Coming to terms with reality

My body is absolutely stuffed because of the depot injection @Zoe7 hence I'm pumping myself full of tobacco and coffee to deal with it and doing minimum exercise and eating really poorly.

Good morning @eudemonism and shout out to @Zoe7

I've been reading along with you both today and must say I wanted to high five you Zoe a couple of times.

Re 'bunger', it's an old time word for cigarette. I haven't smoked in a couple of months now but I still crave the relief they provided throughout my journey of recovery; moreso during psychosis and crisis events. If you can afford it, giving up will present itself when the time's right. In the meantime, focus on what counts. My psych's told me this and they were right. It takes a lot of pressure off to just cut down a bit.

Eude; please stop being so hard on yourself ok! You're learning so much, you said so yourself. That's enough to celebrate right there. It took your lifetime to learn dysfunction; it'll take years to unlearn... then learn new stuff. So best to settle in and prepare for the ride.

Each day you get through is a success. We, who've experienced that moment to moment survival of mentalness, know this. We've lived it and survived to tell the story. One day you're going to have a story too, and it'll be spectacular!

Have a great day!

Hope

High five back to you @Hope4me and a big hello too

@Hope4methat's a bit critical and judgemental ain't it??? (The bit where you talked about dysfunction and being hard on myself got to me a little bit) I do get what you're saying though... and thanks for the support... / reproofing...

The thing is... I'm very easily influenced by the people in my life, and each day don't exactly workout how I would ideally like it to... I'm practising saying 'no thanks ' and I'm practising talking about my resentments asap... and I'm going to be promptly admitting where I've gone wrong, and slipped up... -I've also said 'i am doing a bit of detoxing ' and refreshed my cutting down and giving up smoking plan. -which is don't buy any, spend money elsewhere... however, there is a few things that repeatedly get on my nerves, that ain't helping.. 1 not receiving social support on a regular basis, and what little social support i am getting, coming with negative influences (peer pressure) such as coffee, tobacco, alcohol, gambling & pot. 2 this free loading thing, or giving, borrowing and lending... i say, if I ain't got something, i go with out... If you ain't got something, you go without... too much of this expecting something in return or feeling obliged... Because they've got this impression that they deserve... (consider it's a two way street & i have tried to avoid it from day one... 3 resenting that I'm suffering through lack of ability to occupy myself, or able to receive or give proper and good social support... And lacking that confidence, motivation and independence to get out there and do what i need/want to do... -so many people can easily become targets or sources of very negative thinking styles and feelings... essentially it's all out of my fobtrol though, the only thing i control, is how i deal with it. + it's one thing to deal with my condition and symptoms... it's another to deal with medication and side effects...

@Zoe7 have a read through that...

Good morning @eudemonism

The side effects of the depot injection have been described by many as being almost as difficult as living with the diagnosis..

A very busy mind that is unrelentless....as well as other symptoms of your illness still continuing to grip on tight to your thinking pattern for all of these years...

It would be extremely hard to see some light at the end of the tunnel on many days I can only imagine..

If you read back to the beginnings of your journey on here...you will find that most of us have written the same ideas for you to try..

referred to the same concept of self judgement being our own worst enemy...

Acknowledgement of how life would at times seem like a whirlwind of sorts...

We do however also notice how far you have come...

We notice how you converse with far more people now..

Are you able to recognise that these conversations you are having with others...are not moments of disrespect....not one single person is using you....in fact the opposite...I read mostly high respect and appreciation of how hard it truly is for you..

This is a virtual world....yes...

However you will find the majority of people on here all think the same..

That they have found far much more support...acceptance...recognition of who they are as a person on these forums than in the real world..

Including myself...we all have different stories...different journeys...different judgements...

Most of us though have the experience of feeling dejected..disrespected...not listened to...not heard...judged...not valued...unloveable...at some stage in our lives...

I believe that many of the above go hand in hand with mental illness and stigma...

This is slowly starting to change....with the help of forums like these...

If some of us can learn to feel better about ourselves on here....hold onto that feeling..

keep that self respect in real life situations...no person has the right to take that away from us...

break the struggle down into manageable chunks...

pick which bit bothers you the most...

write that down...

focus every day on that one chunk....

keep on writing especially releasing the creative side of you on the writing thread..

one last thing...

you actually are doing most of what we have all written about...

this is nothing new to you...

when you are feeling better you have this insight...you are self aware..

it is during the hard cycles that your old negative patterns re-emerge take hold....

your hard work is about breaking down those patterns...self negative talk...

replacing with positive reaffirmations...

feeling good about all that you have achieved..

realising which people are good to spend time with...

which people only bring you down..take advantage of your kind..caring..empathic nature.

then when the users come knocking on your door....you do not need to let them in..

thank them for visiting but you are busy...

keep on standing up and you will see the benefits...

did not want to write such a long epic response...

there is so much that I want to let you know ...how far you have come...how much you have achieved...

please believe it.....believe it Eude....

when you start to wear this belief....hold your head up high..

you will attract more likewise people into your life...people who have their own self respect as you will have yours...

I am alright @eudemonism

Yesterday I went with a friend to visit a mutual friend in a dementia ward and then went to opposite side of town (so offline). It was lovely but also very sad. We did music, he has an ex student and he held on to me in a very sensitive and endearing way, I was always fond of him.

It also reminded me of being a kid and visiting the psych ward. The story of my life ...

with different updated security doors ...

His wife thought he was about to die, but a doctor friend realised his meds were all wrong and so the nursing home stopped them ... hmmmmmm ... you can imagaine my feelings about that.

This old friend had worked as a chemist before I finished school, and then as a minister. A very special, good and smart man.

Sorry you are still feeling under the pump mate. My approach is to find the areas of overlap where we agree and keep pushing forward for the positive.

You can do it.

@eudemonism I have read through your post and the follow up responses but need to go into my appointment soon - just wanted to acknowledge your post and I will respond more fully later