Coming to terms with reality

Good morning @eudemonism...
How are you doing this morning. I realised I was being bit pushy and forceful in putting forward my suggestions. Sorry for that...

I forgot when crisis strikes, the first thing it takes away is your ability to fight it. I have some experience of my own mother being on injections for a while. She's no more now but I still regret not doing enough for her.
I guess that's what prompted me to be so overly passionate and... maybe annoying to you.

Well, I trust your ability to take yourself through this and come out with a new zest for life. However, if it's just your inability to make that effort for yourself and still be open to help... I am open to send Reiki to you myself. You just need to permit me remember.. it may not work as this world believes but if it does... It can change your worls.. for free 🙂

I think you're one of the strongest people I've come across... and sometimes just we need to keep our strength through these testing times.

I can't give up on you.. whatever you choose to do.
❤️

Thanks @Former-Member & @Friendconnect connect xx these things you have said. Hold a world of meaning in my heart.

I think I'm my own worst enemy. It's bad enough that I've got my own set of standards with I expect reality to be like. Which are compared to what my reality actually is. Let a loan, having society and others also pushing me towards what is expected out of reality. Compared to what reality actually is. Because it rules out and defiles all the good times in between. Makes my life hell. And gives paid people a meaning and purpose. When they enforce it upon me.

I get what you're saying @Friendconnect take time to relax and meditate. Concentrate on my life. Find what can be done. Which is within my power. And build on this. Until I'm healthy and happy. There's a lot of negatives I've got to work with. Within this way of living.

I've subconsciously planted the seed within myself. Too be a writer. And I've done a huge amount of writing in my time... The thing is... A lot of it has gone into the net and is essentially anyone's property or food source for their own writing... Which they turn around and use for their own self centered benefits... How do you think that makes me feel?

@Former-Member I got a fig tree which is booming. And a yellow flesh peacetime. I'm going to be concentrating on those two. And building around them. Plus, each day is a battle... It's a fine balance between feeling bad, feeling good, and feeling stable... There's a few elements that need to be in place for my day to go well... I need

Hmm @Former-Member It's still only the beginning... If you know what I mean? I don't really wanna say to much... As I know how sensitive I was toward what was happening to me... Still am actually... Has it brought some relief?... Where will it go from here?...

Eude

@Friendconnect I feel like I need to protect myself from prying eyes who may use my written words against me... Or for their own benefits...

It's not a lack of mental or physical motivation or ability that stops me exercising... It's the side effects of the injection that hinder me..

I need routine in my life... I've got a few rain, hail or shine routines... And a few when I feel like it routines... And a few fair weather routines... If you know what I mean? It's mundane stuff...

I slipped up on the weekend... I drank alcohol and used drugs... It was like three hours of intense purgatory... In comparison to brief moments of purgatory when I'm not under the influence. (and trying to get on with life and deal with reality) .. I've basically got two story lines on repeat in my mind... One based on fear and persecution... And one based on love and grandiosity... And the story lines all link back to key moments in my life... Where I was the abuser who needed to repent or the victim who needed to forgive... Moments of doing the right thing... Or moments of doing the wrong thing... And I've created story lines to fit and match either or either side of the story... Which are all basically symptoms (paranoid and delusional thoughts - visual and audio hallucinations - based around persecution and grandiosity - fear and love) which when unwell effect me as if they were real... Because I can't tell the difference between true and false thoughts) I've had no life to get on with in between time... No partner... No job... No study... No hobbies... Lacked confidence... Self esteem... Was in the same boat as others like me... Told I'd never recover... Put in a category... Labelled...

So all this text book stuff... The good stuff life has to offer... It all got put on hold... But don't worry I've still managed to get plenty of good stuff going on in my life. That's the stufff I feel I need to protect...

It's an ongoing thing. I'm still not out of the woods. Life still has lots more to offer me.

Yea. So I'd turn away from the stuff that brought persecution and fear upon me. And turn toward. The love and grandiosity. It's something we all gp

Eude.

@Friendconnect it's something we all go through... Does it make sense?

@eudemonism... Every word you said resonates with me and I think every human being... most are too scared to admit.

Even the "normal" people who labelled you have very similar struggles.. just that few of us are destined to deal with those alongside medicines. That in way means that you've lost the battle.
Further, no-one is sent to the earth with such labels...signifies that it's nothing that you should define yourself as.

You've got enough consciousness to identify between fear and love how these feelings grip you even though events have happened long back in past.
I would say instead of letting regret reside inside you...either take some action if that's something that can be corrected or forgive yourself.. everyone makes mistakes... that's human. Learn from it...forget the past. Same for forgiving others... write it off as their weekness.
Life is much bigger than these ego clashes or harmful actions. You always have a choice whom you let into your life in future.

No partner/job/studies can make you alone but it's upto you if you let it make you "lonely". You have so much to share with yourself... our own company is more than enough at times... not short of anyone.

You might say its bookish as well.. but there's no worse feeling than being surrounded by people and still feeling "lonely" and being alone actually brings about peace at those times.

I am so glad that you've identified your fear and love based reactions because once you conquer your fears.. you'll be free of all medicines once and for all.
Let love shine through you.

I am still learning to love myself.. I had grudges that I didn't get the same love as I have given to others.... But we need to provide that love and affection to ourselves and more we do that... more others find us worthy of love and we are able to accept love.
We go through so much in life that take ourselves for granted and not worthy of love. A unique analogy I was thinking just 10 mins ago... Is that why can't I love myself in the same way as my child. We would do to the best of our knowledge for people we love.. but tend to forget ourselves. For me it's been the key to recovery.

Hugs and blessings 😊

@Friendconnect there's always the risk of becoming unwell... Or falling physically ill... That applies to anyone...

My illness goes through episodes and stages of being well and unwell... And I'm stuck with it... Every step of the way...

Hopefully I can point my life in a positive direction and gain ground everyday...

What I want and what I get are two totally different things...... I been single for most my life... So I'm used of being alone... But I can't deny that I do enjoy company and socialising... Just got to accept people for who they are...

Eude