I dont know what to do next

That is a very difficult year, @Ant7. So many things happened and one on top of another.... this would effect anyone- the things you desribed are stressful events. I can relate. I had a few years where it was one thing after another for me, too.

Life is soooo unpredictable. We never know what is going to hit us. It's normal to get down and feel sad and stessed when bad things happen. You really need to open up and talk about how you feel about these things. Really look at the emotions involved- even though they are unpleasant emotions.

It's a big task.

I have to go to work but I will try and write tonight. I know you will get through this.

@Sahara Thanks for your understanding it is so nice to have some one that I can share with. I hope I am not being a burden? If I am please let me know? I think I have caught your cold lol. I hope you have a good day at work. Thanks

Of course you are not a burden, @Ant7! I don't think of people that way, plus I know my limits, these days.

I have been away from the Internet unexpectedly for 2 days, due to work. A very long story!! I don't have the Internet on my phone and we were quite literally 'trapped' at work due to road closures.... an adventure, for sure, but one I could do without. I didn't even have a toothbrush or anything for the first night, so I was very unhappy about that!

What stands out for me about what you have written @Ant7 is your mate from work committing suicide and then your close friend from school dying, too. That is a lot cope with, along with everything else. You might like to talk about these things a bit more with the psychologist when you see her/him. When people die prematurely and unexpectedly- it kind of goes against nature.... it's so upsetting because it makes us question everything.

I lost a cousin to suicide and also a few other people who I knew socially. It leaves a lot of questions unanswered when someone passes this way.... Honestly, anyone would be seriously effected by it. You are not alone.

Well, @Ant7, I'm so glad you are still here with us! Thanks for sharing so much about yourself and your time growing up.... having suicidal thoughts at such a young age is a significant thing and I'm glad you told your doctor about it. Was that the first time you ever talked about those feelings to anyone? If it was, then I can imagine it would be a relief to you.

It's interesting, but I really can relate to you. When I was severely depressed, I didn't want to do any harm to myself, but I thought it would be such a blessing to go to sleep and just never wake up the next day. That's how low I was... I did not want to face the next day.... everything seemed too hard and also too scary. I don't feel this way at all now, thank goodness.

@Ant7, if this conversation is bringing up a lot of issues for you, you can always phone Lifeline and talk to someone today- 13 11 14 - I have called them myself in the past and it was a relief not to be alone with my negative thoughts.... just to have someone to talk to was really good...

Another number is Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467 ... I have not called them myself, bat have heard that they are empathetic. Sometimes just to have a listening ear is enough, it can get you through the day if your feelings are very low.

Thanks for your empathy about my cousin and his passing... he was only 27. I still don't understand a lot of things that happened around the time of him dying. I don't know why these things were never talked about openly within my family... it seems strange to me now, but at the time, I was only 20 years old and just accepted things without question.

Looking back, I mean, obviously he had a mental illness... he was suffering and I don't think he had any professional help at all!! Things were different back then and even if you were suffering, your friends would probably not say to you "You should see a doctor" - because no-one thought that way. It's different now.

Now, I think I have lost count of the number of friends where I have said "You should really talk to your doctor" to them. Unfortunately, most of them don't go- there is still so much stigma out there regarding mental illness.

I'm really glad you have taken the first step by seeing your doctor, @Ant7.