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Something’s not right

not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor04 Aug 2017, 8:11 pm AEST

not coping

im not coping

i cant handle all of these things

besides my mental health deteriorating so dramatically, and my physicall health floating up the creek

and now within the past few hours

my great grandmother now is in a nursing home and they dont know how long she has left and to make thigns worse i think i have to put my beleoved horse down.

we just had vets out and spend the last 4 hours trying to save my horse. its been 2 hours and went back to check on her and its not looking good.

not good at all 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞 😞

i dont know what to do or how to feel, im a complete mess 😞

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In response to: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 8:11 pm AEST

Re: not coping

mine is similar @Jynx the best way myself and my psych could describe it is im literally trying to run away from myself and its monsters. if i stop theyll catch me. i can sort of sit around and do nothing if i feel like ive done everything ive needed to do but sometimes lack of motivation helps there!
my nervous energy builds up abit and even though i often look like im resting and being ok resting there a big conflict happening internally just trying to sit still. guess my psych is sort of trying to help me train my brain to ride through the anxiety when im sitting still

i got much better at not being as busy when i got my injury because it made me slow down but stupid me was still working even with moonboots and crutches! i would always try and find a way to do something but i took walking, stairs and being able to move freely for granted. i still sometimes do as i still struggle with these some days.

i am learning to accept rest as a necessity not a luxury but i guess when im in this state my brain doesnt see it as that.

its sad that my own house is a trigger and not a safe place for me. i cant count how many times ive deliberately not gone home or stayed somewhere else including in my car just to not go home.

In response to: Re: not coping

JynxModerator17 Aug 2023, 8:35 pm AEST

Re: not coping

Makes sense @outlander - and I like the sounds of this psych. It can help so much to be able to conceptualise things so we might understand ourselves better.

You know, what you're describing sounds an awful lot like the restlessness I associate with my ADHD! For me, resting is never actually just sitting still and doing nothing at all. Sitting still and doing nothing can actually feel almost painful. I have found this concept to be immensely helpful in working out how to get the right kind of rest - I post it here all the time lol: The Seven Types of Rest

Not feeling safe at home is legit HUGE hun. That kind of constant distress would definitely have a big impact. I nearly fell to pieces a couple years ago because I couldn't stand living with my housemate. I didn't have anything against them as a person, but we just weren't suitable for cohabitation and whoooo boy did I fall apart. I hope there is somewhere you do feel safe?

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 8:49 pm AEST

Re: not coping

yes exactly @Jynx though ive not been diagnoses with ADHD but i do have BPD which often comes with intense emotions. the restlessness can actually be overwhelming sometimes like i just want to sit and watch the movie for gods sake!
no im never actually sitting still, ill be playing with phone, moving my legs, playing with my hands. something, anything!

wow thats tough but im hearing you. no to be honest there is no where. even my horses are no longer a safe place for me because i always have a shadow hanging off me ie pop and im always having to rush. like today i went to do the horses and within half an hour i had to rush and leave home. home is traumatic. then im at work supporting people. if im not at home or work then im at medical appointments. i have no where. the only place would be my car. that thing means more to me then anything else except family and sometimes the car overrides family. i legit have no where safe. its why im never home and when i go for medical treatment i will pay to stay in a hotel or something as thats safer for me. i do have one person that makes me feel safe though but i have to pay them unfortunatly but ill take what i can get i suppose

In response to: Re: not coping

JynxModerator17 Aug 2023, 9:03 pm AEST

Re: not coping

@outlander that is pretty hectic, but I am also really glad you've got your car. Perhaps, as a longer-term goal (and something you can chat about in therapy if you think it'd be helpful) you could work towards carving out a safe space for yourself.

I'm off for tonight but sending some huggles and hope that you get a boogie in soon hehehe 💜

In response to: Re: not coping

tymeModerator17 Aug 2023, 9:16 pm AEST

Re: not coping

It sounds so hard to be in that place @outlander . Always having to run away from things can be so draining. To hear that you don't even have a safe place to call home is so concerning.

Have you ever had a social worker or someone who can guide you on some of what you are going through? Surely there must be a better way?

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 9:22 pm AEST

Re: not coping

when pop goes to a nursing home im planning on moving into a new house @Jynx its just a matter of getting there

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 9:27 pm AEST

Re: not coping

im not sure @tyme i mean i speak to my psychologist and i have a friend or 2 here and there sometimes and a support worker but they dont really know how to help me in this. i spoke to a dementia advisory service but again im on the right track theres not much more i can be doing.

im trying to ride it out till i can get my own place. i sometimes go to the empty work house but it sort of feels weird in a way sometimes but i guess its an escape sometimes but i dont get to use it because i never get a break from my life so im stuck in a triggering house with triggering people and no where 'safe' to go. that is probably part of why im in such an emotional turnmoil headed for breakdown. it almost feels inevitable at this point that it will happen but im trying not to let it happen

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 9:31 pm AEST

Re: not coping

honestly most of the time i feel like im on my own @tyme even when ive reached out for help its usually put on deaf ears. even the other day when i said my pop was already saying he would run away to his brothers several hours away it was put straight onto me saying i have to call the brother and get him to call and take that idea out of his head. like why do i have to when they are capable of doing that!

In response to: Re: not coping

outlanderSenior Contributor17 Aug 2023, 9:33 pm AEST

Re: not coping

and then on top of this i get people saying i never contact them anymore blah blah blah but they only make me when they need something and when i say well you never cont-act me and im going through alot of stuff at the moment they say hey yes i do call you (probably over a month ive heard from them) but they text or call when they need something or want to rant or vent.

In response to: Re: not coping

SnowieSenior Contributor18 Aug 2023, 11:11 am AEST

Re: not coping

Good morning my sweet @outlander

Hoping you got some sleep last night and today goes well.

Sending you an abundance of hugs 💗💗

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SANE acknowledges the Traditional Owners of Country throughout Australia and recognises the continuing connection to lands, waters and communities. We pay our respect to Aboriginal and Torres Strait Islander cultures; and to Elders past and present.

SANE values diversity. We are committed to providing a safe, culturally appropriate, and inclusive service for all people, regardless of their ethnicity, faith, disability, sexuality, or gender identity.