to school and sometimes I dont pick them up or I only have them for a few hours and not overnight.

Your support isnt lame at all!!!, I really aprreciate you being here. I care an love you very much too

❤❤

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 9:17 pm AEST

Re: not coping

thank you also @Lee82 @Former-Member @Snowie (sis) @Eve7 @NatureLover @eth @Former-Member @Appleblossom @Shaz51 @Maggie and everyone
your support doesn't go unnoticed at all and I appreciate you being here too ❤
im sorry I haven't really been around as much atm.

In response to: Re: not coping

Sans911Senior Contributor10 June 2020, 9:39 pm AEST

Re: not coping

It's often hard to recognise compassion fatigue in ourselves @outlander. But I wouldn't be entirely surprised given all the things you do for everyone else. And it's not just the being there for everyone. It's the expectations you place on yourself and others place on you to be there and be responsible for others as well.

I'm so pleased you've set up some possible sessions with KHL. Smart thinking there lil Sis. It's nice to have access to the same person too.

I understand you might not be keen to go on medication, and I know many can irritate your already sensitive system, but if there's something suitable that might help, please consider it. It doesn't mean you are on it forever.

You need a longer break hun, and to be honest, your mother will have to manage. It doesn't mean you have that break this week or next. But soon. You can't get on top of anything right now. You need a complete break from your pop, your sisters and have as little responsibility as possible. Maybe you just do the horses. And that's it. Your pop goes into respite for a week, maybe two. You get proper rest, recovery and perhaps start to feel a little bit better physically. Something to think about in the next few months perhaps. You aren't the mother of your sisters. Your mother is. Looking after your pop is a full time job on its own.

I worry lil Sis that one day something awful might happen to you from all the stress and responsibilities you have. That perhaps you'll fall asleep at the wheel, or you'll collapse from your health problems, or any number of other scenarios.

You are a young, intelligent, caring, sweet woman outlander. You should be having the time of your life right now, exploring opportunities in life, going out, making friends. And you're not. When will you get to be just you?

In response to: Re: not coping

AppleblossomSenior Contributor10 June 2020, 10:10 pm AEST

Re: not coping

@outlander

You have carried the caring role on a number of fronts for a long time, and you have serious health challenges.

Accept as much support from My Aged care as possible. I hope having regular spt wkr reduces pops prickly side.

@Sans911 posts are spot on.

I hope session with kidsline works for you. SOmetimes it is just luck and things can roll along well. Fingers Crossed for you on health and support issues.

You have given so much here at Sane Forum as Community Guide. LIsten to your inner self. If you are feeling stretched to give compassion or warmth, give to the level you feel sincere, dont keep expecting yourself to be super caring for everybody. You know the old saying you cant please everybody all of the time. Allow yourself the inner boundary of choosing what you can and cant give, at least here on line, if you cannot reduce your caring load at the moment in real life.

I am pretty cross with your mother, but I dont know all she is juggling and why she thinks she can keep demanding from you. It does not seem fair to me.

Draw a protective circle around yourself and maybe one day soon ... you can go out and get some of the beautiful things life can offer.

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