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besides my mental health deteriorating so dramatically, and my physicall health floating up the creek
and now within the past few hours
my great grandmother now is in a nursing home and they dont know how long she has left and to make thigns worse i think i have to put my beleoved horse down.
we just had vets out and spend the last 4 hours trying to save my horse. its been 2 hours and went back to check on her and its not looking good.
not good at all 😞😞😞😞😞😞😞😞
i dont know what to do or how to feel, im a complete mess 😞
I feel sad @Sans911 it feels like if I ask for a break then its unfair on others around me too. I know the kids arent my responsibility but because its been this way for so long and they do need to work. She and her partner are often stressed about paying bills etc as well and keeping on top of it all so it makes it very hard for me to even think I need a break. We know what happened the last time I said I wasnt coping and im scared to go through that again 😞 it doesnt feel like anyone would win in this situation and I dont know what to do.
I feel really awful but sometimes I wish that sometimes I would be physically sick so it would be easier for me to say I really need a break to recover. I dont want to be sick but even now with the stomach issues ive been facing it still doesnt seem like its enough to say im not well.
I dont know how itll go with KHL, I havent had much luck with them in the past or with any counsellor but I will see how it goes. I really hate burdening you and everyone here. I know I need the supports, but it seems the more I go the worse I feel and shutting down seems like the option thats my go to. Its not the best strategy though I know.
I know when I go to the pdoc, medication will be pushed onto me. Thats what happens every session. And if I dont agree to it then he says he cant help me.
I dont go home from mums till midnight tonight and apparently the fog is really bad. Yay... not. But I dont havve the kids at all tomorrow so I get abit of a sleep in before my appt and then a free day after that.
In response to: not coping
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: not coping
thanks @Appleblossom
mum obsviously has her own things plus her work and the kids when I don't or her partner doesn't have them. I don't feel like I can just dump everything on her like saying I need a break from pop or the kids. It is tough.
I haven't been doing as much of my CGing lately. im still around but I have taken what others have said and to just support those I feel I can or just my close circle of people for now until I feel ok to branch out more again.
In response to: Re: not coping
AppleblossomSenior Contributor
Re: not coping
@outlanderand I know you dont want to let her down and so you stretch as far as you can.
It is great that there are so many new guides now. It will lighten the load here to share it around. I used to feel I would not get my sense of caring back, but it did come back and eventually I learned to pull my energies inward when it got too much.
It actually takes a bit of inner awareness to read that about ourselves in this kind of work.
In response to: Re: not coping
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: not coping
yeah @Appleblossom I think that is part of the expectations I have of myself that @Sans911 was talking about too. I don't like to let anyone down, its hard for me. i know its hard for lots of people too
In response to: Re: not coping
Eve7Senior Contributor
Re: not coping
Sending some big love @outlander ‘cos I couldn’t sleep.
you are such s beautiful person 💙🧡💙
In response to: Re: not coping
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: not coping
thanks @Eve7 happy to chat if you need to, tag me wherever or you can talk here too of course
In response to: Re: not coping
outlanderSenior Contributor
Re: not coping
you ok? @Former-Member
In response to: Re: not coping
Eve7Senior Contributor
Re: not coping
The nice nurse just made me a camomile tea. I could ask him to make you one too.
Lots of stuff going through my head but I think I’ll leave it locked in there and try and sleep.
I hope you can sleep too. Take care and give the horses a hug from me. Sending you a hug 🤗
Thanks for all you do
@outlander
Sweet dreams to both you and @Sherry
In response to: Re: not coping
Sans911Senior Contributor
Re: not coping
I'm not sure if you are still awake bub @outlander but I fell asleep after that last post. As so often happens, I wake up a few hours later, and can't get back to sleep for a while. So I'll answer your post.
I'm so sorry you feel sad. It seems sometimes you're in an impossible situation. I understand you don't want to upset anyone by letting them down. And you are the one that has to deal with your mother constantly, so there's no escaping the consequences of anything you do or say. And I get it that she has to work, she has to support her daughters, she has bills to pay. But if you weren't available for her, what would she do? And does she have no idea of what it's like caring for someone elderly and with dementia? Also, her problems around paying bills are her problems. Not yours at all. You have similar issues to her, in that your bills must be paid too.
Please stay talking to me here. I actually love it when you open up and talk to me. You've not done that for a long time now, and I know the various reasons why. It's no burden to me. You know I love to help you, even if a solution can't be found. These are the longest conversations we've had in probably months. I miss them actually. I feel a little bit like the old forum ways are returning. I am treading carefully coming back to the forums, but I'm always here for you. When I took a break, I was glad you had supoorts from others, but I felt a little like I was loosing you. And I have struggled a bit to feel a reconnect with you because I didn't want to stand in the way of others connecting with you.
I'm hearing you that you think no one would win. And obviously I can't force you to do anything, nor would I try, that creates further problems for you. So I'm sad too, because carers need breaks as well. And you are doing it on 2 fronts. Yes, your hours might be reduced with your sisters, but you're still expected to be available.
And if you don't want to take meds from your pdoc, then don't feel forced to. That's only his opinion that you can't be helped. You know it's not the truth.
As I finish this post to you I'm crying. But they are tears of worry for you mixed with relief and gratefulness that you have shared with me. Thank you lil Sis @outlander💕💕💕
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