I dont know what to do next

@Ant7, I'm sorry to hear about the loss of your first child... that is such a sad thing to happen- I can not imagine. I'm so glad you felt comfortable in sharing this.

You are right that suicidal thoughts are not 'normal', but they are not uncommon, either, especially in people who are suffering from depression (at least as far as I am aware- not being an expert in this field, or anything.).

It must have been a shock when your friend from work died, as he was so good at hiding his sadness. Unfortunately, it is common for people to hide their feelings and many people become experts at this. For the most part, I was able to hide my feelings when I was depressed, too. In a way, it can become easier just to pretend to be happy, in order to get though life on a day to day basis. That way, no-one asks you any tricky questions. Facing your own sadness can be confronting.

How many times are we told as children to "give us a smile" or to put on a brave face? It is probably a mistake to teach people to do this.... it would be better to explain that sadness is an emotion that everyone feels from time to time and it's ok to talk about it.

It is not something to feel ashamed of or to treat as an inconvenience.

If you are always refusing help, @Ant7, it might be because you were rewarded for being 'strong' and 'independent' at a very young age and you grew up believing that this was an important part of your identity. Just a hunch.

While it is good to be independent, we cannot be that way 100% of the time! Human beings are designed to rely on each other. We are social creatures and we help one another and co-operate with each other as part of our social structure. Our brains are wired to do this.

Think of it this way- by receiving help from someone- you give that person a chance to feel useful and good about themselves. One day you might help them or someone they love. So it is all good.

@Sahara I think you are spot on as a child I was told reall men dont cry and if you are going to cry ill give you something to cry about. I love my Dad and Mum but we arent very close. I have a great relationship with my kids and I am super happy about that. I cannot thank you for this as it is helping so much it is bringing up more stuff I hope that is ok

@Ant7, my parents were a bit like yours I think. "I'll give you something to cry about" - I heard that old one a few times from my parents. It's mean to say that to a child, isn't it?

As though there is something wrong with expressing your emotions??? Believe me, it is very healthy to express ourselves....

When you express something, you can get past it, often quite quickly. When you keepo it to yourself, it festers and grows.... it becomes worse than it ever was.

@Sahara I agree I have never smacked my kids and I have always tryied to be there for them. I guess I am learning from my mum and dads mistakes. I have always encourged them to express their feelings because as you said it is healthy and I try to make them feel that home is a safe place even now when they are adults all still at home but I am happy about that

@Ant7, I think it's nice to have adult children at home with you. We don't have any kids ourselves.... but I imagine that it would be nice to have them around and be part of their lives until they are ready to leave and get married or else leave for work reasons...

I left home at 19 myself, which was quite a bit younger than a lot of girls in my generation. I think I was glad to get away from my parents.... my Mum was such an unhappy woman and always too critical and judgemental. We clashed a bit. I think I was somewhat depressed, even back then.

Thanks @Ant7! It had been great talking with you, too.

I think that if your wife had a bit of a problem with her parents and you did as well, then maybe that is one of the reasons why you were attracted to each other in the beginning? A lot of these things happen subconsciously... you don't have to have outward conversations about them.

I'll just give you an example. I grew up fearing being criticised and judged by my parents, and so I became very reserved and secretive. I did not like anyone to know what I was thinking!! This behavior just felt 'normal' for me... I did not see myself as an especially secretive person.... I saw myself as just about average, although I was aware that I wasn't much of a talker.

Then I met my ex-partner- he grew up with an extremely critical father. My ex would have been attracted to my secretive nature, because he didn't want to know what I was thinkng!! He sort of assumed that 'no news was good news' if you know what I mean. If I didn't say anything, then that meant I wasn't criticising him- so it was all good, as far as he was concerned. He did not see himself as someone who lacked interest in others.... he just saw himself as 'normal'. Although he might have been aware that he was a very solitary and independent man in many ways.

In turn, I actually felt really comfortable and at home with someone who didn't want to know what I was thinking... because it suited my self-protective, secretive behavior. I felt safe if no-one ever challenged me.

This is just an example of how two people might end up relating to each other, @Ant7. I'm not saying that this happened with you and your wife. Everyone is different and there are hundreds of things that might attract us to another person. I am not a psychologist!!

It's just that a lot of things happen at a subconscious level and we are not aware of them at all! This is what I have learnt.

It sounds like you and your wife have a good and caring relationship.

My relationship with my ex imploded because the things that drew us together ultimately were the things that caused us big probelms- a lack of communication and understanding.