I dont know what to do next

Hi @Ant7

I am okay today thanks - and yes - it does help to share our lives with other people who have suffered what we have suffered - I find myself less alone in a world that doesn't seem to care about the things that have happened in the past that have hurt us so much

I understand about your parents - mine have passed now and Dad and I patched things up years before so that was much easier to deal with - but with my mother - alas - it didn't work out - and she reached a place where I could not reach her and this is beyond sad

And there are times when it is harder to focus upon the positives - I think there are times when we need to take time out and look at the tribulations in our lives rather than count the blessings - I don't mean all the time but when the world starts crashing around us then yes - take time to really work out what has hurt and how to get past it

Thanks for sharing Ant

Dec

@Owlunar I am glad you are ok today thats really good. I know what you are saying about positives some times it is so hard to drag yourself up it is just so hard. I am sorry about your mum that must be hard.

Thanks @Ant7

About my mother - yes - that was so hard to deal with after she died - and she was super-elderly by then

I think in the adult part of my brain I totally knew that there would not be any peace between us but alas - somewhere deep inside I had not connected with that - I think we all have an inner-child that believes in Fairy God Mothers and That-Good-Is-Always-Rewarded - or something like that

Truly I did come apart after her funeral - and it took time to get past it - considering that her nastiness was not of my doing but it was her attitude and I was a difficult child for her - to spirited for her

But could I change my childhood - where I came out of my Ugly-Duckling personae - no - of course not

Maybe that's the trick - how many people are ugly ducklings and never come out of the reeds for fear of their mother's condemnation - I really wonder about that now I have thought about it

All the best Ant

Dec

@Owlunar hi you seem like you have worked through a lot of things. I guess thats is really good for you. I am happy that i have been chatting with you. You and @Sahara have both helped me a lot thankyou

Hi @Owlunar and @Ant7,

I can relate to what you said @Ant7. It's not until I get closer to people that I start to have trouble.... all my acquaintances are fine.... there is nothing for me to question in the relationships there.

Yes, I fear betrayal and fear being let down. My experience with people is that if you are friends with them for long enough, then they will eventually let you down! Often it is quite small things that they do that make me feel 'rejected' I guess. I have to acknowledge that the 'small things' they do are not on purpose and that 99% of people are not malicious.

When something happens that makes me doubt the friendship, I withdraw. I often don't ask them about it, because I feel they will say something that will hurt me even more!!! I don't know exactly what I fear. I guess it's just 'rejection' in general.

I could give you a lot of examples. This is the most significant one.... it happened over ten years ago.

I had a very close friend who I really cared about. She asked me to come and work at the business she was running. (She was a manager- she didn't own the business) The job was ok- no better or no worse than most places I've worked at. I was good to see her and work with her. She was nice to me, of course!

Then, the owner of the business started to cut staff. I told my friend that it made my job difficult, having less staff and that I really questioned if it was safe to work that way? Of course she took offence.... even though it was not her decision to cut staff and beyond her control. But she sided with the owner's decision.

Next thing you know... the owner's wife phoned me and sacked me. !! It was more or less legal to sack me, as I was a casual worker.

My friend did call and say she was sorry, but after that, she kind of just ignored me. I really didn't hear from her and felt like I was no longer of use to her. It was so sad. I felt really used. We did see each other a few times, but it was strained. I knew the friendship must have meant more to me than to her and I felt really lonely and rejected.

I guess you could say that she wasn't a good friend to me and that I was better off without her. I don't know.

I feel as though, compared to most women I know, I seem to have more instances than average of losing friendships.

I did have a close friend from high school... she was very different to me, louder and more out-spoken, but we really liked each other. Once I got a serious boyfriend in my early 20's, she started to treat me differently. She couldn't stand him and criticized him constantly.... then she started to criticize me as well.

I was really hurt by this.... I felt rejected and it was like I didn't know how to defend myself from her verbal attacks. I kind of withdrew. I think she was surprised... I think she thought I would agree with her and choose her friendship over my boyfriend!

But it all turned to muck pretty quickly and I felt I had to move out of the house I shared with her and my other friend. She tried to ring me a few times after that, but I fobbed her off.

I will give her credit for trying to save the friendship, but I was worried that she would just hurt me agian. I was really lonely after that. I felt like I didn't have a friend in the world.

Hi @Ant7, thanks for your understanding. When I read back over what I wrote, I see that these are things that could happen to anyone. Friendships break down- unfortunately, it does happen. I guess plenty of other people have experienced the loss of friendship.

I was just so very hurt by the loneliness and rejection- but I feel that I should be over it by now.

I suppose when I take a good look at the other women that I know, I see that they, too, have lost friends for various reasons, and that I am not the only person this has happened to.

Enough about me!!

Please don't feel bad about your female friend. It is healthy to have friends of both genders. My husband has female friends and I don't worry about it.... they are nice women, most of them are married anyway and I doubt they would try and seduce my husband (ok, you never know, do you?)

One thing though.... it's very natural and normal to feel sexual attraction towards members of the opposite sex. Everyone does. It's one of the things we just have to be aware of, but don't give it too much energy. Just recognise that males and females find each other attractive, as nature intended and there is nothing much we can do about it.

I know my sister feels a lot of guilt every time she even looks at a guy (she has been married for 20 years...) but I find this kind of guilt useless. She has had a spotless record of being faithful for 20 years, so why should she feel any guilt? It's silly.

Yes that makes perfect sense, @Ant7. Well, I'm no psychologist, but I would say that fantasizing about sex is very normal. Yes, and fantasizing about women you know personally is normal too. You seem to feel guilty about it. Were you raised as a Catholic or in another strict religion, by any chance? I've noticed that Catholics seem to have a lot of guilt about things. No offence intended to Catholics.

(By the way, I'm not against religion or anything like that. Religion definitely has it's place. I actually admire people who are content in their faith.)

I guess in an ideal world, you would be able to talk to your wife about these things... have a frank discussion about what you would like to do, as far as improving your sex life. She may be more open to this than what you imagine.

Sometimes the sex drive in women declines due to menopause. Just something to think about.

Otherwise, I would say that in general (don't quote me!) women need to feel loved, admired and desired before they feel like having sex. Men tend to want sex in order to feel loved... it's like the sex comes first. Women want to feel loved and secure first. Does that make any sense? Obviously, I'm no sex therapist! You know, I'm just going on what I hear.

So you might like to think about planning romantic things for you and your wife to do together. It doesn't have to involve spending money, either. It can be just taking the time to organise something special, like a picnic in a beautiful natural setting. Maybe you could then give her a card with all the things you love about her written in it.