Hi @outlander , thanks for visiting my thread with some 
I experienced what you said strongly - the guilt of doing something for myself or being happy. I felt I wasn't allowed to be happy, that if I was, even for a minute, then some disaster would come along and wreck it /take everything away. This was due to my faulty thinking, originating from my abusive father. We weren't allowed to be happy or sad or angry growing up (or even as adults!), we just had to do what was required by my father.
It wasn't till I was about 37 and starting to come out of my 3-year nervous breakdown that I started to challenge my thinking. I had just started seeing a psychiatrist who did talk therapy, which helped. I had to force myself to allow myself to be happy in small bits. It was sooooo scary. It took years and years of practising this. I also had to allow myself to be angry at the 37 years of abuse...another story.
Now I can do things for myself and be happy without the guilt, mostly. It was a really hard lesson to learn though. Occasionally the fear and guilt still rear their ugly heads, when I feel fragile.
I now think it's vital and necessary and healthy to do enjoyable things for myself. I have to tend to myself first - no-one else is going to. It's also a funny thing, but this song below really helped. I suddenly heard it on the radio, and it hit me like a ton of bricks.
"It's my life
It's now or never
I ain't gonna live forever
I just want to live while I'm alive
(It's my life)
My heart is like an open highway
Like Frankie said, "I did it my way"
I just want to live while I'm alive
It's my life"
It was not my father's life - he was always allowed to be happy /angry, but we weren't - so why was I still living the life he wanted me to live at age 37? This song was so powerful for me.
Wishing you heaps and heaps of best wishes, dear @outlander 💙
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vx2u5uUu3DE
