Hello @eudemonism
I am responding to several pieces of writing that you have written over yesterday and today on different threads....
living with ourselves....worry room...
You have brought relevant information to the forefront of your mind and written your story ....sharing such fragile memories...
Again I want to say to you that I am so very sorry and feel for you in losing a loved one at such young ages for both of you.
I deal with loss of my "family member" as best I can....noticing my emotions ...acknowledging them...trying so very hard to not blame myself as they arise....this is human nature....at a stage where we are still grieving...a part of our mind tricks us into thinking well it must be our fault then because the feelings are still there...
When not in this state of mind we know only too well that it is not our fault...it is our negative past programmed thinking trying to control us....
So I want to share with you that when I feel so very held down with grief and despair re my missing "family member"...I now tell myself that I am allowed to feel the intensity of the sorrow....I am allowed to think of him....I am allowed to remember the beautiful person who is still there....Of course my heart breaks and the emotions overwhelm...the tears flow non stop...my throat feels constricted....Iallow these feelings to come...then I tell myself...enough for now....I am human...no human being can deal with all of the hurt and pain at any one time....
Your brother would be so proud of you Eude...despite everything that you are struggling with...you are able to write about him...mention him....so many with grief cannot bring themselves to do this....
This is all part of your grieving and your journey honouring your brother...
This next section is in response to your questioning changing medication...trusting again
We have been discussing this on the other thread about your wanting to take more control of your life...
having an upcoming appointment with your new psychiatrist....
letting this psychiatrist know how much your life has been impacted by the depot injection
the desire that you have to follow through with your interests and build a better quality of life...
changing to a different style of medication prescribed by this new psychiatrist is the starting point of all of the trials that will lead you to begin another part of your journey...it might take trying different ones to get there...none of us know until we try
learning to like and trust...understand and feel listened to...heard...accepted by this new psychiatrist will be all part of this new journey that you Eude are undertaking..
For any of us to acknowledge to ourselves that we need to start medication for the first time...again....increase...change.....whatever is hard to come to terms with...we all want to be at this place where happiness abounds and our life has improved tenfold....
so we are extremely hard on ourselves as we try to slip into the latest image of what society...social media has exploded all over its platform..
whatever the latest buzz is...the world has become so much more excluding .....
For those of us prone to mind struggles we can find ourselves slipping without knowing...not even realising that we are still despite the fact we know how ridiculous the concept is...comparing ourselves to others...
Why???
mass marketing....
Look at the governments around the world....the united nations...do they even exist still?
With this all going on around us we feel that we have failed ourselves again...asking for help...needing medication ....
I admit wholeheartedly that I am the hardest critic of myself...have been my whole life...
I have learnt though when I need to take prn...too much being thrown at me in external world....when I need hospital...in deepest darkest despair unable to think clearly...make decisions for self..
I hope that this is not too intense..
I want to stress that reaching out for help with the right medical people (yes @eudemonism there are some who are not right for each of us...we have to try to find the right one...not give up because others have failed us...not give up on ourselves)
You have got yourself to this very day where this is what you want...
Your negative patterned thinking will try to drag you back to question this bravery...this strength of character...commitment to change.....
You know this....you have been through this period before..
You are still safe....at this time of total confusion....you have your back up plans in place...including writing on the different threads where you feel most comfortable....at the same time where you are able to offer so much to others...
your caring responses to me of late have been so timely....I hope that you understand how much you have supported me...
So wherever you are at today...if too overwhelming...make the phone call....talk to someone who will listen....
we are here to support you on this new journey that you are undertaking...
I hope that makes sense..
please let me know if I am off track or have confused you..
that is what friends do..be there when the times are tougher...
take care as always
Sophia
