I dont know what to do next

@Ant7, that is very impressive that you are good friends with your previous girlfriend and that she is friends with your wife, too. I think we have to forgive the things that happened in high-school, as we were all so young and didn't know what we were doing back then. Still, infidelity can be devestating at any age, I guess.

I parted company with my ex-partner over 10 years ago, so I am over it now, but at the time I was mess.

I have been with my husband for 7 years now, and married for almost 5 years. He makes everything I had to go through to get to this point, worthwhile. He is the biggest blessing in my life to date.

It sounds like you and your wife have a very strong relationship, too.

I have lost contact with everyone I went to high-school with, except for one friend, who I rarely see, anyway. I always moved around a lot, when I was younger and was hopeless at keeping in contact with people. Of course there is more to it than that - I think that I found it hard to trust people and hence let them go easily... I always found an excuse to let contact slide. I was always very much a loner.

Sometimes I think it is going to be hard to change my ways now! Up until very recently, I kept moving house every 1 or 2 years - I think I have moved maybe 15 times in 27 years. I don't know. I keep making friends but then something "happens" and I just don't see them again.

Now that my husband and I have bought a house and plan to stay in the one place indefinitely... it will be interesting to see what happens.

@Sahara I know that at the time it hurt because I trusted her and she was happy and i was misserable. But I know that it made my life better I guess.

I dont know how you do it I hate moving we did it 5 times in 3 years when we first moved in together and I hated it every time lol. Yeah it is hard to make friends when you get older I think I have a few friends from school that I still see but I dont really have many friends I guess my wife is my best friend. We moved to QLD for 3 years and I didnt really make any friends while I lived there. I guess I am a bit of a loner to.

Buying the house is a big move and it is great to get you settled but it will be a bit different for you I hope it makes you happy I know it works for me

Yes, @Ant7, I think that buying the house together and settling down in the one place will ultimately be good for me. I need stability.

We have lived here in this town for 3 years and have been in our own house now for one year. It has been very hard to make friends, even though we meet people and know them enough to say 'hello' to on the street. But true friendship has to be deeper than that, and it takes time to develop.

I have written about his extensively on another thread... but yeah, I guess my husband is my best friend and I would be totally lost without him.

I would love to have a circle of female friends to 'hang out' with, but I don't think it will happen any time soon! Especially since women in their 40's don't really 'hang out' anymore... they are all way too busy for that!

@Owlunar made the comment that I probably try too hard to make friends (trying hard to make people like me) which could be true. (Hi @Owlunar, if you are reading this..... you can see I take your comments on board!!)

@Sahara I think it is nice to have someone you love as your best friend but I do sometimes wish I had more friends you know. I think maybe you and I are simalar I think I try to hard with people to. And as you say once you get into your 40s it is a lot harder.

I would like to Thank you for taking the time with me. I have been a lot better in the last week and I know chatting with you has helped.

Hi @Sahara

I get it that you are taking what I say on board - yes - if we try too hard at anything it is less likely to work - whatever it is - gardening if we don't really like it or have a brown elbow like me - or making friends -

Really - I think I can be a challenge - I have spent my life-time finally working out not everyone is interested in what makes the universe tick - but still - I get on with the many people who pass through my life in the course of being ordinary - eg - the domestic workers and drivers who help out, the people at my doctors clinic, a couple of weeks back when I was organising my trip at Flight Cenre - that was very socialable, the people at the shops, taxi drivers, my neighbours on the rare occasions I see them - I make the most of these events

I am not having therapy atm but when I was my therapist asked me if I had trouble with the people in my life as I do with my sister. Ah - no - just my sister.

But there are small things that have helped in an unusal way - apart from figuring out that not everyone is interested in economics - is that unfortunately my hard-over-bite caused my front teeth to break off at the root line one by one and I had the dentist ask the technician to make up upper partial denture with "minor imperfections" and they look incredibly natural. I had not realised that I probably smiled less when I had a mouth full of crooked teeth - but now I smile more easily and find I do so before I start speaking

No way am I suggesting people let their teeth break - but we can smile before we speak and that can charm people. I don't set out to be charming - I wouldn't know how to do that and it would be "trying to hard" - but yes - whatever we do in life needs to be natural -

But yes - I see you are taking it on board - I must have made an impression

And Sahara and @Ant7

One thing that does make it hard to make friends is moving around a lot when we are totally out of control about it when we are children. I don't have any friends from my past - if I meet someone that I lived near because I have been in different places in this area for over 40 years - that's fine - but my father was moved around a lot when he was a kid too - and we had the same idea - without being told I tend to put my energy into a new situation -

I do know what it's like to be uprooted without warning pretty much - the last time before they went into care was 50 years after they bought the house they owned until after my mother died - and I was told the day before we moved that I was to go to my school which was near the city but after school I was to go home to our new place - on the other side of the city - and at 6.00am the next day my mother dragged me out of bed to be at school at 8.30am after I caught a bus and train and then a tram to school - and this went on for years because after school I worked in the city too

I still have a deep resentment about that morning - I got used to all the travelling and now it would not bother me - doesn't bother me - but there was no personal choice involved and I allowed my children a little choice in the matter - which was maybe not the best idea I ever had but it certainly means my daughter has friends her own age to this day that she had when she was young

So - I had better stop ranting - I feel as if I am ranting

Dec

Hi @Ant7 & @Owlunar,

thanks for writing.... I am following the conversation but have limited time, due to work. I am getting up early and trying to cram as much as I can into the hour that I have before I leave for work, then when I get home I am so exhausted, I can barely think!

@Ant7, I'm so glad our conversation has made you feel a little better!

@Owlunar, that is interesting that your therapist asked about you having potential trouble with people. But it's only your sister you have a problem with.

With myself, I have a had a long history of fractured frienships and relationships, so I do have to question that it's actually me that could be at fault?

I don't have a problem with the people I come across on a day to day basis- like shop assitants and bank tellers. I also get along well enough with people who are only 'aquaintences', like work-mates, etc.

It's when the relationships get deeper that I have the problem.

@Sahara Dont worry I understand I do long shifts so I get what you are saying. That is an interesting observation about when a relationship gets deeper. Do you think that it could be that you worry about letting people get to close to you. I feel that way I dont like relying on people cause they let you down. Or they betray you I dont know if that makes sence any way just my thoughts.

Hi @Ant7 and @Sahara

That was a good chat yesterday and I had a good day after my rant

Sahara - it occurred to me that my relationship - or lack of it - between my sister and my mother - both were so toxic it has made every other person seem wondeful - except maybe my brother - but I have had so little to do with him for decades I wouldn't know - but the last time I saw him was at my mother's funeral and after we had our private family gathering I snarled at him for bad language and (a) I don't snarl at people and (b) I would not know him now - who was that man? When we were young we were very close

And I don't think the problem with being friendly lies entirely with you - you gave it away - you get on very well with the people with whom you have dealings in passing - but like me - you have no close friend/s

Maybe when we have difficulties in our lives - present or past - it is really hard to share that essential part of ourselves and that sorta means the words get in the way - I do understand this

But apart from trying too hard - which means let them go when the moment has passed - enjoy the moment. People in today's society are chronically busy - esp women - who are busy "having it all" - work and husband and kids and their home and entertaining - wow - I think they are so busy moving from one planned event to the next they have no times to stop and see the other people

And yes - like Ant - it is hard work moving all the time - we can get out of the habit of tending relationships - and - I didn't get on with my ex-h's family either - or my ex-h for that matter - or my ex-bf's family either - but I have left these people behind

Aw Sahara - this is a really difficult problem - I think the answer is hard to disambiguate

Dec

@Owlunar how are you doing today? I am glad you enjoyed the chat I find it is good to get thinhs out there it helps for me anyway. I have issues with my parents to but its not to bad so i try to put it in the back of my mind if I can I try to focus on the possitives but latley it has been harder to do that. Any way I am glad it is helping