not coping

@outlander

Its terrific your car is almost paid off. Its great you feel in a good place re work options. You have come through surgery and had so much going on. Give yourself a bit of time. Your grandfather has allowed the other person in. Rather than it being all or nothing ... stay or leave. Can you set things up so that you can return a weekend a fortnight or something like that, or pop in every Friday night ....ways to keep aware of what is going on, with clear limits.

It is frustrating experiencing a home where you do not have much control. I can imagine it saps a lot of your energy and enthusiasm.

I feel it is also a time to launch and live life for yourself. Dont rush. Is it something you can talk about with your grandfather?

What a wonderful idea @Appleblossom ,

Something to think about there @outlander xx

@outlander I hear that you're really worried you're heading to a rough spot. It's good that you recognise it though, cos maybe that gives you a chance to put some supports in place?

It can be really hard not to compare ourselves to others who we think are in the same place as us. But it can be a helpful reminder to remember that those people out there 'succeeding' haven't had the same mountains to climb that you have. It took me a while to break the habit of comparing myself to others but one thing that helped was to remind myself that my journey can never look the same as anyone else's, so the only person I can fairly compare myself to is my past self.

Maybe take some time to reflect - compare yourself now to where you were a year ago, or even 5 years ago. What is different? How have you grown?

@outlander I really hope that walk and talk psychologist comes thru soon. Sounds very earthed. Sitting in a chair is not always best for me.

We all have strengths and weaknesses and still need support. It can be a funny field. We can have all the theory, but that is not support and you do deserve support. Just depends where it can be found.

Big sister syndrome, can be difficult to break from. It took me a long time. I am struggling with working out what I like ... and I am old.lol should know that by now.

If you cannot leave pop for work, that is a burden. I am advocating for you. What about support workers for him? It is not good if you get worn out by it all.

@outlander I fully believe that those of us working in caring professions deserve more support, not less. I'm a therapist, but I still need therapy, and think it's important for all folks in this field to get support around them - you can't pour from an empty cup after all. And plus, it's always different when it comes to working on my own stuff. And to those who have been critical of you for wanting that support - well those don't seem like people who have a good approach to this whole deal ya know? Sounds like they have a wonky idea of how important connection, community, and support are for a functioning and healthy society. Maybe they were just projecting their own hyper-independence and insecurity onto you, and I vote you simply don't listen to them.

And yeah, oldest-siblings often get shouldered with the most responsibility. So again in terms of comparing - did your sisters have to do as much to take care of family as you have? Do they have their time and energy eaten up by having to look after others? It sounds like they don't, really, so them being able to go out and invest time into making friends just reflects more upon the family system you're in, rather than on some kind of personal failing within you. You deserve time to yourself, deserve the support that you have been giving, and deserve respite from so much energy being taken from you for the benefit of others. 💜

Hi @outlander

I'm sorry you are going through all of this - and really - you are at an age now where it is perfectly normal to want your own front door - or at least be in charge of that front door.

You said it all when you said "You have no control" - and your family has lived off your good nature for as long as I have known you which is several years now. Your sisters are growing up and starting on their own lives - or planning it - and worst of all - ah - ah - ah -

Your pop's daughter moved in and is free-loading - it will be tough for you to deal with her I am sure - but she either needs to man up or get out - and neither will be easier for you.

Also - I am first born too so I got the load on the eldest child's shoulders from an early age - and whatever my younger siblings did I got the blame for it - and now - they are no part of my life - so - yeah

Independence has a price - and you are concerned about this price - especially when it comes to your Pop - he's frail-aged now and scared of being in residential care - something I really understand - that's not for me either - so - whereas none of us can tell you what to do we can voice our ideas.

You need time off from your pop - people do get respite leave at times and his daughter is right there - to pick up some slack - and your sisters seem pretty independent.

Your moving out of the house doesn't mean you give up full-care of pop - you can still have a share - but that share needs to be taken on by someone else - not you all the time

You have come such a long way in the time I have known you - it's time for you to take the next step - just what that step is - only you know.

Other people here have written some really good info - we are for you - we get it.

Sending some really gentle virtual hugs

Owlunar